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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

Time Event
2:20p
Dear ______,

So here I am writing another letter to you. I wish I could tell the sincere part of you from the not-so-sincere part. Sometimes we talk and I get the feeling you really do appreciate our friendship, then other times it's like you only want to know me as an online friend. That hurts. "Out of sight, out of mind." I'm not quite good enough for you, but you're stuck with associating with me anyway, is that it? Ugh. Well - you better be sure, if thats not the case "show me don't just tell me." I need some solid piece of evidence that you TRULY care and it's not just the convenience....one of these days I'm going to say I give up and actually mean it.

**me**

Current Mood: confused
4 ||x
4:24p
dear college,

I love you. I have been waiting for you for so long and you have been everything I ever dreamed and so much more. It's not as if it's easy to keep this good relationship--we both know how hard we're working and the lack of sleep happens most nights--but everything feels like it's falling into place, like I am finally where I was supposed to be. Today I felt gross, fat, ugly, grumpy, and pesemistic until you let things go my way in the class that I had stayed up until 3 am worrying about and working on a drawing for. You've helped me meet similar people and make some wonderful friends. You're already teaching me how to be who I want to be and what I need to do to get there. I just wanted to say thank you. So thanks, and I love you.

-me

Also, to my new lj-layout-

I love you too.

-me
x
4:44p
dear mike,
what happened to us? we were amazing together. My twin, bestfriend & boyfriend. You said you wouldn't forget me. I know you saw me in lunchline the other day. Why didn't you talk to me? i love you, always have and i always will. God, we could do this. You know we could. I love you for fucking ever. Did you know i shake everytime i see you? i can't handle this. God i miss you so much. This was all only supposed to be a break. what happened? Do you still love me? Just lemme kno.. someway or another.

♥ always,
brit
x
5:47p
Dear You.

You're selfish and a waste of space.

But I'm still in love.

-Me.
x
8:52p
Dear self
So you think you decent on your math test but how many other porblems are like the one you thought you got right and ended up losing six points on. IF you fail it will you be dissappointed or know that the theory-type-thing ryan told you long ago was right. Remember he said you have no right to be dissappointed if you don't try and do everything in your power. Like the test yesterday. You had no right to be as upset as you were. Face it you're not that smart....you don't take test well...you didn't try. Work your ass off and go to McCloskey about it and figure out what you didn't do right. Then go and get the correct answers and figure out how fast you can do it. Then search for old records of previous test even thought he chances of having them around are slim at least look. Remember to take the math test first and make simple goals. Let's say to get five more right every test. Meaning next test you get 31 week three you get 35 week four you get 40. It will be hard and time will be scarce and you'll hate it but in the end you know you'll love it. You knwo you liked the look of shock on two faces when you go two of the questions right even after they had missed them. Come on actually try.

To the rest of you....
I'm rather lame and actually want to do well for academic team.

P.S. don't hate someone because they're smarter
1 ||x
9:27p
The grass is always greener when it's Astro-Turf.
To myself,
I am not who I used to be. That is a given. I am no better, I am no worse then I used to be. I am still myself, just looking from another perspective. At times I think that it isn't as good of a perspective as it used to be, but other times I realize that it can be better.

It is the difference between looking at a painting up close while you are painting it and standing back at least five feet and looking. A different perspective can be pleasing and sickening. But that is how perspectives are.

People can change completly from how they used to be. So they aren't just looking from a different perspective on their own life - but looking at another life completly. Though this is rare.

I realize that I need to learn something. I always had a problem with Lucas talking about his beliefs because they made too much sense to me and I would immediatly trash my thoughts in the making for his more intricate and thoughtful beliefs, that have been developed more then mine. That made me angry, I would too easily finding myself quoting him in conversations with others. I need to build my own beliefs, I need to feel them myself. I need to be how I used to be in that sense.

So I need to learn to listen to what he and others have to say, without throwing out my own half finished thoughts. So finally I have something I need to do. To strive for personally.
-Amieyee
1 ||x
10:38p
Dear Matt and Daniel,

Please. I beg you. Don't touch me ever again. Not like that. It pulls too many memories from my childhood. And I can't speak. I can't tell you to stop. I just pull away. But I know you are both stronger and pull me back, or just move more.

This afternoon Daniel, I was curled up, and you just kept moving closer and closer, moving your hands and body closer to mine. Trying to touch me. I tightened and just shut my eyes hoping it would all stop. You were all too close to me. I don't like it. I don't like you when you do that.

And Matt, you constantly want to hold my hand. Get a hug. Kiss my neck. We aren't going out. Never will we if I'm going to feel this uncomfortable. Not that I was planning on it anyway, but this like anilates any .00000000001 chance.

Don't do that anymore. I can't take it. I feel violated. Used. It makes me feel like I was 8 years old again... and *stops self.*

No..

JUST STOP!

God! Please!

I feel so fucking uncomfortable now.

No one touches me unless I want them to. Everyone knows that. Because I personally TELL everyone. I hate contact. Especially that kind, especially when you have no reason, other than raging hormones which I fail to return everytime. I feel so 'sexual drive' or shit like that. I feel sick. You're lucky I didn't throw up on you Daniel. I'm getting dizzy again right now.

Do NOT touch me like that. It takes me a while to get used to the fact that when I go out with a guy he wants to put his arm wround my waist. Sure. I can deal with that. But not other places. Not even holding my hand.

Shit, I don't fucking trust either of you anymore. You just scare the fuck out of me.

Just stop god damn it!

Current Mood: spazzed
2 ||x

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