dear devin, i've been meaning to write you a letter for sometime. its so hard knowing that your not there. fuck! i hate this. you know if i had the balls i would call you up right now and tell you too come outside and id give you a hug... those kind of hugs that feel like heaven, the kind of hugs when you just dont want to let go, and you dont care about anything except the person yous arms are embracing you,and the force that surrounds you.. no one can touch that, no one.
I thought that I was angry at you. I really did. But these past 4 days, sitting on the gym bleachers with you and eric, laughing. joking. playing. it almost felt like, for a moment in time, nothing had ever come between us. like we were friends. like we never stopped being friends. and i liked it. i liked it a lot. it made me happy to think we didn't lose everything, just most of it. and i'm sorry i touched your leg...i seriously didn't mean anything by it. i was just laughing and i didn't realize your leg was there. it was a little awkward. but,
you didn't tell me to take it off and i think thats why sometimes,
i wish you would just hate me. because right now you talking to me like nothing ever happened leaves me in a rut. its not helping me get over you any faster. and i think i want too. and at the same time, i'm not sure if i want to because i dont know how you feel.
i don't know if you don't like me or if you just don't want to like me. i don't know if you're just trying to be cool or if you really don't like us as friends. i don't know if you really like being with us or you're just being nice. i don't know.
but when you broke up with me, you didn't say you didn't love me anymore. you even hugged me. and when you said you were sorry that you couldn't do this anymore did you mean you were sorry that you had to do this to me or sorry that it didn't work out like we'd hope it was???
i'd really like to just talk to you. i know i should just confront you because i don't have anything to lose.