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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Thursday, September 9th, 2004

Time Event
6:40p
hey chris
with my luck you will probably read this. but anywho, i love you. i have loved you, and im sure no one thinks i know what love means, but i do. i know what it's like to worry. i even tried to change my appearence for you, do you remember that? you got on the phone and told me i was beautiful, i knew you didn't mean it, but i believed it anyway. i starved myself, i threw up blood. i actually started wearing make up. i guess the truth really was my personality was so horrible for you to even consider being with me in anyway. so i was young, stupid and jealous. i tried to change who i was to try and get you to love me. i hated the way i was, because i was her. well when she was gone, they talked shit behind your back and i stood up for you. she told me you would never love me, that i was just wasting my time. i probably am. but i didn't want her to be right. some best friend. we've had fights, and now nothing is the same. i miss last september, i know its selfish but you were all mine. if i could just go back a year i would change so much. i would of tried to fix the friendships that are now broken apart. its a war now. who ever thought the teams would be picked this way? i want to talk to you. but the truth is what would we talk about now? what did we talk about then? i can't remember. i miss you so much. i miss seeing your face in school. even if you wouldn't acknowledge me, i miss the feelin in my stomache as it flew up into my throat when i saw you across the hallway. but you really weren't worth my time. you didnt remember my birthday, even when i was carrying a balloon around all day. i walked all the way to your house and once we got back into town you left me. why am i like this? i still cry over you. i hate for what you did to me. all the times you put me down, for killin the old me that people seem to miss now. i wish i could love him because he is worth it, but you on the other hand are not. i wish i never met you, cause now i have to miss you.

i love you chris.

-me

Current Mood: productive
2 ||x
10:45p
Belonging

I do not belong here in the heat
And sunshine of this eternal summertime
Full of crickets,
Smogged out stars,
And plastic people ,
With their leather bags;
Everyone with their baggage.

Maybe I do belong.

For days I dreamt
each night of times gone by
when friends and I were younger
More free, but stupid
with trips to the shore in a storm,
no different from dreaming of a trip,
Seattle to Thailand for a ten hour tour.
Less than a waste of time, I would say.
The faces all familiar
The places all suspended
By memories that may or may not exist
Would it help if I had photos?

Too much sun and too little sleep

Then you.
The dreams slowly faded
And I am fading into place.
To borrow my own words,
My loneliness melts
with the sound of your voice
and the smell of your skin,
until everything seems
further away yet nearer
than ever before.
With everything to live for
And nothing lost on the way
Other than things worth losing.
x

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