I'm sorry I made you cry the night before last. Please forgive me. You said that you already have, but I still can't get my mind off of it. I doubted that you loved me, and I made you cry because you swore you did and I still didn't believe it. I'm sorry.
But I'm just... Really uneasy. I'm so scared you aren't devoted to only me. It's all just so hard to believe. I feel so sick right now, just thinking of it.
You told me about the girl in California that you used to be very close to. The girl who you used to like and used to like you back. She sent you tons of letters. I remember seeing them once. I was looking through one of your drawers (you gave me permission first, of course) and I saw this manilla envelope stuffed with letters. I went to touch it, and you quickly pulled them away from me and closed the drawer. You told me that you two were going to meet twice. The first time, she was too scared to, and the second time she never called. And then you started going out with that other girl that "loved" you, and you only liked as a friend (yet you would tell her that you loved her back or just avoid the situation completely). Then, she was going to move away and I came into the picture. I told you I liked you and you "liked me back", but you pretended that you didn't and just liked me as a friend.
We got closer, or I think we did, and you finally told me you liked me back. I was so happy, but also confused as to why you didn't tell me sooner. When I asked you when you started to like me, you said it was a little bit after I told you that I liked you. That's a bit hard to believe. Then your girlfriend moved away and you considered me your girlfriend. And you have since then. And we've become closer and closer and I've grown to love you. And you swear you love me. But after all this, it's so hard to believe.
Why did you keep her letters? Do you still secretly want her? I'm so scared of all this, I honestly am. I'm so scared that you miss your ex girlfriend, and that you wish that she'd come back from Kentucky and be with you again. I'm so scared that you feel I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm so scared that when you moved to Shelton, I'm going to lose you. I'm so scared that you'll find someone better than me. I'm so scared that you'll see some other girl, or read over the California girl's old letters and say "What did I see in Melissa? I don't love her," and then drop me on my own to fend for myself and wonder where I went wrong.
I don't want that to happen. I'm so cold and scared so suddenly and all I want is for you to be here and to tell me it's all untrue. You've already told me that it is, but I need to hear it again. I need to hear it again, and I need to cry, even though you're tired of me crying. To tell you the complete truth, I am, too. I wish I didn't cry nearly as much as I do lately, but what can I do?
You aren't particularly helping me at all. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I learned to like Joe instead of following you. I've noticed that I tend to be attracted to assholes, and you're no exception. That's just it, you're an asshole. I haven't wanted to say anything, but it's the truth. I tell everyone that you're amazing and beautiful, and you are, but you're also just... You're just a fucking asshole. You know it, too. I keep telling you that you aren't, because I would never want to say it to you. I keep wanting to believe that it isn't your fault, but I can't. You can never be serious, and I hate it. Whenever I'm upset, you always make a huge joke about it, and it really hurts. Whenever I cry about something, you try to make a joke out of it, and when I just cry harder, you walk out on me. That doesn't help me. It makes it a million times worse. You say, "Well, what am I supposed to do when you do that?" You're supposed to be there
You swear to me that you love me, yet you treat me like crap. I hate this. I can't believe I put up with your shit. Oh, wait, I remember now, because I'm a fucking IDIOT, fall for assholes, and can't actually tell them that they're assholes. Actually, hold on. I'm going to write some letters within a letter.
Jeremy - YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I DESPISE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. FUCK OFF.
Chris - YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, TOO. USING PEOPLE, THEN CHEATING ON THEM ISN'T A WAY TO KEEP YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. FUCK OFF.
David - YOU'RE LESS OF AN ASSHOLE, BUT YOU'RE STILL AN ASS. USING SOMEONE AS A REBOUND ISN'T COOL, HONEY. FUCK OFF.
Dan - YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM. IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME, YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID NO. IT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS A HUNDRED TIMES EASIER FOR ME, AND I FUCKING HATE LIARS. FUCK OFF.
Jeremy, for the second (and third!) time - ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE. QUIT BLAMING ME FOR WHY YOUR LIFE SUCKS, I DIDN'T DO SHIT TO YOU. I WAS NEVER THERE TO FUCK SHIT UP. SO SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH, AND STOP SAYING THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO FUCKED OVER OUR RELATIONSHIP. IT WAS DOOMED FROM THE START, YOU MOTHERFUCKER, SINCE IT WAS LONG DISTANCE. YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW ME, SO YOUR CLAIM TO HAVE LOVED ME IS FUCKING FALSE AND I KNOW IT. YOU HOLD A GRUDGE AGAINST ALL YOUR EX'S, SO JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WANT TO SPIT ON YOU. I TRIED MY HARDEST TO MAKE THINGS GOOD FOR YOU, AND YOU FUCKING SHIT ON ME. YOU LEAVE ME FOR THE THIRD TIME FOR SOME OTHER CHICK WHO DOESN'T EVEN WANT YOU. ASSHOLE. I CARED ABOUT YOU, AND YOU THREW IT AWAY BECAUSE WHY? YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE.
Okay, that felt really good. But I hate to say this. Dennis, I hate saying that you're an asshole, but you are. I've thought about breaking up with you, just to let it sink in that I'm not playing around. When I tell you I don't like something you're doing, or when I tell you to stop, fucking DO IT, because I will cut this relationship off if you don't cut the shit. I'm so serious.
Fuck. I'm crying right now because I'm even contemplating breaking up with you. I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I'm so sorry. You aren't an asshole. I love you. I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry. I'm the one who's fucking us up, I know I am. I'm so fucking sorry. Please forgive me for everything. I shouldn't doubt you. I made you cry. I'm so sorry. Please come to me right now and hold me, because I love you. And you love me back. And everything is good with us, it is. I swear. You're lovely and compassionate, just like all my friend's boyfriends are, and just like the other boys who want me but can't have me are. You aren't an asshole, and you're the best a girl could get. I know it. I know it.
I fucking love you, dammit, and I need you. Why am I so messed up?
Tremendous amounts of love sent,
Melissa Current Mood: aggravated