I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
man, sometimes, it might be better to leave things as they were. they might just not be the same. we get bored or lazy. and the specialness just isn't there when you have to beg and push for something one of us obviously doesn't have the time for or doesn't want to do. or are just too lazy to do. the lazyness has come into our relationship. it's slowly leaving, i think. but i don't know. it just hurts because i loved them so much. they were special because they were the start of us. maybe that was just suppose to get us going and we were to finish the rest on our own, sweetie. i love you. just the special things seem to be drawn out or avoided sometimes. i just want to kick something because i hate this so much. i hate myself for thinking that. cause i know you don't think so. we're not as lovey-dovey anymore, but like you said, did i really expect it to stay the same forever? we're are a little there again, and i'm really excited that it's happening on it's own. i love it when you call me beautiful. you look deep into my eyes with that look upon your face. i haven't seen that look for a while. i've tried to get it before, before you started it again, but you would just smile like, "hi". and then you'd look elsewhere. but no matter what we lose or gain, no matter where we are in our relationship, at a bump or on high tides, i'll love you forever.
♥nikki Current Mood: cynical
|waiting for someone to bring me flowers :/
why am i always waiting for someone to bring me flowers?
why don't i just grow my own?
and why do i always think i need someone to enjoy these flowers?
why cant i enjoy them alone?
love, me Current Mood: frustrated
get over your self. you failed out, you started over, you did well. so just get over it. you cant always win and u wont always lose. but you just cant expect to get back to that moment you lost, so move on already.. youre not gonna fit in with ur friends when ur trying so hard to be a goodie-goodie.. so pls, if u have any self-respect, just get over yourself and put that knife done.
without Love for Now,
me Current Mood: depressed
|I Wish i Could Die In Youre Arms, But shes in them
That hurt so so so much
I cant cry cause im not weak
Im not weak and i dont still love you
im not damnit im not and i dont still love youre smile
Im counting the seconds till you leave
I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU YOU IDIOT
I LOVE YOU AND IVE STAYED BY YOU FOR TOO LONG
I NEED YOU NOW RIGHT HERE I NEED YOU
im not going to cry because you wont care about the tears
I have spilt enough tears for you
now please become monstrously ugly inside, or become a pig or something please
i cant hold out this smile and its fading and my heart just stopped
please im collapsing to insanity for you im fighting back fucking depression and youre so bloody casual about my world ending
I Love You.
You dont care. I hate You. I love You. I cant live without you.
XxX Current Mood: crushed
|Note to self...
I miss you teribly.
Come back to me.
I wish you felt like you again. I don't know how to help you. Things are so fucked. Maybe you should just stop talking to people in general. It causes too many problems.
Dear Today (9/1/04),
Please end. now.
|the other side of the trend
I like what you've done lately.
You are taking steps to empower yourself in most areas of life and I love it. Things happen and you take ownership. You let yourself get angry when you're wronged and you find the most productive way to fix the problem.
Your ex was a dick again, you told him not to talk to you again and made him feel like the ass he has been.
Your academic writing teacher insults the entire class' intelligence by not knowing what level he's supposed to be teaching at, so you tried to talk to him after class about it and when he patronized you, you walked away, calmed down, found out who is the higher-up you need to talk to and got yourself an appointment.
When Nepoleon Dynamite didn't make you laugh within 50 minutes, you got up and left.
When you wanted flowers, you went out and got yourself roses, then when you told a guy who was in the hall that you bought them youself and he asked you what room was yours so he could send some to you, you told him that it was okay, that you could get them yourself.
I like who you are becoming.
(and you make posts like this at 11:11. you are too great.)
|i can't even think of a subject.
he said he doesn't know what he wants.
he doesn't find it in me obviously.
he needs someone better.
he deserves someone better.
and i hope he figures that out soon
cause that just hurt too much.
♥nikki Current Mood: depressed
you told me you loved me. you seemed to care. that was a long time ago. but i guess life is never fair. what your feeling down deep inside. you never tell me anymore. was it all just a lie? i hate writing about you, and having you on my mind! i just cant help it, you waste all my time. fuck, i just want to be friends. minus the camera lens. i loved you once more, shut out the doubts. you slammed the fucking door, and now im a whore. im only 16 and look at this mess. i wish i could move away, to another address. you said 'we need to talk last night' after i thought we were through. we hadn't spoke in a month, what does that mean too you!!?? you say whats up, and pretend to care once again. in the end you'll never just be a friend. i cant believe its been so long. a year ago today you were the one. i just wish you could screw all your friends and say whats on your mind. i know you dont want to know me because they MIND. get over yourself. and tell me the truth. what do you really think of me? lost in this youth. when im with you even when you claim to dislike me. i feel like i know you, and you know me back. we sit there and talk before we 'do stuff'. an hour goes by, oh my look at the time. another one passes, and now its time. we do our thing, and then go home. i face the fact that i am alone. i do these things to be around you, not like i really want to be used. i wish i could go back in time and change this past. but i had so much fun with you, i thought it would last. my goodness this letter could go on forever. a years worth of feelings, dont get much better. but ill this know with no feeling of regret. ive just got to move in and learn to FORGET!
your apryl.hahaa, i seriously have love issues right now. if you have any advice for me, please help. i need to get over this dude, and dont know how. ... ... .