I finally got to simply make you laugh for days in a row. Then i asked when my High Fidelity book should be coming in the mail. You gave it to her. When she's done. That girl you call your girlfriend (I might be biased but, her name is the ugly spelling. Micheala. ew. Makayla is so much prettier.) And you thought I would be okay with this why? That book has everything that reminds me of you underlined and some things that I simply love. Did you want her to see that? Did you want her to feel sorry for me? Did you want her to see what you and I were like? Gawd, that's something you couldn't have even done for me when I wanted you to, either while we were dating or in the year afterwards while we were -whatever we were. How hard was it to loan me a damn book, especially one that means that much? I even suggested that as a way to try to gain mutual interests again when we, scratch that, I, was trying to get us back together. I'm getting the strong vibe that you never wanted to, that you don't love me enough to handle missing me, that she's your way of forgetting.
Do you not understand just how much I love you? Despite everything, I do. My head screams it steadily anytime I see you, hear you, talk to you. You know how I react to things, you know what it is that I need. Yet you just don't. Like you said, you should listen to yourself sometimes.
You wanted to be pen pals. To be friends. Friends don't want to get you birthday "surprises", to cuddle up on your bed and play with your fingers as your hand rests on a hip. We are not friends, by no stretch of the imagination. There is too much there for friends.
So my solution. Don't talk to me. Send me my damn book back so I can burn it and buy a new copy, then don't try to contact me again. It's extreme, sure, but it's no worse than this past year has been. I don't want you reminding me why I miss you all the time, there are enough things in this world to do that for you.
If you listen to my solution, you really don't fucking care. But at this point I'm commited, I'm the psycho ex, and I won't take it back unless you force me to. But you're lazy so why would you?
i bet you're starting to wonder how many of these letters i am going to write. but you're not. because i'm a wimp. and i have yet to send you one letter. but i've decided that if i ever get over you i'll send all of these. just so you can see what i went though. i almost said what you put me through. but i'm starting to realize that none of this is your fault. i like to blame you. but only because i don't want to admit that the only person at fault is me. i fell head over heels for you. i let my guard down. i let you into my heart. i fell in love with you. so you see it is really all my fault. you can't help the fact that your completely perfect for me. that's not your fault. i finally stopped crying over you. but thats not good. because im not ready to be done crying over you yet. i think i used all my tears up. right now im hurting so badly inside that im almost shaking. but not a tear is falling from these lonely eyes. and i hate it. it hurts so bad i cant see straight but the tears wont come. not even if i look at your pictures and read all these letters. i am all cryed out. and i hate it.
I'm going to have to see you. The real you. Not the one I have seen in my dreams for 3 months now. Although I wish that you'll be just like him. You're going to be real...real flesh...a real heart beating through a body full of systems..living..breathing...
Oh god. What am I going to do?? Do I say hello? Do you want me to say hello? So I just not care anymore?
p.s.: do any of you know how to inteprut dreams really well??? i keep having weird dreams that i'd like to know what they mean...comment if you do!! thanks <3
This thing has been bothering me. I'm going to be brutally honest 'cuz it worked before, and maybe it'll work now. I wanted to tell you but I have no guts, and I'm a pansy, and I couldn't if I wanted to, so here goes nothing.. I've been thinking about you a lot. And I don't know if you've been thinking about me. But I want to know. We've talked.. but not a lot or anything.. and not about how you're feeling or how I'm feeling. Everything was so easy then, to just say, and now it's hard. But wow, you totally affected me. A lot. I need to know if you care. I do. Do you?
I'm just going to write about my dreams here and if you want to interpret them, please do!
Okay #1: I had this dream where I was on this trail through the forest with my best friend when all of a sudden we were on a bus to NYC and Nick (my very badly missed ex) was there sitting next to me. He kept flirting with me and he'd get close enough to kiss me but then he'd move a few seats down. He kept coming back again and whispering things in my ear. When I got off the bus I was outside of my school but he wasn't there.
Okay # 2: I had this dream where my friends and I went to Nick's house when he wasn't home but his parents were home. We went upstairs to his room and were just laughing around for awhile when we decided to go through his things. we didn't really find anything until we came to this drawer that was like a filing cabinet. he had all these records of him having diarrhea (yes i know...sooo weird) and from when he had his appendix taken out. then i found this notebook that i thought i would find something juicy in but it wasn't juicy at all. the whole time we were so nervous that we would get caught but we didnt.
i have a lot of dreams like this...that im sneaking around in his house trying not to get caught. they confuse me.
okay # 3: last night i had this dream where i was in the gym and Nick's best friend Marc was there. we was talking to me and he was like, "do you mind if someone joins us?" and he had this weird look on his face and i knew he meant nick.
"does his name begin with b and end with itch?" i asked.
"oh c'mon!" he replied, "give him a break! he is normal now...he changed. really. i promise you he is really nice."
so i gave him a chance. all i remember afterward was that he kept trying to be so nice to me and acting all cheesy but it was so awkward and i was angry.
if anyone could help me out with some of these i'd be very grateful!! thanks :)