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Monday, August 30th, 2004

Time Event
11:49a
confused
Tyler,

I don't know what to think about the other night. I don't know if you were just being nice. I do know that I liked it very much, but you have a girlfriend. I still can't forget your touch. I guess I shouldn't think anything of it. All the signs and the way you would hold me felt so right, damn your girlfriend.

Sincerley,

Me.
x
12:17p
you all had a wonder full little conversation about me when i left. bcuase im a very bad sister and i soooooooooo think my life the worst and i need you katie to tell me just what i should do with my life. becuase you know everyhting. well, id like to tell you just where you should go but hey i cant becuase im to cought up in them at the time. im not perfict and i dotn plan on being and wtf. your the one thats all ways fucking sad. dont start with me. and im not suposut get pissy with you? well, if you think for one second that im not going to get pissy youve got another thing comming. if im suck a bad sister NO if im suck a bad fucking person then why did you ever talk to me?

its not liek any of you even care its just somehting to do and someoen to pick on . right? it nto like you even ask me anyhting excpt who i like,. and it not liek you know anyhitng about my life or what IM aobut. like i said to you before. know the hole story before you say or do any tign ok?
this
is me
not
getting
pissy.
~larka~

Current Mood: pissed off
x
3:23p
Hey A.

Why is that with my coaching you were able to fix your relationship? I couldn't save my own to save my life. Everything I told you comes from too much experience with having those relationship salvaging talks with someone I trust and love, and as painful as it is to recognize, I don't think he loves me in the same capacity as I love him. He didn't believe that there was enough there to bother working on.

When I first met you I wasn't sure that you and her could make anything work; you hitting on me constantly and then being so amazed that I don't need your ego boosts, was so comfortable talking about things, and even knew what Trigun was. you even told me that if you and her had problems you'd be calling me all the time. luckily for everyone, I decided that if it came to that I'd try to help. Your attack hug today to say thanks for making you guys talk was the funniest thing and showed how much you do want things to work with her. I appreciate that mentality.
I like to see people who want to work at relationships. Cherish the fact that you found a girl who wants to work at it, who's willing to dress up like a school girl and enjoys your hairiness. That alone speaks volumes.

-M
x
5:18p
Hey everyone I'm new :)
And I'm a little lost when it comes to getting over a little aspect of my life that was everything to me.

We were dating for 10 months but we were been really close friends for almost 5 years. We had everything and most important we were happy.

And then one day, he just changed. He didn't give me any explanation he just said, I can't do this anymore and walked away from my life taking a piece of me with him.

And I haven't spoken to him in 3 months and it is driving me crazy.

!!!!

Current Mood: crappy
2 ||x
6:08p
James
I know that you're leaving soon. I honestly don't want you to go. I'll do anything if it could make you just stay. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I really care about you and it breaks my heart to think I won't see you until we go to Vancouver. I go crazy if I don't see you at least once a week, how am I going to last almost a year without you? You're the only one who's always been there. You're the only one who cared it was my birthday, the only one who noticed when I had a nervous breakdown. I think I'm falling for you... and it drives me crazy. I love you, and I need you to stay, for both of us.

Current Mood: melancholy
3 ||x
7:02p
Dear me .
there are honestly so many things going on in my mind right now i dont even know where to begin. what did i expect. did i really think high school was going to be easy? its the first day and im already running into so many problems. i feel like i want to go to sleep and never wake up. how do i find myself falling into that pattern again. i dont think people realize how much they hurt me. maybe i act like it doesnt phase me but deep down im emotionally unstable and they think its like a game to see how broken i can get . well congratulations world. youve hit me . and fucking hard too . i dont want to go to school and i dont want to have a journal anymore. i hate the way people assume they know me when they dont. im not a fucking whore and i just wish people could take their head out of their asses and see that . i havent had a boyfriend in forever and i just wish people would stop saying these things that can roll so easily off the tounge, but can hurt me so badly . if the things people say about me day in and day out are true then i hate who i am. what the fuck has happened to me .
- yea
x
7:11p
suggestions welcome/needed
I know this is for letters but I need some advice on a memior I've just written. If you could point out anything that needs to be explained or any suggestions fo improvement I would greatly welcome it. thanks


There are those people seen everyday; the teenagers on the street who look like they could care less, the adults driving their kids to school, and the students walking through the hallways of a high school in basically the same outfits everyday. There’s that one guy who for some reason or another catches the attention of one girl for just that moment and sparks something. An innocent glance that no one could realize would change everything. She may wonder why he has three of the same sweatshirts (yellow, purplish gray, and black) or why he feels the need to hide his t-shirts with a button down Hawaiian shirt.

That guy in my life is Ryan. One year older then I am but in the same grade our lives collided and instantly changed. Something in his brown eyes made me want to stick around and see the story unfold. His eyes constantly showed pain from his first heartbreak, the love of his life gone, and Robin to the rescue. Infrequent talks on AIM became more frequent and turned into walks around the school in the morning. Passing by the green and white alternating lockers we talked. He would joke about some TV show I hadn’t seen or something he saw online. He’d shift his wait onto my shoulder slowly pushing me in a diagonal path across the hallway and into the lockers with a smile on his face. Later that day we would walk in the same circles as we did that morning waiting for academic team to start.

There was one time when neither of us really felt like going to academic team practice. So we skipped it. We were only sophomores though and seeing as both of our parents would be picking us up later in front of the school we had nothing else to do but walk the hallways. It was winter, and so naturally unheated hallways were cold. It was then that I was offered the famous purplish gray sweatshirt to wear for the first time. Wearing a sweatshirt too big for me we walked around the first floor until we got to Mrs. Berry’s room, the academic team coach, and then we quickly docked under the door’s window to avoid being seen. Almost every time around we would break into subdued laughter at how we must look to other people in the halls, but that was the fun in it. Together we could act like little kids back in a complete state of innocence, just trying to make the other person laugh.

There were many nights online where he’d type some silly saying in his signature font choice of the moment, and I’d laugh. I was the ‘silly monkey’ or the ‘bob-n’ followed closely by the smiley face with a tongue sticking out (:-P). We were ‘secret agents’ who knew of the various online translators that would translate English to Portuguese and back again to English. It was our secret one that still might be brought up every once in a while. Portuguese was our language, some couples or friends might have songs but we had our language. It was a language neither one of us could speak but it was ours.

Things between us were great until every happy moment was momentarily deleted. Ryan had lost the love that he wanted, his eyes showed that quite clearly. Once again in his font choice for the moment, this time a black background with white font, he told me I was to blame. I was at fault for him losing that previously mentioned love, and for any problems he had with our mutual friends. Something wasn’t right and it was my fault.

Many months passed before I could look at those eyes without immense hatred. Months marked with pain, and heartbreak from losing the one person in the world who would understand me at any given moment. My buddy to walk around the halls with had faded into the rest of those strangers. And for months I can say that I didn’t know Ryan at all. I would sit behind him in English two and not have a single word to say to him. I had clearly lost the battle for his heart and in order to accept that I had to move on past it.

The next school year Ryan no longer walked the hallways of the school with the green and white lockers. He was at a brand new high school in the district and the time had come to forgive and forget.

Once again Ryan and I started our relationship by talking online. This time his font choice was a dark blue background with a light gray font. I saw him and the one thing I realized after about 5 months of not talking was the fact that his eyes had changed. His brown eyes weren’t filled so much with hatred or lose, he seemed so happy. He was happy and so was I and together we had those moments back.

The hatred towards each other that marked so many months of our young lives was slowly forgotten and filled with more pleasant times. February 14th, a day typically marked for lovers, was the district academic team meet. I had nothing else to do and so to waste the day I decided to go with the quick recall team to Henry County. Ryan was there. We sat together on the bus like old times. As with any academic team competitions there are down periods where teams would have no match scheduled, or a match may have run longer then other matches. During these times we would walk the unfamiliar hallways of another high school. Together again, almost back to where we began. There was less innocence this time around but more understanding. Together and separately we were happy.
1 ||x
10:41p
Dear You,

It's been 3 months since you've been gone,
and maybe you were hoping it would make me love you less and less and less. Well I hate to say it, but you're wrong. I love you more.

Samantha told me something I really needed to hear yesterday. She said that you were happy with us. You just didn't want to be happy with us, you wanted to be happy with the "populars". And that day when you walked into class and told Eric you didn't love me anymore...that is not what you meant. You meant, "I don't want to love her anymore."

For some reason,
this all makes perfect sense.
And I'm hoping so badly, that she is right. I miss you more then you could ever know.

She also said she missed you too...and that she wished you would go back to being normal. I wish that too. Can't you see that? Can't you see that we all miss you and we are all worried about you? Things can never possibly be the same. When we go out to eat, you're absense is everywhere. You're supposed to be in the seat next to me. You're supposed to be slurping your soda. You're supposed to be acting like a 5 year old. You're supposed to be arguing with Eric about baseball. You're supposed to be twitching every 2 seconds. You're supposed to be trying to kill yourself every time samantha says something dumb. You're supposed to be sneaking me kisses every time no one is looking. You're supposed to be our friend because we all love you.

Especially me.

And if I'm wrong,

I really do hope you find what you're looking for.
I want you to be the happiest boy in the world because I know you deserve it.

I love you, Nick.
You're beautiful just being you,
when you're not trying to prove something,

I hope you know that.

Sweet dreams,
me***

Current Mood: discontent
2 ||x

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