August 28th, 2004

(no subject)

I'm going to pretend I don't know all the things I know.

I'm going to pray that things work out. I'm going to pray that people wind up happy, and I know things won't work out the way I want them to, but I'm going to pray that they do. I'm going to pray that when he said he'd remember me, that he'd remember that moment (of me asking if he'd remember me) until he was ninety, like he said. I'm going to pray that people I care about learn to accept themselves and give themselves a break sometimes, that they learn to be happy. I'm going to pray for love and peace. I'm going to pray that I keep the friends I've met, both in MD and everywhere else, especially those that mean a lot to me.

Most of all, I'm going to pray for you.


okay so were not seeing eachother but u still call me every night just to talk so i thought maybe there was still something there even if it is that you know that no other could make you laugh like me and you do when we talk till 4 in the even kissed me last week...and even tho i told you that when u kissed me i didnt feel anything and that my feelings for you were gone you knew i was lieing u even said yeah right u no u like me and can wait till we date again...then u were walking me and aly to our class that we have together and you kiss her right there right infront of me ouch you 2 arent dating you even told me you didnt like her...lies all lies... just wait ill stop answering ur calls and ull see how i can live with out you and youll be the one saying you miss me but this time i wont go back becuase going back to you would be like sucide like jumping off a clif with a tiny string in my hand hopeing it will catch me when i know it wont it...ouch

from you

i'm here without you baby. but you're still on my lonely mind. yea thats a song. i know. but thats how i feel right now. i miss you. your still on my mind. all the time. your still affecting my life. i wish i could erase you from my list of things i love.

love always,
  • Current Music
    three doors down

(no subject)

dear self,

get over him. right now. i command you. dont let him control your life anymore. its not fair. you need to move on and find another guy that wont leave you alone and broken. you deserve so much better than him. and if you look hard enough you can find better than him. so open your eyes and LOOK.


To Walt:

I still think about you. I wonder every night whether you think about me too. What went wrong? You said you loved me and that you would never hurt me.. and I believed you. I was stupid enough to believe you.. and look what you did.. You broke my heart. It can't mend.. because of you.. I want my heart back.

I hate seeing you in the halls in school.. and you never look my way. You never said hi. Even though you said you wanted to be friends. We were friends.. For acouple days. Then you turned sour. You stopped talking to me. You act like I don't exist. It hurts Walt.. It really does.

I still like you. And it sucks.

  • Current Music
    Dashboard Confessional

1st post.

signed in my blood
and sealed with a *k*i*s*s*
no return address
i wrote you this:

it hurt so good
you hurt me bad
i knew you would
with what we had
words all in vein
cant help but shake
hidden in pain
this smile is fake
i stand over you
while you're asleep
ready to stop your breath
and cut so deep
nowhere to go
you turn in your bed
tonight at last
you'll dream in red
and in your dreams
when we're together
remember what it means
when you say forever

a little extreme maybe. hah. no worries. just something i thought everyone could relate to. i don't think people understand what it means to say 'forever'.

anyway.. it seemed to fit well in the community. rate it on a scale of 1 to 10..?

  • Current Music
    wheatus - teenage dirtbag


dear you,

i'm jealous of what you and her have. i want that. it feels so magical to me when you sit down and we talk, or even when we don't say anything at all. i wish you knew how i felt...



hello again another letter but this is have been haunting my thoughts and our memories happened everywhere i go i cant run away!! there is no place thats safe and doesnt make me think of you...i dont want you back at all...yea i did love you and it would be convient to be like it would use to be...but its not gonna will never will hurt me or worse i will hurt you...we would never trust each other...we both hurt each other ...cheated ...lied ...yelled would never be the same...but all i want to do is see you for one more day just to finnally say goodbye and mean it...finnaly break it more stupid prolly think im fucking moved on quite alright in my eyes...i have too...i pretty much moved on too...i have had boyfriends and crushes and one night stands and friends with benifits....and im happier you have no idea how happy i have been i havent been depressed all summer.thats a huge accomplishment for me ...but lately these memories of us appear whereever i go and i think that if i finally get the chance to say goodbye because i know it will finnally be goodbye but right now i think "he is gonna come back even tho he just want to see all of us as friends " but i have to realize you arent... and right now if it get these thoughts about you out of my head i am not gonna be scared to get to you with any means possible worse comes to worse i will freaking email this to you but im gonna do this no turning back goodbye i loved you but i moved on
  • Current Music
    My Favorite Accident - Motion City Soundtrack

(no subject)

dear everyone,

i'm sick of you using me, and i'm especially sick of you using me as your last resort. you only call when nobody else can talk. you only come over if you want to use something of mine. you want to talk or hang out when nobody else is available. and i'm fucking sick of it.

i don't see why i have to be everyone's dummy. everyone's back-up, everyone's last fucking resort. if you can't get anyone else do to it, don't fucking expect me to anymore. i'm not taking it anymore.

what the fuck am i talking about? come tomorrow, i'll give in again. i'm too weak.

i wish you didn't hurt. i just want a real, true friend.

my hands are shaking..

  • Current Music
    heh, the used. how fitting. blue and yellow.

(no subject)

Hey Lush,

I see that you're online right now, not talking to me though, you haven't in a while. I don't like talking to anymore, seeing you online or coming back from being away makes my stomach sink and pisses me off. It's funny usually you go "Emoo", "Yooo", or something of that nature when I sign on or come back from being away but not lately. It's probably because I don't seem very interested when you say you miss me and want to hang out. Why miss me? It's not like we ever went out, we never really were friend either. You said a lot of things and I believed them, and for some reason can't forget them. "I love you, you're specialer than anyone else, I just want you to be happy" "I would make-out with a guy for you". And the stuff you told Kristin, not wanting me to move so we could get married? We're in high school. You said you broke-up with your girlfriend because of me, I'm guessing you went back out with her 09579805647 more times because of me too, maybe you did for the sex too. You fuck her just for the taste. You know she's a slut. You started to drink more because of me, you didn't go on vacation because of me. I knew for a while you had feelings for me, I just didn't say anything. I thought I didn't have feeling for you, my friends saw that I did before I did. A majority of my summer was spent here talking to you, saying things we never should have said. The whole I really want to go out with you but we never see eachother, when are we going to cuddle thing and then I'm sorry I don't have feelings for you anymore. Mind games? Please, you're the one that said all of that shit and played games with my head! Infact you still are, you miss me? What happened to the whole sorry I don't have feeling for you thing? Maybe things will be different when school starts, maybe I'll see you at that thing on Tuesday. I don't know.

Hey Lush, have fun.. it's the weekend.




dear luke,

Lie to me. Tell me i am the thing that helps you breath. Kiss my lips and hold me in, and tell the world that's within you is where I begin. Crack a smile that will kill the masses. only because I help you breathe.

I want to be the thing that helps you breathe
  • Current Music
    dying with honor

to no one in particular,

I talked to chris tonight, actually I talked to him recently mor ethen I talked to Ryan. But he's coming home this weekend and want's us to get toghether once or twice. He asked about Ryan and what all was going on and I really didn't feel like I had the answer so our conversationw as light hearted and typical until I caught the lie that he didn't know anyone. His Ex is there and one of the reason's they broke up really isn't a reason anymore.

"him (10:28:57 PM):No how do you feel
him(10:29:13 PM): ?
me (10:29:51 PM): I think sometimes that I'm just the back up girl that you hang out with when no one else is around
him (10:30:18 PM): no that is not it
him (10:30:21 PM): why do u think
me(10:32:07 PM): We never talked when we had a class together and there was another girl there and now suddenly you're away and haven't met that girl and I'm the one you turned to
him(10:32:36 PM): emily is here
him(10:32:47 PM): it not like there isnt a girl here
him (10:33:10 PM): i am just not inersted in her and there is something i have always like about u "

So that was it and I sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. So many chances have passed just in the hopes that I might get one thing that won't happen. Is it weird that all I want is for someone outside of my family to say they love me. To feel wqanted for who I am not what I was once. So many times I only wish I had a relationship with someone that would make me want to stick it out and stay in kentucky. but I don't haver that and I can only think that I will never have it and slowly that reality hurts. Chris's comments tonight made me feel like I was once again the person breaking up the happiness in someone else's love life. The only difference is that this time he wants to be with me now...but then again the other guy did at the beginning too.

I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't know who to be.
  • Current Mood
    thirsty thirsty

local show then a night swim better yet

Seeing you was just great. Being with you was just great.

Tonight was just I good night. Going to a show being with friends, you, was just a better saturday afternoon I'ce had in a while. After show, going for a night swim with friends, just made it happen. Seeing you in your whitey tightys was just, funny.

I realize that I don't wanna lose you, ever
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable