August 27th, 2004

(no subject)

dear zack,

its been a while since i've written another one of these pointless letters to you. for a while i gave up. i realized that it was pointless. ill never send these to you. so why should i write them? but maybe, someday i will send them to you. some day when im over you and you want me back, i can show you these. and make you feel the pain that im feeling right now. your still in control of my life you know that? i cant move on. and its all your fault. i wonder how your doing. i bet you have a million new girlfriends down there. and here i am, with no one. i bet you never would have guessed. because im sure that one of the reasons for why you broke up with me was that you thought i would cheat on you. ''with a black guy''. hell or a white guy. whatever. were a thousand miles apart. whats going to stop me from cheating on you? or vice versa. but thats the thing. i have a pretty strong feeling that i wouldn't have cheated on you. especially after the whole rich thing happened. i could have made it. but you gave up. you didnt even try to be strong and wait. i was already saving my money up. i was already a third of the way there.well of course i spent it all when you broke up with me (comfort shopping). but still. we could have seen each other again. i could have had enough money by christmas. but not now. and its too bad. too bad for me because im still sitting here wondering about you, completely stuck on you. and its sad. im not ass-ugly. so why is it that your the greatest guy ive ever met and had a chance with? i know you have your flaws. so why is it that i dont care? i should deserve better. but i dont think i do. and i cant find better any how. your the best ive ever had. and i dont want to replace you. which i really should. it would be rediculous to not even give other guys a chance just because i cant get over you..but ive already started doing that. i hope one day you look back and miss me like im missing you. and i hope one day you realize that im the best youve ever had. and that your sorry you gave me up. i still miss you.
i still love you.

love always,
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to anyone who cares (not like anyone will)...

I think I have serious problems believing that anyone really wants to have anything to do with me. And I can't figure out why. But I'm really really insecure about people just pretending to want to be my friend or like me or whatever. Even when I know that (at least sometimes) I'm being ridiculous.

I'm so like that with Tony it's ridiculous. And I feel stupid but I don't know what to do. It's like how I can't bring myself to call him on the phone. Which no one seems to understand. But to me, I hate calling people on the phone because I always feel like they pick up and they're like "Why are you calling, I don't want to talk to you"

And I don't know what to do parce que I miss Tony. I haven't seen him in 17 days and I may not get to see him again for a while because his only ride is Matt's brother. And Matt is being an ass so Kelly and him are fighting and therefore can't stand each other. And I need someone there to hang out with Tony parce que my mommy doesn't know we're dating so she'd think it was weird if the two of us went somewhere. And I'm like "Wtf? This sucks so hard and I'm lonely and I really just need a hug and someone to tell me I'm pretty."

I think I've gone insane.