Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I have told you before to stop doing this to yourself, and I thought it finally got through to you. I was wrong, you started again. Stop hurting yourself.
Also, I thought this pain would stop. I thought it did stop. I was wrong again. These feelings only came back again, resurfaced, after being suppressed for so long. Why? Why must I suffer again, or maybe even, still? I hated this feeling the first time around, and I feel like it will only get worse this time. I just hope I don't do anything stupid if this does get worse. Please don't do anything stupid.
yeah, you broke my heart at a time where that was really not what I needed. I needed to be sad about leaving, not that I couldn't call you mine. I cried for you, for being put in the position of being the evil ex, for wanting to leave--to runaway from you-- so badly that it's all I could do to stop myself from telling everyone to get the fuck away from me, I want to be gone.
Today the fact that I miss people and things about home hit me like a ton of bricks. I removed myself from the world, sobbing on my bed, and then got so emotionally exhausted from trying not to be hurting that I fell asleep when I should have been writing a paper.
maybe if you shed your preppy shell for thrift store clothes, and maybe if you calmed down and stopped worrying so much about people liking you, and how many pills it takes to die...maybe i could have loved you. all the letters made me feel the holes i was tearing in your heart and i hated you for making me care. i worry every day i'll wake up and here you finally did it. that you're gone. and its all my fault.
- the bitter cynical bitch, or so you once had the kindness to call me
Wanker, You make me want to punch you in the mouth. Arrrggghh. Why the hell are you so difficult. The daily phone calls should stop. My classes have started. I will to be too busy and tired to stay up and wonder about you. I don't even know if you read your email. I never get a reply. I don't expect one. I never have. I'm going to be in Orlando this weekend. Doubtful you'll call. Maybe I'll see you around another weekend that I'm up there. I enjoyed our convo on fri/sat morning. Wish I would have been sober so I could store all your words in my head. I always try to remember everything you say. Your words mean a lot to me. Just to know someone cares enough to give me their opinion. They escaped while I tried to stay awake. I wasn't concentrating enough. I hope you call. Soon. I miss our conversations. I'm not sure what happened. But it did, and I hate it. I need a friend... and no one is there. Always at a friends house... watching a movie. I bet you have seen every movie made, eh? Fuck you Matt. I don't know why I let this effect me. We were never close. It seems that after that one night at Rory's party when we sat at the beach and I just vented to you about everything, and you were nice enough to listen, I thought we could be good friends. I have always considered you on since then. Even when you went through that year of hating me or whatever. (I don't know, all I remember is you saying - Stop caring so much, stop calling, I hate you.) I guess once we started talking again after that year or so of not... that things would go well for longer. I don't know if that made sense.But now it seems that you rather not have me call again. It makes me sad. I almost lost a good thing by trying to persue something I thought was great. I guess I deserve good. Not great. What can I say, old crushes die hard. I don't want this one to die. I really do miss you. <3 Aimee
Why am I not happy? Why is it not enough to have a boyfriend who just plain loves me? Why can't I love him back like I know I should? Like I know I did. Or maybe I'm just confused, maybe this is love..