August 25th, 2004

(no subject)

dear keith,

im sorry that i cant say this to your face. or over the phone. or even in an im. i feel that it will be much easier for me to say if i have a lot of time to think about everything before i say it.let me start by saying that you are a truly amazing guy. and that any girl would be very lucky to have you. especially me. ive never had alot of luck with any of my relationships. ive been used and hurt
too many times to count. but i still feel like i can trust you. the problem is, im not ready for another relationship. ive never been in a serious relationship before. and while i said ive never been in love
before, lately ive been starting to question that. because even though my last relation ship wasn't very long, i felt stronger for him than i ever have for any boy before. and im starting to think that it may have been love. even if it wasnt im still not ready to move on. because i still feel the same way for him. and i dont want to hurt you. thats the last thing that i want to have happen. i feel that getting into a relationship right now could be a very bad idea. because im afraid that if i do, it will just be a rebound. and i really dont want to hurt you. and while i do feel more lonely right now then i ever have in my entire life, its just not the right time to get into a relationship. especially a long-term one. but there is one thing that you can count on. the day that i stop caring for my ex so much i will call you. as soon as i can go more than ten minutes without thinking of him, and more than a day without crying over him, i will let you know. and for now i really do want to be friends. very good friends.because you are such a wonderful person. im sorry. please dont take this the wrong way.
your friend,
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    with this empty soul

(no subject)

To Myself.

Don't do this to yourself. Remember what happened last time? You fall in and out of love like the weather changes. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS HALLIE. DON'T FOOL YOURSELF.

You're so stupid. You know damn well that you're not in love with this boy and chances are, you never will be. I don't understand why you find it so necessary to try and convince yourself that you're in love with every single person you date?

It's not all that it's cracked up to be you know. Remember how you were "so in love" with Pat? Look how that turned out. Twice. Don't listen to someone else just becasue it sounds good. Don't lie to yourself. I know you won't listen to me.

Whatever happened to take it slow? Whatever happened to easing into your next relationship? You knew this kid for what, two weeks? Don't get me wrong. The relationship is going good. Great, if you will. It's just not how you wanted it to happen... Don't come to some dumb conclusion just because it's all the rage to do.

You told him what love was.

-being determined to learn the persons favorite song on the instrument you play
-being able to argue jokingly about stupid things
-trying to read someones mind thru their eyes
-slow dancing in the middle of your bedroom to a song that isn't even slow to begin with
-not being able to mad at someone
-it's the 5 hour fights over the phone becasue you want it fixed so badly.
-it's being able to tell them that you might have feelings for someone else, becasue you know it's only infatuation.
-growing as two seperate people, but in the same direction because you want it to last.
-knowing someones going to call.. just becasue they miss you.
-somone who has always found you the most beautiful when youre not wearing any make up at all...

Until you've accomplished every one of those things, I don't want to hear any mention of the "L" word.

I just want someone who will come over to my house early in the morning to watch cartoons with me, and hold my hand when i get scared, and laugh at my dumb jokes, and put my pictures up on the wall... is that so much to ask?

Love always,

Welcome to delirium.

To you,
This is what you said to me:
'Well, you know I believe there is a reason, or at least meaning, for everything. The reason that kept poping into my head when I thought about it the last two days is basically to remind us how bad it gets, of our past. Not for us, so much as.... others.'
We just went trough two straight days of emotional, spiritual, physical and mental hell together. You were the only thing keeping me sane, and I did the same for you.
Hell is an understatment when it comes to the past few days.
But we learned from it in different ways.
My eyes opened and saw something I brushed off before, now I look with an even more open mind. And you felt something new which changed your beliefs and knowledge completly.
We'll grow from this.
No one should ever live through something like that.
I love you.