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Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

Time Event
1:04a
matt. once again. URG! i wish you would fall off the face of the earth! so then i wouldnt have to talk or see your stupid face again!
yes. you say i get mad at you all the time for stupid reasons. Well. if you werent such a douche bag and actually cared if i got mad about something, then maybe i wouldnt be so mad at you. i dont know what to do. When im with you, i dont want to be with anyone else. and its like, i love you. and i dont want you to leave. and i just want to lay with you in my bed and listen to dashboard. like we use to. You are all sweet to me. You hold me. Youre... the sweet matt that i absolutely adore and love.
But then right as you leave, you are a whole other person.
A person i hate. I person i wish i had nothing to do with. A person who cares about noone.
You say you care about me. But for some reason, i dont believe you.
When you leave, the next day, im totally ignored by you. Whats the deal with that? I ask you to hang out. You dont call me until like 11 and tell me OH sry i cant. bye. I dont get you!
You didnt even come to my match today. THanks.
You are never here for me. Whenever i need you, you are no where to be found.
I must let you go. SO i guess. leave me alone

So you just called. You always say you call. Im lucky though if i even get a call usually. Yesterday when you saw me, you told me you were gonna call me today. Hm. I waited and waited. No call. THen i call you and tell you i have something to talk to you about, then you call back 10 minutes later telling me youll call me later. SO an hour later you call me to tell me that your going to bed.
Are you trying to avoid me confronting you about everything?
Of how horrible you were. whatever.
i hate you even more. yet i always go back to you...
talk to you tomorrow. cause i know i will. cauase i always seem to go crawling back to you even though i am just treated like shit from you.
why do i take this?

Current Mood: annoyed
1 ||x
11:07a
confused.
Who? You, I guess.

I don't get it. Seriously, I don't. My brain just keeps telling me things and it's probably fiction because it's so crazy. I just want someone so bad I'm starting to make things up. Now that just isn't right. You confuse me.

Me.
3 ||x
4:08p
6 ||x
9:36p
Dear Mom,

What the Hell... when I say I don't have something of yours I don't have it. I hate how you always yell at me for something, yell at me when I say I don't know. Then serch my room looking for it. And after all that, you find it in your own fucking room. You look at me you roll your eyes, like I had put it belongs just to fuck with you, and I didn't have it to begin with. What is your malfunction? What the hell did I do to you? Get over yourself.

Stop being a fucking marter.

You annoy the hell out of me.

Cusa

Current Mood: aggravated
9:43p
"Cross my heart and hope to..
I'm lying just to keep you..
Here."

My heart hurts. I wish I didn't care about the animals getting killed, I wish I didn't mourn for the deaths of soldiers in Iraq. I wish I didn't cry when I disappointed Amy, and knowing that I have done nothing to regain her trust didn't break my heart. I wish I didn't care what Stephen felt, that I could just tell him everything and know it wasn't hurting him, and pretend that he wasn't crying right now. I wish I could be there for Seph the way he wants me to, I wish I could take the place of his pills and drugs, and help him, make things ok for him. I wish Greg didn't torment himself over me, I wish he knew how wonderful he was, I wish I could convey that to him. I wish Tiffany could talk to me, I wish I could gain her trust so she could finally have someone to talk to her.

I wish I could forget words spoken so long ago (slut, I love you, babe, stay with me, whore..) and those looks I would give anything to have, and not just kissing (kissing works with anyone, I kissed her and him and him and her and it didn't matter, it didn't matter) but the tingle. The tingle.

I wish.

Current Mood: crushed
2 ||x

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