August 15th, 2004

Masuimi Max

I would have him read it, but at the moment he has a girlfriend


You were painted into my mind
So many times
But I never checked the paints to be
Sure that they would wash out.
Acrylics come off of skin
But off of tissue I’m not sure
That someday your smile
Won’t haunt me at all
Its incarnations
Mostly those where you were watching me
Love in your eyes and that smile…
Or how you shake your hair
Or how you strut instead of walk
All so self-assured
Then there’s the time
you kissed my stomach
and the times you held me close
making sure I was happy
before you would go
And then the first time
We missed each other
Those tears across your cheeks
Compared it all to the last time
In the car you watched me cry
you held your head in your hands
and I could not help feeling
an urge to kiss you then
and remind you of all
that you ever have been to me
Despite all the heartache
I could never love you less
And someday when we’ve grown
Into who we want to be
I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine
That’s when we’ll see
That love is love regardless
Or age or fear or dreams

(no subject)

why, why did u take bhavin of all people, he had to be one of the nicest kids in school and now hes gone...

RIP Bhavin 1987 - 2004

i wish i could turn back time to warn you last sorry your in everyones thoughts and prayers...
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(no subject)

we haven't known each other that long. but every day with you, is the perfect day. every time i hear you laugh, or see you smile, or just watch you when you don't think i'm watching; it amazes me. it amazes me that there could be someone out there that can take my breath away and not even know it. tonight when i stood there watching the water drip from your eyelashes, i wanted time to stand still. i wanted to get locked in a perfect moment. but somehow i know, that there will be millions of other perfect moments if i'm with you. you are the most beautiful person i have ever met. and i hope you never stop amazing me. <3

(no subject)

I cant believe you. I wish i could hate you so much. I hate how i cant hate you or stay mad at you. no matter how bad you treat me, i always go back to you. Youre lucky Im still here for you. Youre lucky that I still talk to you. You put me thru hell when we broke up. You called it a "break" and then you started dating kristina. You knew I hated her. Then you ignore my calls. You ignore me just all together. what the fuck matthew?! You couldnt TALK or see me or have anything to do with me. All because of her. Who were best friends since 7th grade? US. I knew we shouldve never started dating. I told you it was a bad idea on that long thanksgiving weekend in november. But you didnt want to listen. You told me you loved me and that nothing would change between us no matter what. and if we broke up then we will still be as close as we were. Boy were you wrong. I was perfectly content dating david at the time. Then you get stoned and as we are driving home you kiss me. I know, its not all of your fault. I kissed you back. I had butterflies. I loved you. but i knew it wouldnt work. BUt, after you pleading, i break up with david who was perfect, for you. and we date. for how long? about 4 months? then a month of being on a "break". whatever. thats bullshit. Im sorry. But no. My whole life was flipped. I had lost my best friend. and a guy who REALLY cared for me... david. You claimed you still loved me and that everything was going to be alright and go back to normal just buddys again. You were wrong once again. I would call you, to talk to you, like i would in the old days, and you would just ignore my calls. you hated me. or it seemed like. Then you date kristina. whoa. i cant believe you. You lie to me and make up excuses just so you dont have to hang out with me?! wow. youre really sweet. what happened to the matt i use to know and love? hmm? the matt that would come over all the time and just lay in my bed and talk to me about anything. the matt who would bring me flowers all the time just because! the matt who would call me everyday when they got home from school. the matt who would come to my tennis matches and cheer for me? the matt who was just always... there.
He disappeared. Bring him back.
So you broke up with kristina. Whos the first person you called? Me. why? please, dont break me this time. I cannot take it. You are now calling me again. Asking me to hang out. coming over. calling me baby. telling me you love me. all these things. you do this for a week, then just ignore me again for a couple days and then call me saying you had been busy. Im sorry. so am i just a toy to you? seriously. when you want some, you come over and are all sweet. then once you get it you run away and turn into the jerk. What did i ever do to you?
And for my birthday. Yeah. whatever. I stop by, carsons there. so im like ok and ask you to hang out later. you say maybe. I dont hear from you for the rest of the day. remember your birthday? Do you remember what I did for you!? While you were at your baseball game, i filled your car with balloons, bought you flowers, for all those times you bought ME flowers, and made a card out of all the pictures of me and you. then i wrote you a long letter telling you how much i cared about you and how glad i was to be with you and etc. What did you get/do for me for my birthday? Not a damn thing. I would think you would get me something. anything. I mean, you are one of my best friends. and you dont even hang out with me on my birthday. thanks.
Im so fed up with all the shit you put me thru. Youre lucky i still want anything to do with you. or still talk to you. or anything.
I dont know what to do anymore. Im so fed up. I wish i could just hate you and forget about you. But i cant. you are a big part of my life. and i love you. even though i wish i hated you.
Youre such a jerk. and you dont even care when i get mad at you! youre just like ok bye.
If you cared about me 1/2 as much as you say you do, then maybe we wouldnt be in this mess.
Go back to the old matt.
I love you.

Now, fly the white flag of war.

Dear Lucas,
I love you.
One day I will do for you what you've done for me. And today you finally told me what I was waiting for you to realize:
"Last night it hit me, you actually do love me and understand me, for who I really am. Hardly anyone else even knows who I really am."

(no subject)


i hate you. i hate you i hste you i hate you so fucking much. stop fucking with my best friend. youl tell us to come to the goddamn show and you fucking leave with 2 other girls! if you would have just talked to her for 5 minutes you wouldnt have all this shit on your shoulders. fuck you. just fuck you.

ok. i don't really hate you. but god damnit fabian. youre dumb! stop tip-toeing around this. DON'T FUCK WITH HER. she is my best firend and i swear to god if you hurt anymore than you already have i'll never speak to you again. i don't care if you're my boyfriends cousin. i don't care if your band kicks so much ass. i don't care if your friends are nicer to us than you are. youre a dumbass. maybe she should jsut believe what jonathan told her about you. STOP HURTING MY BEST FRIEND BECUASE YOU'RE HURTING ME TOO.


two letters

my dearest aunt-

what the fucc! so you dont trust me now? what exactly is it that i did to lose your trust? i want you to name the exact event that caused you to lose your trust in me. i know it was the whole ''zack thing'' but what exactly was it? so i sat on his lap. so i kissed him. so what!? im fifteen. your not my mother. and i can take care of myself. im not a wh0re. i didnt hook up with a million guys down there. just one. and im not stupid either. im not going to let him do anything unless i want him to do it. you dont have to take care of me, im growing up now and i can take care of myself. and i still dont understand what made you stop trusting me. because i met a guy that i liked alot and i did thing that normal teenage girls do with guys that they like? whats wrong with that?!its not like i fucced him! god im not that much of a wh0re. i thought you knew me better than that. please explain it to me because if you cant tell, im having trouble understanding. and you can say ''we love you, we just dont trust you'' or whatever you want. because i dont believe it. love is pure and honest and beautiful and TRUSTING. if you dont trust me , you dont love me. so say what you want. your not my mother and you cant controll me.


so when it comes to covering for yourself you can lie like hell, but when its someone else whose ass is on the line thats when the truth comes out? thats bullshyt. and you know it. i would cover for you. so fucc you for not doing the same for me. fucc you. its your fault that your mother doesnt trust me any more. so when she doesnt let us go anywhere alone, and when she doesnt let us hang out any more dont come crying to me. because i really dont care all that much. maybe she lost her trust in me. but thats your fault. and guess what, i lost my trust in you.

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