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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Monday, August 9th, 2004

Time Event
7:15a
Dear dad,

I always sort of wondered why you had me and zac. You were never really around when we were younger and you really aren't now only to complain on how much kids cost. Did you ever think you might have hurt zac? Hes not as mature as the rest of us yet. He still thinks your a hero he hasn't quite figured out that really you don't care about anyone but yourself.

Do you ever sit by Zac's bed wondering what hes dreaming about wish he coud stay like that? Knowing in all your heart that while he is inside his dreams he can do anything and wishing he couldfeel he could for the rest of his life awake and asleep?

Okay I will admit I was a little bit of a disappointment and so was Abby but Zac wasn't and if you ever thought about us you'd know that. If you ever watched him. I hate you for leaving him alone. Leaving us alone. I hate you for not seeing that you killed this family. Not mom you. You left me to take care of everyone. I will never forgive you for that.

your daughter
x
8:14p
to my mother
I wonder if you will always treat your youngest child differently. You were seperated from my father when he was only three months older and then divorced only a year later. I think part of you thinks you owe your son something for his father not being there. HAve you ever stopped to think that you owe your youngest daughter something too? I don't remember you to ever being together. We moved to kentucky only one week before my fifth birthday and on the last day of kindergarten you guys told us that you were getting a divorce. I think it's harder for a child who knows and hears stories of there parents together in there life time and yet can not for the life of them remember it, then it is for a child who never had this.

The latest arguement was set off by you asking if I would drive him to school the first morning. You said you would pick him up but could I take him? I never got rides home from school in middleschool. I'm mad. I don't understand how you think the neighborhood has changed for the worse since the days when Megan and I rode the bus. Mother do you fail to remember that there was a drug house on the corner of the street right by the bus stop. You must because no matter what you say I never got rides home. I understand that in the morning Justin had to get on the preschool bus or had school but his was earlier then ours you could have taken us after the bus picked him up. But no. What did you do. Every wednesday you and justin would go to the zoo. true I hate the zoo but it's the prinicple behind the fact that you've always tried to make up for what he didn't have. And face it I didn't have a lot either and you didn't do crap to make it up? You still don't.

I go and do things with one person basically and you don't understand why I take him home afterwards. Frankly even since he got his liscence I don't think I would want him to see this house and come and get me. I'm over the poinmt of trying to hide what I come from but I'm not sure I'm ready to let someone actually see it in person.

Face it you know nothing about me or my life because you don't care to ask and when I begin to tell you you walk away. You know ryan's name but you haven't heard anything else I might say. You couldn't list five people I talk to at school...matter of fact I bet you would list nathen and that's it. You know Nathen from work and yearbook but outside of that I hardly talk to him. Anyhow you know nothing. You laughed when I told you I wanted to take that creative writing class and said waht's the use. I love poetry and sometimes even if you were too far removed to notice poetry was the only way I could keep my sanity. You feel obligated and ask where I'm going everytime I leave the house but you don't know why I'm going or what I did when I got there or who I was going with. You don't know much about me but I know a lot more about you then you think I do. For instance I know that sometime in your life you had skin cancer and I can guess but I"m not positive that it was about three years ago. Isn't that something you should tell your children?

I know that a lot of teenage daughters don't get along with there moms and that's okay. But the resentment I have for you is so strong that at times seeing your face or even being in this house is too much for me and my only escape is my father who isn't in town during the week because he's off makeing a living so that I can go to college in Arizona and that Justin can have what he needs and Megan can get a lawyer for her latest trials. Dad gave up alot just to be by us when he can and although I don't see him nearly as much as I would like to I know that it's because he's working and making a living and that anytime he's home I could be over there and I basically am. I want to talk to you about living with him when ever he is in town including school days. I want to stay at dad's house every weekend and go over on thursday nights. I don't see why this would be a problem since at the age of 17 megan would spend a whole week at his house with him there. I'm not asking for that YET I just want some relief. Mrs. Reedy asked me what I would do without my family near and I told her that I could talk to them on the phone and the only one I would really miss is my dad and Noah. That's not right I should miss you but fdor the last three years I've been planning ways to escape you. To go gainst your will.

We aren't the typical mother daughter it feels as if I'm a stranger living here sometimes. I know inside somewhere that I am loved by you but I question it more and more and I'm tired of that. I know Dad loves me and that's a feeling every kid should have. I hate that you make my curfew 12 and that you don't trust me. Mom I've never done anything really wrong. I've never gotten drunk I've never done drugs. I still remember being at a middleschool dance with Josh like eigth grade year and it was still when all the parent's had to walk in and get the kid and you walked into get me and I didn't see you and Josh kissed me and I turned around and you were there. You didn't say a word to more. I expected some lecture I expected something along the lines of advice or sadly a mother-daughter moment. But we don't ahve those. I don't think we really ever had one. Anything I wanted to know I learned myself. I feel as if I grew up by myself and yet you were in the same area you just weren't actually with me.

I know this is getting long but needless to say I've got issues. and I've got no one else to talk to. You can't win me over with banana bread and shoo-fly pie. You can't buy me with gifts of some clothing I'd never were or mater8ial for a skirt I won't ever make. MOm all I wanted all these years was to be treated like Justin and I've never had that never had a glimpse and that's scary because each day goes by and I think that I'm more and more like you that in some way I failed at the smae time. When I was a cheerleader in middleschool we had something in common you cheered highschool and college, when I played point in lacrosse you also played point. And now I've had this schemem to grow my hair long for locks-of-love and when I decided the date I cut it off on it was a sad attempt to be closer to you. I've tried so hard but I'm sooo afraid of your Judgements that I automatically sensor myself around you. Don't you realize as you clean my room that those notes for others saying I'm opinionated or have a great personality reflect a daughter you never see because I disagree with your politics and with your religion. We are so different and yet in a way we are the same.

I don't know how much longer i can stay your little innocent book-smart girl without upsetting you. I'm not as innocent as you think and I'm not as smart as you think either. If I had my way I wouldn't go to college for math but for photo journalism or even english. Yes those aren't my strong points but those are my passions. I only wish you knew that. I only wish you knew my poetry and were proud of that. I wish you knew your daughter and not some ghost you think is her. I only wish...but wishing isn't getting me anywhere and I needed someone to talk to about things last year and you weren't there. I've done a lot you don't know about and I know that if you knew about some of it you'd disown me too but all is well. I will forever live this lie but as long as I do it I will never be happy.

You know the one draw back to going to college so far away is that I may lose that person who helped me through all of this. But that person is NOT you.

Current Mood: crappy
x
9:09p
Dear Brother,

I waited 6 years for you to get out of jail to see you. SIX YEARS. I wrote you alot. Then when you finally get home i wait to see you and you ditch me for my 10 year old cousin.

Everytime we do something shes ALAWAYS there. Thanks for being a real brother,.. why not adopt her.

Love.. your sister.
krista
x
11:07p
...i'm fallign into memories of you..

He comes to see me

We’re outside

We chat about this and that for a few

Then it slowly grows silent

It begins to rain

Through the cool rain drops falling between us

I stare deep into his eyes to find a solace

He asks me how long I’ll stare

I say as long as it takes for you to come back

He looks into my eyes, and I see the relief

A smile grows across my face as he pulls me close

Our lips collide in a soft passion

We stand there, arms wrapped around each other in total happiness and joy

We separate ourselves and look into each other eyes

He says, “When can I see you again?”

And I say “how about now?’

He smiles and I leap into his arms

We fall to the ground and lie in the wet grass and stare at each other as if we were the only two people alive at the moment

It grows darker and we realize it’s time to part ways for the evening

Tears stroll down my face and he questions their being

I say, “I’m so happy, I don’t want this night to end”

He replies “It has to end, but there will be other nights, better than this, I promise”

I smile and kiss him for the last time of the night

And we part ways to meet again another time

 

^ a wish for a dream come true

4 ||x
11:29p
foolish.
M-
How could I let myself be so foolish, thinking that somehow being there for you would make things better? I love you unconditionally and you just kept using me and throwing me away. I never wanted to say no to you. The few times I did, I hated it. I always wanted you.

Why couldn't you just be honest? Was it because I was easy to get attention from? You slut. You wouldn't tell me to stop wasting my time, but you'd still go out and find new girls to flirt with. I told you that you were all I wanted, that you were the only one I wanted to hold close, kiss, ect. You could have said something. Sure it would have hurt, but not as much as finding out that five days since the last time you finger fucked me, you started dating someone else. (Sorry for the explicit detail, but simply saying made out with doesn't make it sound bad enough. ) I hope somewhere in this you were just as confused as screwed up as I had been, otherwise you're just a prick.

In the year that I have been trying to love you without being in our relationship, you have never once done me any good. I love you regardless, but you will never do anything like that to me again.

done,
M
x

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