I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Sunday, August 8th, 2004
Do you know, it hurts more than life itself? And I can't even talk about it in case anyone sees. It's like a big secret and people probably think it isn't even true anymore. I don't know what to do. At all.
I can't stop crying at all right now, it's so pathetic.
|I love you regardless.. You just can't do that again
I wish i could be mad. Righteously mad, and rightfully so. But I'm full of walking contradictions. I can't bring myself to yell at you, no matter how shitty it is what you pulled. I want you to be happy, but I want you to grow to dislike her. I want her to be a bitch, but I don't want her to hurt you.
This all felt so much easier before.
I don't even know what to say.
guess what i'm going to do? i am going to have u back by the end of this year. i've let u go & i'm good with everything now. i like my new way of living without u & i know damn well u like urs. but i want u to know i'm not going to get u back becuz i want to, it's just teh fucking way it is. every year, same thing. i don't think it will end this year. this just may be the last time it happens. when we get back into school together we'll start to be buddies like we ususally do, then we'll get much closer & i'll become attached like i always end up doing & then we'll be together again. it hurts me to be with u so i wish it didn't have to go down like this, but it's the inenvitable. i fucking love u so much & i know u love me....but that can fade into us just being good friends, which i would like, but us being in school seeing each other everyday is goin to push us back together cuz neither of us is strong enough to let go for good yet. we've only been broken up for what, like a month now i think & things are good for both of us. but tonite we are supposed to see each other for reasons i wont disclose, but tonite is just the very beginning of what's to come in a few months. i wana say this to ur face & hear u tell me u wont let it happen. but u'd be lying. u always let this happen. ur just as weak as me. i just hope after all that's gona happen until next june we end up being friends, and i don't ever want to lose u from my life completely. i know in my heart we could never end up together after graduation & all that shit, but i love u & want ur friendship. when we go back to school & we start our whole process over, i hope that we recognize it & stop it. i know i wouldnt be the strong one, i'm tellin u now, so i hope ur smart enough for the both of us.
and if for some reason this summer ends & we arent friends, i just want u to know i'll always love u, in one way or another...cuz u were definitly my first love. i duno what to do with all of this on my mind. and i don't care of it makes sense to anyone else, cuz u know what i'm talking about. i hope when i see u tonite, something happens. i duno what yet, but i hope something good comes of it. i don't want tonite to mess up anything with me & my monkey kid* cuz u know i like him alot and i don't want to mess up anything u may have goin on. i mean hey, if things work out for the both of us & i end up with him, and u end up with i duno, some other girl, we could be friends so easily, don't u think? i duno. i like him alot, and i love u still...i just don't want anything bad happening to us. cya tonite. lol.
carmen Current Mood: drained
you have a best friend who is a chick. i get it, i can't be the only girl in your life. i'm not the only one you run to. i don't knwo you better than her. and it pisses me off. i want
you know you better, i want you to run to me first. i want
to be number one. but i'm not. i am number 2 to you. she's more important to you it feels like. you tell me you put friends before me, and that i should too. well sorry, but i DONT. i put a select few yes, but not like you. i dont get why you know me head to toe, inside and out. and i only know what you say you tell me. which isn't much, becuase theres alot you dont tell anyone. i want to be the person you tell all of those things you cant to anyone else to. i should be so much different that you can come to me and tell me and know i wont judge you or look less of you. I DONT FUCKING GET WHY YOU CANT TELL ME THESE THINGS. i tell you ANYTHING you ask. wether it hurts or not. and yet you cannot do the same for me, i cannot know you like you know me. and that kills me that i cannot know you like i should. shes number one to you, i'm 2. but you've always been number one to me.
|the space between a blink and a tear
i hate this just to let you know. i love seeing you and that time is being taken away. i know it means a lot to you but i just wish it wasnt an everyday thing. im probably being selfish. ~sigh~
[i have 2 letters to write]
i miss you, for some reason that i cant really explain. i seem to think about you alot. and im not sure what that means. shit forget it.
~CÄ§][£ Current Mood: pessimistic