August 2nd, 2004

(no subject)

This sucks
No sleep comes
The newly told tales of you recur
They don’t go away
I fucking hate this
You don’t decide
You don’t think
Do you care?
Make something final
Don’t let this linger around
I pour hatred onto those I most love
You cause me to
You cause me to feel hate
Hate pain guilt
You tell me that I shouldn’t feel that way
You say this to save yourself the hurt
The hurt you deserve
The pain you deserve to feel
To feel more than anything
But maybe you don’t
It won’t change you
It hasn’t so far
It makes others hurt more than before
More than they should
And for that you actually do deserve the pain
All of it
Maybe it’ll get to you
Change your ways

(no subject)

to whomever it most obviously concerns...not that you will ever see this,

if forgetting me is like forgetting your name, then you must have trouble with your own name. well i have a trouble with you. i hate that you said that. manipulative and not speaking out in your own defense, playing the victim and letting us get torn apart. i hope you wake up in your own puke again and again...think of me again and again...write about me again and again and again, only to find its busy. this is a time for people leaving me apparently, you're only one more. hope you know that if there is any keeping in touch it will be up to you. in the middle of the cold store i sit down on the white floor and i feel like every crash of thunder takes another piece out of me, leaving me empty and shivering, knowing i cant hide from the pain. melodramatic, yes. but who blames me? i'm alone in a broken home and the one guy i ever dared to care for is leaving me and pretending it wasnt his choice. keep in touch...sure. i'll write you letters. but this is one of those i'll never send. i'd be able to forget you if you hadn't said, that forgetting me, would be like forgetting your name. if only...and i'd forget if i could vent, to the one girl who would understand at all...but we're seperated by half a country and long distance fees that i don't have the money to send.

<3 me
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

Built-in lust with a headphone plug.

Dear Lucas,
Am I wasting my time loving you this much?
At the moment, I can't think of anyone else in the way I think of you. I don't really know where to go next.
I still have to turn away from you when you try to kiss me. I don't want me to be the reason you'd become angry at yourself. You may not be strong when it comes to will power, but I am.
Isn't this the untimate test of that? I want you more then anything and I won't let myself have you.
That is the ultimate test.
I had a dream last night, where you kissed me and I pulled back and said, 'this isn't a good idea.'
You looked me in the eye and told me that you know what you want... so I stopped trying to keep away.
Again I woke up dissapointed and alone.
I think about you too much. I mean it.
My mind drifts away and goes over 'what ifs', 'I wish' and 'I remember'. I can't stop it. I don't want to.
I can't wait until you get back from your job. The brief time we had together from when you came home the first time wasn't enough. It made you angry that you had to go early. These things happen.

I miss you. Not just because you aren't here. But I miss you, I miss us. But that doesn't matter.

I'm whining and I love you so much.
I love you.

(no subject)

Dear Gabe,

oh wow, you've changed my summer completely, and i love it. you're such an amazing person. thank you for helping me get someone i never thought i would get over. i love you so much, you have no idea. thanks again, and i can't wait to see you. i miss you.



Dear Max,

i love you so much Max, i always have, i just never told you. but i should have. i miss you more then anything in the world. loosing you was the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with, and i'm sure everyone that knew you feels the same way. i'm so sorry i couldn't make it to your pool party, i wanted to come so badly. watch over me, Max, watch our Terra, Chelsey, Torie, everyone, keep us safe. we need you more then ever right now. i'll say it a million times, and now i'll say it again, i love you Max, so incredibly much. thank you for everything.



Dear You,

i'm over you. finally. i can't believe. it took me 2 straight years but i did it. we can still be friends. let's hang out sometime.


  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful