wow.. the past weeks have been hell for memories. Hs face becomes clearer and clearer in my mind everyday. I wake upa nd see it. I hate this. I wish i was w/ him, or at least talkign yo him. I decided that i will try to talk to him, it'll prolly hurt em more than i am now but i need to talk to hima nd say things that have never been said. who knows if it'll help. I know i have to do it. well i just really needed to state that. allright
Today was my birthday, and we were talking about it all week, but.. today you were "too busy getting tips on skateboarding" that you couldn't wish me a happy birthday? I don't mean to sound concieted or greedy, but I wished you a happy birthday on yours, and its bugging the crap outta me that your not wishing me one.
you always tell me to be happy. you tell me not to worry, things will look up. if anyone else told me those words, id blow them off and wouldn't believe them. you say them with a certain belief that makes me believe. i don't know how you do it, but you cheer me up so easily. i know we'll never be more than friends. but i cant help imagining you being here, holding me close, looking into my eyes and telling me it's okay. things couldn't work out between us, but what's the harm in dreaming? besides one lonely girl, an endless supply of tears, and one broken heart..
I am not an open person. I don't show emotion too often. At least not to a lot of people but I needed to let some things out of me a couple of months ago so I decided to write a story. It's not a fictional story. It's actually a story of a day or days I went through. I'm not a good story writer either but this is what came out and what needed to come out....
At age 24 she never thought this is what her life would be but it was her decisions so she took responsibility for them. Single mother of an almost 4 year old boy, working fulltime and struggling to go to college at night. Like every other day of the week she busted her ass to pick up her son from Daycare to beat the traffic. Everyday this mission seemed to last for hours. She could never get home soon enough. She was greeted by her son's smile and they drove home to what they thought was a regular night. She walked into her home which was silent. No television. No conversation. Neither of them were greeted as they regularly were. Her mother asked her to sit down, at this point she thought she was in trouble for something she didn't realize she had done. Then it happened. The words came out of her mothers mouth like razor blades attacking her heart repeatedly. She quickly grabbed her cell phone and keys to her car. She went running to him one last time only this time she knew she couldn't save him.
As she passed exits on the highway she began to be overwhelmed with memories of places and things she had seemed to bury deep in her soul to never resurface. She felt like she was in a movie and her life was flashing before her eyes. A part of her life she hoped would never haunt her again. She picked up the only person who could understand her feelings and pain. The only person she would let hold her hand if she needed it to be held, her best friend. It seemed like an eternity to get to where they had to be. The traffic was loud but all she could hear was herself saying "Please let me get there in time to tell him I don't hate him. Please let me get there in time so he has someone there to look at before he goes that really loves him. Please let me get there so I don't hate myself. Please let me get there so I can hold his hand one last time".
She gets there to see the people who he calls family and friends. People who are gathered around like it's just another day and nothing has happened. She greets them with her apologies, probably one of two that were sincere. Time passes by as she waits for a word on his condition. She people watches and becomes sickened with their composure, their laughter and their disrespect. Then it happened. "He passed away twenty minutes before you got here". She was twenty minutes too late. She felt like a failure. She felt like a part of her was torn from her body that she couldn't live without. She sat there is disbelief. She left there numb. She left there with disgust. She left there empty. She came home and sat in silence until tears came rolling down her face and see could no longer see. She woke up the next morning in her work uniform not knowing when she fell asleep.
Days passed by until she was faced with seeing him one last time. She fought with herself to go, she didn't know if she could handle seeing him at rest. She walked into the Funeral home and could feel the emotions running through her veins. She entered the room where his body was surrounded with white and red flowers. She couldn't stand. The tears came out like a malfunctioned sprinkler. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't breathe. She was looking at the man she tried so hard to show what love was. She was looking at the man who brought another life into this world with her. She was looking at the man who she was ashamed to say she still loved. Dead, In a casket. Asleep, peaceful as she has ever seen him. Beautiful, as handsome as she has ever seen him. He was gone. There was nothing she could do to help him now.
Months passed and every month on the 11th is a sad day. She doesn't even realize it is the 11th sometimes but her heart does. For a while every Sunday she visited his unmarked grave to yell and cry. Sing to his grave since he loved her voice. Tell him stories of his son's life. Tell him the way she really feels. All the things she wished she could have done twenty minutes before it was too late.
It's a sad day. It's gloomy and raining hard. I guess it makes me miss you more. I think of you everyday no matter how hard I try to forget so I don't have to feel the pain. I can't believe you are gone. Gone for good. It's no one's fault but your own. You were warned you knew the life you lived would get you no where except where you are today. It's almost to the 8th month mark since you left us. You left too soon. You were too young. You didn't even get to live out half of your life. You haunt me in my dreams. You haunt me in your son's face. I haven't been to your grave in months because I don't want to break down anymore. I guess I am afraid. Wherever you are we miss you and you will always be in our hearts.
You are by far the worst boyfriend that I could have ever asked for. Wow. You have not called me once or even Attempted to hang out with me. Everytime I call you your NEVER home. And when we do make plans I call and you left to go skateboarding with your friends. I want to break up with you, but I can't.
I don't mean to be dramatic, this isn't drama - this is truth: I have had at least one dream about you every night. I had a dream where I was carrying a journal that was bound with wire, and supposedly it was yours. I walked into my kitchen, and dropped the book in shock. The kitchen and dining room were covered in red and white roses - and you stood in the middle. I walked over to you, and you picked me up and carried me to the window where you told me that you wanted to be with me, no matter what we went through. And you told me how much you loved me. I woke up to an empty bed, and realized I was alone without you. Every morning I wake up tired and dissapointed. Every morning I realize that I am just dreaming. Every morning I am reminded of what you said to me, and how much you love her. Every morning I wake up alone without you.
Shopping carts will multiply.
And I remember what you said to me the other night:
"You are one of the most beautiful people that I have met. You know obviously that beauty to me is not only form but that is still included. That is why I came to you. That is why I chose you. You are so beautiful that you made me doubt eveything."
oh Jackie - November 14 was the day I met you . The day I met Pat . The day I met Chris. Thanks for saying "weymouth!" i guess. I mean, if you never said that I wouldve never met you Pat or chris. I would have two dead best friends , no knowlage of love and never would have expirienced this much pain. So thank you. Over the time period of knowing you, the thought of liking you ran through my head a thousand times. And since December, i've slowly been falling for you and you knew it. But how could it have been less obvious? But of course you were in love with Nicole. For awhile I admired that. Then the admiring turned into jelously. I mean, you werent even with her, but the love for have for her is amazing. So I wondered every day if I could ever be her. Then I took my chances with you. June 19th, I kissed you. I know you know I did it, but you can't remember the date because it wasn't important to you. But it meant the world to me. And I bet you don't know that I ran back in the house as weak as ever trembling with fear, short of breath and almost in tears, because I knew it would mean nothign to you. Do you know how much that took to do something like that feeling so hopeless? Even now I am in disbelief that I actually did it. I was afraid to even talk to , I was afraid you were going to hate me for it. As of now I haven't seen you in like a month. Just so you know, I miss you so much, I miss your green eyes and goofy smile. I miss you towering over me and your cruel short jokes. Most of all I just miss hearing your voice and seeing your face. But I'm so scared to tell you that I miss you. When are you going to come around again. I really need to see you. I've spent the last week sleepless. When I see you , I'm going to give you the best hug you'll ever recieve, and deep down inside you'll realize that I really do love you, and everything I ever said about loving you was never a lie.