I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
|Find some. Eat them. Grow strong. Fly away..... She played piano.
What should I call this? A revelation?
I feel good right now, better even.
I still hurt when I think about us - but I'm alright.
And I will be better.
And I will find someone better, if possible, then you.
I think I'm just telling myself this for now.
I need time.
Fuck you. I fucking hate what you are doing. You are fucking telling your cousin im going to hurt him. I'm starting to think you dont even fucking know me, I am not a slut for kissing Brandon. I do not cause drama...
|to you, from me
i wish that i could find some one to replace you.
the problem is, is that i've never met any one like you.
i've never even met anyone who's come close.
and it's not that i don't want you.
because i want you more than anything else in my life.
but living like this is going to tear me apart.
it already is. but i know that i can't leave you.
until i found you, other guys didnt seem all that bad.
but now that i met you.
no one else could even compare.
its like ''once you go zack you'll never go back''
and i know that its killing me inside.
but i love you way too much to let you go.
even if it eats me alive. i dont ever want to lose you.
you've got my whole life in your hands. even if you dont know it.
you have the power to break my heart. to tear my world apart.
so please don't. because if it hurts this much living with you,
i can't even befin to imagine how much it will hurt
trying to live with out you.
i dont try to think about people, friends from your past. they mean nothing to me or you now. i dislike hearing about this girl katie though. sure she had a crush on you beginning of last year, same time as i did too. she and i fell heart broken the same period of time waiting for you. monthes went by and she still seemed to be apart of your life, but suddenly she disappeared. she had her new boyfriend and left you behind bc all she wanted from you was the relationship.I know this hurt you bc when you told me, the look in your eyes said so. She only wanted to make you her boyfriend, she didnt even want to be friends. That hurts baby, and i know it does, ive been through pain like that. i understand. i dont like how this girl has suddenly come back up, talking to you and such. she hasnt been around for almost 6 monthes and now she wants to hang out? baby, you have to understand im not jealous in the least bit, but i just have to wonder why shed come back to you suddenly. she feels guilty bc she left you for so many monthes, and even though you didnt care and you managed to shrugg it off a day later, she seems to think you did care a little. i just dont want to see you hurt, and judging that shes the same girl who hurt you before, i find it odd that shed want to come back and be friends again. you've moved on and you guys probably wont ever hang out again, not like we do anyways. but it bothers me still babe, that this girls thinks she still has a place in your heart. you never dated her, you never really liked her, and she was the one with the crush on you. im not jealous babe, im just trying to protect you, but i realize now in writing this that i cant protect you forever. ill always be your best friend, but you have to make your own decisions bc i cant do that for you. i just want to protect you so bad that sometimes i feel as though im trying to make your life better to benefit my wants and needs. im sorry, my thoughts run away with me sometimes. i guess what im saying is be careful, she hurt you once, she could do it again.
ps- i <3 this community. thank god i have somewhere to rant and get my problems out. this has helped a lot! thanks! <3
| This is probably just going to be a rant. But god damn, when I go out with my friends (for example, Caroline or Sabrina or maybe even Alexandrea) I always think of my boyfriend. I can think back now four or five times that I have thought to myself, Would this make him mad? or, No, I can't go out late.. I promised him I wouldn't. What the flying fuck.
My boyfriend promises me that he won't go out, and he'll go straight home. He has to go out for like an hour, he can never just stay home. My boyfriend is so far away from that pill-taking shit ODing and all of that, but he does take some pills sometimes to keep him awake, or something. It's what ADD people (I don't mean to label them but I'm just trying to explain) take to calm them down or whatever. Last night, he had to work from 4 (I think he got there at 430) to 1130, and then he went out till 1. And he went to bed at 5:30 because that shit keeps you awake.
This morning, his mom, him and I were going shopping. And he was in a bad mood ever since he called me to tell me he was coming to pick me up. His mom was talking about how he was up earlier than he even had to be, and she was surprised that he was up. I knew something was up, so after we bought him jeans/shirts we were waiting in line and I looked at him and his pupils were humungous. (When he takes these pills they are either really really tiny, or really huge) So, I look at him in a 'I know something that you are hiding from me' type look and he goes, "Shh.." because obviously do you really want your mom to hear? No.
So, then when we were eating lunch, she said it again how surprised she was that he woke up. He called me from work, we dropped him off at 2, and he's telling me that he didn't go to sleep until 5:30, and he's like "Honestly Cammy, I didn't sleep at all." And I told him to answer me one question, Do you think of me when you take these pills? He said yes. Bullshit.
I told him to let me talk to his boss, (he gives him some of the pills, and another kid at work has ADD or whatever I don't really know the full story) because I want some. I told my boyfriend to tell him that I want 8, and that I'm going to take all of them and I hope I die.
My boyfriend doesn't realize the shit that he takes for granted.
Last time he took them, I was going over to his house that night when he got out of work and I said, do you have something to tell me? And he closed his eyes really tight (meaning he didn't want me to see his pupils) and I didn't even realize them, I wasn't even talking about that. But he promised me that he wouldn't take them again. And I said the next time that you do, I want to take some. They are really strong, so he said he'd give me half of one. I'm not planning to take them, I just want to prove a fucking point. This time around, I don't know what to do anymore.
And then, I'm like.. you going straight home after work? When he got out of the car when we were dropping him off at work, he pinky promised (not that that ever mattered anyway) that he would go straight home. And then he said, "Well I'll be home by 10. I get out of work at 9." What the fuck.
Most of the time, (like last night) him and his friend, Zach and his girlfriend, Tina, just drive around with my boyfriend. And smoke ciggeretes. (Yes, another thing that I'm making my boyfriend quit before I start school) They rode around for about an hour. Two guys and one girl. He claims I'm just insecure, because I don't like him hanging around with just them two. Okay, but when I go to pick you up at work and this kid stares at me, you get freaked all out and threatened to talk to the kid.
He says I bitch all the time, oh yea. I bitch because he smokes pot, (He really actually died down on that topic, he hasn't smoked for a week or something, when he used to live on smoking) takes pills, and doesn't stay home. I can't even remember the last time he stayed home for once. He promised me he would the other night, but he called me 15 minutes after we got off the phone to ask if he could go out. Whatever. He knew I wasn't happy about him going out, he just pretended to hear me happy and fine with it.
But really know, my question is.. Do any of you do this.... "I can think back now four or five times that I have thought to myself, Would this make him mad? or, No, I can't go out late.. I promised him I wouldn't. When you are out with your friends, and you feel like your boyfriend never thinks of that stuff? I'm afraid to say I think my boyfriends a hypocrite.
i hate how everything got screwed up. i hate how i listen to all your problems and you listen to none of mine. i hate how i try to help you so much, with every piece of me, but when i need help, its all about you. you dont say i love you anymore because i didnt say it. do u still love me? i didnt know telling you that you have to work on yourself first before you worked on us would mean you not caring as much about me or my feelings. you dont even try to keep me on the phone anymore like you used to. if i was upset you'd get me to stay and talk things through. now it seems like you dont even notice. you could always tell what was wrong, now you either dont care, or dont want to know. you ask how i am and of course i say fine. you can hear me cry or sniffle and still believe me. i hate how i cry after each time i talk to you and we hardley even talk. i hate how when i told you im not comfortable you all you said was 'oh, thats not good.' and that was it. like it was no big deal. you didnt even try to work things out. i hate after about five minutes of complete silence i say i have to go and you just say 'ok'. i hate how its just a 'goodbye' from you now and i hang up. the hardest thing for me is not talking to you. i had to take down all your pictures, it hurt to look at you. i hate that i had to take off the necklace you gave that i loved so much, beacuse i would cry if i thought about it. i hate how you looked at porn and then fantasized about your ex girlfriends. how did you think that would make me feel. i respect you for your honesty, but what did you think that would do to me? i also respect that you're getting help now with all that. its very mature of you to be going to your pastor and trying to make things right. i hate how you tell me i should talk to someone. who the hell am i supposed to talk to?! your mom asked how i was and i said ok, that i just didnt understand the ex girlfriend part of the whole thing. she just said that its because you had a relationship with them. all guys do it but you feel its wrong because you're a christian. it wouldnt matter how many times she told me that, i still wouldnt believe every guy fantasizes about their ex. they may all look at porn, but i dont believe the other part. i hate how i make myself sick over this. having to stay in bed with a migrane because of you. i still have, and probably will for awhile. i hate having to feel like i need to ignore you for my own good. it hurts so much, but you're no help anyway. i hate how i cant tell you all this because i would just break down in tears. i hate how you dont know any of this because you dont even ask whats bothering me. you told me to go back to sleep because i was sick. i told you i was only sick because of whats going on. you said 'oh.' i having you call me crying at night, what do you expect me to do? you ask how i am and i say for the first time 'not good'. and once again, there i am crying. i said 'im gonna go.' and you said 'ok'. i hate how i still love you after all this. i hate how i cry myself to sleep at night. i hate how during the say i just start crying. i hate everything thats happened and wish it was a bad dream. too bad its not that easy.
Current Mood: crushed
[its amazing how you seem to fade into the pages. like every word was spoken of you. all the words i could never say. i hope you know you are my best memory.] Current Mood: eh