I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
Dear you (yes you)
What can i say, i am very dissapointed after what you did and how you made me feel. I sleep with you behind cats back then instead of accually making an effort you brush me off like some conquest, i'm tempted to rewrite adultery for her just to see you slime you wany out of that one.
You really are pathetic, your a cheat, user, lier, sleeze etc i dont have enough spacce to write all the things i think you are here. The worst part is that i still see through you like a book you cannot lie to me. So after you walked out on us and i asked you what your problem was when, you looked me in the eye and said that you loved us both, you really wern't lying. I dont love you back, im sorry but you killed whatever harboured fantasties of romance i had for you with that night.
You will always be a friend to me, but if you touch me again i will tell her everything. Trust me when i say, you'll break her heart so i'll then be obliged to castrate you. She loves you! dont fuck her around anymore because belive me, she deserves a hell of alot better than you.
Love me Current Mood: cranky
|The steady dance of seduction.
I'm not sure what I am feeling right now.
I saw you two days ago, it was the first time I had seen you in two weeks. I still didn't know what I was feeling.
I didn't know whether I was angry, sad, frusterated, depressed...
I just felt numb, though I know I'm not.
What should I be feeling right now?
I've never been in this situation before.
I'll tell you the truth though - we have been on and off so many times that this just feels like another "off phase". Though this time, I need to realize, it's permanent.
I feel like I could seduce you, I know I could.
I have been with you, I know your buttons, I know your weakness when it comes down to it. I know my advantage.
But where would that get me? Nowhere. It would get me in your arms for one more night - but nothing else would be gained.
Just more confusion and more tears later on.
Then there is the small peice of me thats telling me to do it. The thoughts of which I'll ignore.
I love you.
I hate feeling like I am whining.
Dear Pharmacy School,
im beginning to think i'll never get over you... i think u were my first love... for so long i didnt even know you but all i knew was that my dad kept saying u were the right one for me.. and so i searched for u.. and did everything i could to get to u..but then i didnt appreciate u.. and u started to slip farther and farther away from me.. but all the while i didnt realize u werent happy with my attitude.. my performance... maybe i was just inlove with the idea of having u.. and now those days seem so far away.. if i could go back.. i would tell u... tell God how grateful i was to have u in my life..one semesester... we had a lot of good times.. somedays ur all i think about..after all u were a part of my dreams..my future. and w.o. u i feel like i cannot go on..how did it ever come to this? i thought i moved on..i have a new career and life.. but somehow im still in love with u... Love, your former college student, Indra Current Mood: depressed
thankyou for another mind-fuck from a friend. i like it when my friends do this to me.
i like you.
Dear the same person as last time,
I've finally given up. I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that. Your number is deleted out of my phone book, call log, and all of your text messages are gone as well. I know it will be better this way. Someone brought something to my attention the other day. For all I know, you might feel the same exact way I do, and you just can't show it. I'm hoping with everything in me that that is they way it is. It is that hope that keeps me from hating you. I risked all I have with Ron just to pursue something I thought could be great. Something unlike anything any other couple have. Now I have to deal with the fact that I risked it all for nothing. After that week in Orlando, your nightly phone calls stopped coming. You stopped updating your blog. You were never on-line. Never returning my e-mails. At first I was freaking out. Thinking that something was wrong... Jokes on me I guess. You stopped calling because you didn't want to anymore. I'm thinkin that the reason is b/c you weren't expecting to feel the way you do/ did. I know thats what freaked me out. I shouldn't have this strong of feelings for someone like you. Someone I can never have a real and healthy relationship with. Not with the problems you deal with everyday. I want nothing more than to be there for you, everyday. I love to listen to you talk, you amaze me. Your music is like nothing I have ever heard and I know you will get big b/c of it one day. You are my favorite person. I just wish I could be yours.
I'll be waiting for your phone call forever.
|Hit the floor, speak in tongues, follow my steps.
Dear Lucas, There are things we sort through over and over. I cover my tears and leave the room so you don't know I am sad. You said you need help being strong around me - so that is what I am doing. I know you consider it a lie, when I put up that false front. We've been through the same situation so many times that it's routine. I'll work on it. I know I need to, I know you need to know how I feel. This is how I feel, I want you. Too much. You say: "Do you want me enough to, in the moment, allow mistakes to be made?" And I tell you: "I won't let it happen, because I know you'll be angry with yourself about it. I said I would help you be strong, so I will." There's your truth, and there is my answer to my own thousand questions. I'll let nothing happen between us. I'm hurting to say that. You and I are still close, when I am in your arms I have that taste of what we used to be. And I become angry and depressed. I don't want you to regret anything. I already do.
I love you, and I know you now love me as a friend now - but thats not enough in my mind. I'll deal with it. -Amieyee