I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
|As the rose petals hit the floor, I look over to see you're not there anymore.
You're finally home. I awaited your news - attempting to supress the small bit of hope that you would be mine.
"Was it how you remembered, being with her?"
"Yes and no. She is still definately her. She hasn't changed that much, but alittle bit, a little bit more grown up. I on the other hand have changed a lot, which is a given if you know me. I love her Amy. I have you to tell you this. You need to know. There is no doubt left in me. I am going to Marry her someday."
Why did I listen to that small tiny bit of hope I had hidden deep inside. Why did I hold my breath?
Sometimes things don't change.
I found the little dipper tonight, alone.
It makes me so angry that I don't have the balls to tell you how I feel. We both know that we like each other. All we need is for one of us to mention it. Everytime I see you I just want to tell you how I feel but it's too weird. I feel so dissapointed at myself for not coming out with it. Why can't you just tell me you like me? I feel like it should be you who should come out with it. I'm tired of being the guy in this relationship. I'm always the one who invites you to places. It makes me feel like I'm forcing you to go out with me when it should be the other way around. I was surprised you were calling me every night last week. I thought you would come out with it but you didn't. Now you stopped calling and I wait by the phone hoping you'd call. I always look forward to talking to you. I love the conversations we have. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up on you. You're just too shy for me. I don't know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is tell you how I feel.
I've liked you for 4 years now. We first me in high school, freshman year. We both had the same class together. At first I just thought you were a nice guy that liked the same band that I liked, Semisonic. We didn't really talk that much that year.
The following year I had you for most of my classes. I was like wow I have that guy for a lot of my classes. hehe. We started talking more that year. I found myself feeling really happy when I talked to you. I would get so nervous around you that I couldn't even walk right. lol. Every time you came up to talk to me, I would turn bright red. I was soo shy. I remember we used to look at each other in class a lot. I would catch him looking at me and he'd look somewhere else and vice versa. I never really wanted anybody to know that I liked you because Cassie liked you at that time. I just told a few of my friends. I was so scared that she'd find out and not want to be my friend anymore b/c thats what happened with her and vanessa. I remember when you came up to me in world history and gave me a floppy that had pictures of you. Once again I turned bright red and I just put my head down. I felt so embaressed of myself. I took a camcorder to school one day and I recorded you. It was only a couple of seconds of footage but I was so happy that I had you recorded. I could watch you on my tv. lol. I feel all stalker for doing that but come on, I was 15.
Then came junior year. I was so sad that I didn't have you for any of my classes. ANY...I really wanted to change into one of your classes but I didn't. I was really jealous when I found out that nidia had you for class. That really pist me off b/c I know she liked you too. I kind of had the feeling that you liked her too so that just made me feel worse. The only communication we had was through AOL. That year sucked.
Senior year. Best year ever. Once again I didn't have you for any of my classes but I did talk to you online so that was good. Just seeing you in the halls would make my day. I would be so sad when I didn't get to see you. I found out a boy liked me so I thought I should just meet him and see how that would go. We hit it off and got together. I still had a thing for you but I thought I should just get over you b/c I thought you liked nidia anyway. Even though I was with my b/f I still had feelings for you. They weren't that strong though. You were slowly fading away. Then we broke up. I really did want to just come out with it and tell you but I just couldn't get myself to do it.
A couple of months ago your cousin told me that you like me. He told me that you always liked me and that you never wanted to get with nidia b/c of me. I felt so happy when I heard that. Since we graduated, I feel like we've become closer. We always make each other laugh. I always have a great time with you. Thats the problem though..we're never serious. We're always laughing. How could I bring it up? It's impossible! I just don't know how to do it. It's too hard. I'm scared things would feel weird between us. I really wish it could be easier for me just to tell you that i love you.
ellie Current Mood: melancholy
let's be friends.<3 Current Mood: bored
i swear i'll update today in this community
without you knowing, your eyes decieve your mind and tell me more than they probably should. they spell out "we need one another," and lets face it- we do. we can blame it on the fact that infactuation grabbed us before we ever got the chance to run. thanks to the lies sent from your tongue, "just friends" is blinking in bright pink in the back of my head. yet i'm still trying to convince myself that this time your speaking your heart, truthfully. between your eyes and your tongue, signals are becoming much too mixed & i can't seem to keep ahead... or keep up. and now i am starting to lose myself and i've already lost track of you. so really, i know nothing. i only know that i'm based around those bright blue eyes and your soft hands- on me... and how i love when you lick your lips close your eyes and lean into me. realization is this doesn't help at all. my voice is hardly audible and my knees get week. keep in mind i am young, as are my legs. they're just as new as i am to your games and cannot function fast enough. ( i'll keep this as my excuse to why i'm still here. ) darling, all i'm asking is for you to slow down your pace and start making some sense. soon i'll be too lost to continue, to lost to win..fuck Current Mood: tired
To My Dearest Starshine,
the dicussions we have are always helpful to me, helpful in the sense that i know whats going on in your head.
i realize lately i have been a little over emotional and i apologize. i tend to overreact and the thought of not seeing you for a longer period of time got me in a twist. i vow that im not going to make you feel guilty, and ill try my hardest not to overreact.
the thought of losing you even for a short period of time scares me. you've done so much for me throughout my life and sometimes i get scared at the fact that at any point and time you could find someone.
friends first has been what we've lived by for the past year, and i wouldnt have it any other way. you are my best friend and the onyl one that i know i can go to for anything. its hard for me to think of you with another girl, and to think that our time together will be split apart. its hard bc i want to spend my life with you, and seeing you with another person will be one of the hardest things for me to swallow.
you broke my heart before, that was the toughest thing for me to deal with bc in that moment i realized that even though you're with me, it was that easy to lose you.
you told me that if you do find someone, you'll be afraid to tell me. that hurt me more than anything bc you should never be afraid to tell me anything. you said that you didnt want to hurt me and didnt want me to go into a deep depression or something. to be honest, its gonna hurt no matter what, and i probably will cry for you, but itll only hurt me more if you dont tell me. i cant imagine you hiding something from me, and i just couldnt live with the fact that you'd be dating behind my back, only to protect me. i can handle the truth, i have dealt with it so many times before.
ive been thinking about what you said all day, about how your friends even noticed. i did overreact, i wasnt trying to pull you away from reality and the guys but i just felt threatened and crushed that you could possibly leave me for a long period of time. i know ill see you sooner than i know, so i cant hold you back from anything. do the guy thing, chill out with them for a while, the entire time ill only be thinking of you.
some may call us friends with benefits but i feel we're so close thats it would do us an injustice to say that. sex does change the relationship,i hear what you're saying and i believe you. i just want so bad for my first time to be with someone i love and care for deeply. i wouldnt be pushing for it, if i was afraid and i wouldn't continue to give you what you want if i didnt want to do this. i love you and no matter what happens to us sexually im always going to love you. you're afraid, and i understand that, im gonna wait for you, even if it does take you a long time. i just want so bad to be with you, to feel you, and to know that this moment ill never forget for the rest of my life. you always remember your first time you have sex no matter who it was with or why, and i know that if i want to look back in 20yrs, id want to say thati had sex my 1st time with my best friend, and someone i was in love with. i know that you're afraid and that you might not feel the same as me. thats ok. "we'll see what happens," isnt an answer to me, and it baffles me now. do you want to continue or no babe? i have no problem cuting out the sexual play bc your friendship means more to me than the entire world.i personally would love to continue bc you make me feel so good and it just feels so right when im with you.
sometimes i just need something from you to let me know you care. the note you wrote for me sits beside me always and to this day i cant read it without crying. once in a while babe, im just looking for a kiss, a flower from a garden, a note filled with love just to let me know that everything ive done for you, im not just doing it without you loving me. im not materialistic in any way, you know that, but i just want to know you care. remember that ring i boughtfor you? well babe it wasnt a huge amount of money, but at the time that i got it, i didnt have the money. i scraped together 2 paychecks from the week before for which i was only paid a lite some of money bc of lack of work. i made sure your ring was my top priority and i was so happy when i was able to get it. 2 weeks later my bank called me and said that i could possibly have had a bounced check bc of the phone bill i had sent in. i back tracked a little and realised that i had $2 in my account now and i wopuldnt have want it any other way bc i wanted so bad to make sure that you knew what you mean to me. even if it meant losing all my money in the process.
i was completely lost and somehow through the year you managed to help me find myself again, and become the person that i truly am inside. you've given me back my hope and my trust in others, and for this i cant thank you enough. i miss you everyday you're gone, and my heart jumps everytime i see you again. i cant spend the rest of my life without you, i know i cant. you've been my best friend through everything and you've seen more tears from me than anyone i know. when im alone with you, everything seems to disappear, the pain, the worry, the doubt, all i know is you and all i want is you. you make me feel that im the onyl thing in your world that matters. you make me feel beautiful and loved, and i wouldnt want that feeling to ever leave me. my heart is restored again and my smile is now fixed. ill always love you as my best friend, no matter what happens to the two of us. ill always look to you for everything. you are the only person ive ever met in this world who has loved me and cared for me this way and i thank god everyday that i have you with me.
thank you for leaving such a huge empact on my life. ill never forget all you've done for me. i feel as though ive been touched my an angel and you, my star, you are my angel to forever watch over me.
I'll Love You My Whole Life Baby
Thank you again
Love Always and Forever,
Your Sunshine, Your Baby Forever I Swear
"i meant everyword i said when i said that i love you i meant that i love you forever, and im gonna keep on loving you cuz its the only thing i wanna do, i dont wanna sleep i just wanna keep on loving you."
Hiya. I'm new to the community. I'm glad I found somewhere to vent. Whoever thought this up is a genius! :) Anywho. Let me get to this letter going..
It's been 3 weeks now sice the last time we had a real conversation, and I can't help but want to give up. I know daily phone calls can't be healthy for this kind of friendship. In the past we would get together every once in a while and then not call eachother for a few months. But then the week you were home for the fourth I think we spent entirely too much time together... because you became interesting to me. You are unlike anyone I know. Something just draws me to you. Don't try to understand me, your hands already know too much anyway. I just wish we were on the same page. Send me anything but signals that are mixed... I get enough of those. Please know my heart is in your hands. Its nothing that I understand but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle, though your hands are in my hair, my heart is in your teeth. It is beginning to hurt. You are on my mind all the time. I miss your phone calls. I miss your lj entries about how you hate everyone. I miss you sharing your music with me. I miss being friends. I know what happened might have changed our friendship forever... But I can't NOT be your friend. You were the best one I had. Current Mood: crushed
last night when you called i finally got to tell you everything that had been building up inside me for months, i remember i planned exactly what i would say to you, but as soon as i heard your voive on the other end, i froze and forgot everything i had planned out. but then i realized that i didnt need it, and i told you everything. i told you about all the time i thought about you, all the times you made me sad/mad/happy and you told me the same things. you told me you loved me and that you were so sorry for ever making me feel bad. and i wish that it would have been you sitting in front of me rather than being on the phone, cause then i could have hugged you when you started to cry, and you could have held my hand like you always do when im sad. i love you too.
cassie Current Mood: happy
To my moms,
You guys are scaring the crap out of me and si...drinking every single night until you cant drink anymore....you coming home loud as hell,getting my dad to drink when you know well he is too sick to drink. I cant stand what you guys are doing to yourselves. Mom did you notice on friday i was freaking crying from when you got home til when you went to bed...you really freakin upset me and youu couldnt even notice i was upstairs crying to my brother...i never go to him crying.... i hope that shows you something and monica si ims me and says she is real close to crying because you were really embrassing last night we u n steve went to dinner..its your birthday very understandable but please be careful for ahead of time because i dont want you to get hurt or anything...Sorry mom and monica im just freaking worried for you guys soo please stop! i love you with all my heart
Kate Current Mood: crappy
You say we are best friends and you would never want to lose me but i cant help feeling that you hate me. i dont know but it just seems like you always want to get rid of me and you never want to do anything with me. we used to hang out like everyday last summer and now i barely see you. we used to be sisters best friends for life but now we are just good friends and i know that is so much better than nothing but i hate how we have grown apart and i know lately we have become closer than this year but we will never be as close as we used to be and i wish with all my heart that we did become as close. We have been through so much and i have so many memories but i still think you are holding back on so much more with me. and i know that you would easily tell the other everything. i know you like her better i know you care for her more andi know i am being selfish when i tell you i hate you liking her more but it is how i feel i wish i could tell you how i feel- tellyou how much it hurts to be replaced by another but then you would deny the whole thing or say we are equal and i want me to mean so much more to you than anyone else does. i am sorry for my selfish thought but sometimes i wish we could be like we used to be- i never want to lose you and sometimes i am so scared i cant sleep- sometimes i think you will just forget me for your other friends- because i know you like them so much more. but then sometimes i know that i cant keep you from not wanting me. i just wish you could tell me the truth about us instead of feeling the need to say you care for me more than you actually do. Current Mood: envious
Even if I tried this letter wouldn't be nearly formal enough So I won't try. Not anymore
the other day, sunday to be exact you told me that you didn't love me. It took about 15 seconds for tears to be shed and about one more to wipe them away. I tried to fight back, tried to explain, tried to make you seem to be my mother but the more I tried the angerier I got. And that didn't help. So I stopped fighting, stopped trying, and gave in. Gave in to the fact that my own mother had just said she didn't love me. I went out and although I was in a generally bad mood I called dad. I told him I wanted to be back down there and I told him I loved him, he replied the same as always and said "behave I love you too." Next call was to Megan. The sister you disowned. I called her and told her what you said and although we hadn't gotten along just four days before she told me that anytime I needed it I could stay with her. And when I said I had to go she said " okay I'll talk to you later love ya."
I went out and had a great time with a person who although they don't love me they don't hurt me like you did. I came home to see my step-dad out in the living room waiting for me. I walked in and my heart sank. You weren't there. You weren't waiting to apologize for what you had done. So I went to bed and pondered what you had said. You said you didn't love me and with out knowing it you played into all of my insecurities. I bet you didn't know that I've built all of these walls around my heart because I'm scared of losing someone I love or having them stop loving me. So I'm laying there in bed and mr.keys words pop into my head. "don't let the sun set on anger, don't let a door close without letting someone you love know that, it might never have a chance to be said." and I thought about that. Many doors had closed since you spoke those words. Many moments had past and it all could have been the last. I wondered if you had ever been given that advice and if you just ignored it. I layed in bed and cried for you. For you to know that no matter what I would love you and that even if we never spoke again I would still love you. So a whole day passed and we didn't speak and you didn't say a word.
And then another day began. You barged in my room and began this half-hearted apology that was a load of crap. Basically blaming me for the things that have come out of your mouth. You claim the words were spoken out of anger and that you were sorry. You claimed that you were sure that sometime in my life i had said something out of anger that i latter regreted. I hate to say it but I never have said something like that. I have never said something so harsh or close to that and not gone back and apologize moments later. You told your second child, your youngest daughter that you didn't love her and why? because I went away and escaped this hell whole for a weekend and you didn't get to. because you were upset that I would rather go out with a friend then hang around the house hearing you and jud fight. I waited for the apology and when it came all I could do is block it out. You planted that seed in my head and no matter how hard you try it will always be there. You claim you didn't kick megan out but you did. I know how she felt. I know why she ran away to tennessee and believe me I very much never wanted to come home sunday night. But admit it.
You need me. You need me to watch your son while you go off and work tomorrow and friday. You claim I could go live with dad. Well I couldn't because you need me in this house. Do you remember that night when I dialed 911 for you, when I pulled your husband away from you and stopped him from holding that pillow a second longer. Do you remember all the fights I've overheard and you've forgotten. Do you know all the times my heart has raced because suddenly there was silence and I thought maybe he had killed you or you had hurt him. Do you know all of the nights that I have laid awake too terrified to go to sleep only to stay up all night and go to school the next day. Do you know those times.
You don't. You couldn't because even though you are older then me I've tried to be unselfish and help you. But god, I forgot to say thank you once, ONCE and you get pissed. I thank you every night for dinner everyday I eat the breakfeast you make even if I don't like it. i thanked you for the car rides to lacrosse or for driving me to school. But god I forgot to say thank you once and you go off. I highly doubt other kids say thank you to their parents as much as I say thanks to you. I do it all the time and I never get a your welcome back. But I haven't stormed in and said that I don't love you. I haven't been that cruel to you.
So tonight when you handed me a dinner that makes me physically ill I started to say thank you and stopped. ( another meal compiled mostly of dairy even when I've been lactose-intolernet since I was born) Since you think I'm so ungrateful so unlovable I figured why say it. Now you can get a taste of how most kids are. Maybe you'll realize that one forgotten thank you wasn't the end of the world. But mother you did this. You ended it. You planted the seed in my mind that you didn't love me and you will pay for it. I will be at dad's every chance i get. I will break curfew and not give you a reason. I will not call when late. I won't say thank you or please. I won't be kind, I won't start unnecceassary conversations with you. i won't help you with justin I won't stop the fighting. I will become that unloveable daughter who is waiting to run.
And one day mom when you think everything is going well between us. I'll leave and that will be it. You are my mother and I can't take that away but I can take the benefits of having a daughter away from you. All those nights that I've contemplated life and death you haven't known about. All those times I lied and said I was fine you didn't know. You didn't know that by saying you didn't love me you just confirmed everything I've ever thought. Sometimes it takes more then one unloving apology to make a person forgive and forget.
One day mother you will realize that you were wrong. And I fear that it will be too late to take it back. You've made me cry too many times I can't cry for you anymore. It's become harder and harder to believe you. One day you might realize you were wrong and realize that you've now lost two daughters to a void. Megan filled the void you created with friends, alcohol, and drugs. I guess the perfect daughter you thought you had just gave up. I'm not megan, yet I am not your nice little girl. Forget it mom. you started this and now I'm ending it. I won't.
One last thought. DId you know it took every ounce of my self control not to add another scar to the one's on my wrist. oh wait. You couldn't have known that.
I don't know why you keep hurting me. I don't know why I keep LETTING you hurt me. All I've been trying to do is repair our relationship, to give us just one more shot at being happy with each other. But you keep pushing me away. I tell you I'm scared of getting a back brace, you make a joke about it. I tell you I want to be with you on our 5 month anniversary, so you make plans.
So you know what? I'm taking your fucking bait and breaking up with you. I'm done trying when you don't even want to. Fuck, I even found someone who would treat me better than you, who obviously cares more about me than you do, and I STILL decided to try one last time with you. I still remembered, and still remember, all the good times we had, when you called me beautiful, when you told me I was the only girl you wanted. But all of the good memories we have can't make me stay with you any longer. You can't make up with everything you've done to me by saying "Sorry" if you happen to call tomorrow to, heaven forbid, wish me happy 5 months. Fuck you. I hope you learn something from this and learn that girls don't put up with as much shit as you think, that we do have limits, and you can't just treat people how you want.
Have a wonderful fucking life.
To myself, and whoever would like to listen:
Sometimes I wish I could be someone else. I wish I did things differently, said things differently, acted differently, looked differently, even thought differently. I know that would mean I would no longer be myself, but I am not always confident I am myself anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I were someone else if I'd have more friends, or just better friends. I do love some of my friends dearly, but others I wish I could be closer to. I also wonder if others would take me more seriously. I feel, quite often, like I am the punch-line of someone else's comedy or the subject of some quiet criticism. I don't like that. I don't like many things. I don't like having to pretend that I don't notice it. Sometimes I feel like I am just a joke, that one day things will turn around and I will be someone I dream to be, but for now I am just a joke. I know I am the only person who change change ME but even when I try I can't even accomplish that. I don't like feeling how I do now. Stuck. I feel stuck. I feel like I could contribute so much to so many things and people, but nobody will let me. Like I said...nobody seems to take me seriously.
Since I know I cannot be someone else, I guess for now I will just look forward to the future and hope it will bring the change I am looking for.
|it's time to face reality
i don't think you'll ever see anything you do to me. i try to explain myself but in the meanwhile of doing so you get mad. i'm not a good explainer... it's hard for me to tell how i feel. you dont get why i can help you in so many ways, make you happier, better. i can't help that i'm thick-headed. that i'm stubborn and that everytime you say something good i argue it. i analyze everything. it's hard for me to understand how i feel. my heart is saying you're different and better and perfect. but my brain is just telling me it's another repeat of a past heartache. some like to say you're using me. we're not real. 3 months together is nothing. but then why do i love you like i do? and yet, you don't feel the same way. it kills me you don't love me back. i say it, and you smile, but you don't get it. for once i just want someone to love me like i love them. we get in petty arguements... and you get over them in a flash. it makes you feel stronger for me afterwards. i love that, honnestly i do. i just cant describe to you how badly it hurts that you don't love me. not as bad as i'm making it out to sound, but the truth be told..... i wouldn't mind spending a very, very long time with you by my side. Current Mood: crappy