July 20th, 2004

Masuimi Max www.vivaspinups.com

(no subject)

You Are My Sunshine

I know people get to be busy, that vacations happen, and that you're not usually one to call people. But I can't help feeling that since you didn't call me during your few days at home -and only told me you were leaving again when I messaged you about hanging out the night before- you must not have wanted to deal with me. Granted, I was PMSing those days and it probably helped to warp my perspective on the situation a bit. I don't usually find myself to be entirely rational during those times. But I would have liked to feel like you made some effort to get ahold of me.

My Only Sunshine

To call and let me know what's up, how the trip went, etc. would have been a great thing. I went on a trip too. We could have had an awesome story telling day, or planned for one at least. To not have any you-initiated communication stings because I have doubts about the situation between us and not hearing from you only strengthens them.

You Make Me Happy When Skies Are Grey

I know neither one of us wants to be in a serious relationship with long distance phone calls and plans for the future, but to some effect I think we have less of a choice about being in love than we've been trying to create for the past year. I don't want to get married, but I don't want to live without you unless/until I have to. There has never been any cause for us being apart than our own brains shouting at us "THIS IS TOO MUCH, TOO STRONG! GET OUT BEFORE YOU LOOSE INDEPENDENCE!"

You'll Never Know, Dear, How Much I Love You

We tried listening to our brains. I failed miserably, only to be dragged by my heart back to you time and time again. But this time, I'm hoping my head is strong enough to hold me back. I gained a considerable amount of self-confidence from my time with you that made it so I could take on any task I wanted to. With you around I tried a plethora of new activities, most useful in one way or another. Yet on my own I focused in on doing the things I really loved and meeting the people I found intriguing. Every change is for a purpose and I've appreciated this one, but I'm tired of fighting off feelings, the wanting to have you near.

Please, Don't Take My Sunshine Away

I can be find without you. I can function. If given enough time, eventually I know I will move on. But in the back of my mind I'm sure there will always be this neurological portrait of you that I stand every new man in my life next to, to see how they measure up to you the 17 year-old who had such a huge impact on my life. So if you do want us to be over completely, fine, I'll respect that. I just want to thank you for being my first Mr. Wonderful.


Everytime I'm falling down, all alone I fall to pieces...

To the love of my life,

Everyone knew that I was in love with you for 5 years before we started dating this year. That is a long time. Through out this last year I was battling with so much shit in my life all leading up to my attempt to take my life. Since we've been together there has been an obvious change about me. You make me happy. Not that happy you feel for a few hours or days, but that sticking happy, smile for no reason out of nowhere happy..the kind of happy that makes you cry. I didn't think we would ever be together. It had been so long and I had just given up hope on us. But I'm glad you suprised me. It's the best thing - you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I really do want to spend my life with you, but even if we don't work out I would like to thank you for the huge improvements you have made in my life...I will always be in debt to you for that. I love you so purely, so honestly that these mere words fall as short in describing how I feel as a mortal being does reaching for that first star at night fall. You are more amazing then I could have ever imagined. I love just being with you. Knowing that you love me and that you are thinking about me. Sometimes when you look at me I could just melt...that's why sometimes I cry. Your kisses, to this day, still take my breath away.
Never stop loving me please. I need you.

I love you Aaron.

(no subject)

Dear Boy I Just Can't Seem To Find,

i know you're out there somewhere, so would you stop driving me crazy and show yourself already? i don't know if your eyes are hazel, or brown, or green, or even blue - but i know they are the most gorgeous eyes ive ever seen, and when i stare into them i want to melt. and i know you're tall, and have long hair that brushes right into those eyes of yours. and even with the hair infront of them, they still shine through, and they blind me as i brush your hair out of them. but they are still so hypnotic...

you're the only one i can be myself infront of and not feel stupid or childish. i can laugh with you for hours, and you have the sweetest laugh ever. i can hear it echo in my ears a million miles away. i always have fun with you, and i love playing these little games with you - wrestling on the floor, food fights, even video games - they make me want to freeze time and soak up every amount of energy between us. because thats what i love about us - we have so much fire. we can joke around, and be wild... but at the end of the day, we can come home and relax with a movie infront of a fire and cuddle.

cuddling. what you're best at. and what i love the most. i feel so safe in your arms, and when im wrapped in them there's no other place in the entire world id rather be than in your arms, staring into those eyes - those gorgeous eyes. and everyday i live for your voice, for you telling me how much i mean to you, and how much fun we have together. and hearing your voice sing me to sleep.

so boy, where are you? i know you're out there somewhere, and it's driving me insane. so would you be so kind as to put my waiting to an end? a girl can go crazy waiting for a guy like you to come around...


*sighs* i wish i could find someone like that...

(no subject)

you stepped on my heart
like a paper on fire
the passion bled from my fingertips
as i held them to yours
for one last time
you said this was goodbye
and i told you it was just the begining
you touched my blood stained lips
with your contageous kiss
and sucked my last breath away
right after i whispered the words
"i still love you "

oh how I love you, you only know the smallest parts. But I'd give my life for you. I'd give up everything I have up just to be in your arms for one night. But you'll never give me a chance. And forever I'll be hopelessly in love
- Carly
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(no subject)

Dear Caitlin and Mike,

i am sorry...but i cannot deal with your newfound status as boyfriend and girlfriend.
i mean, your realtionship is my baby. I created it. you two would NOT be together without ME. I helped you. I was your confidantes. I was the only one you could both talk to. and now?
remember when i had to coach you two on EVERYTHING? i dedicated ALL of MY time on you two........NONE whatsoever on myslef. NONE on solving MY love problems. and guess what? you two didnt either. I had to do it on my own. ALL on my goddamned own.
remember when we used to talk for hours on the phone? just us 3? all of us..BEST FRIENDS??? now you dont need me beacuse you have each other. i hate to tell you...but you two are ALL I have...i DONT have someone to love...i am ALONE...
and now i'm crying because i hate what i've done...and i ahte what i'm saying. you two are happy rite? that how i made it. but did i create a monster? i'm probably just jealous but seriously....i miss you two...SO MUCH its unbelievable.
just..dont forget me. because all i ahve is love for you....and now all your love is taken up by each other so i am left with nothing.
God, give me hope.

LOve, nathalie

(no subject)

every time you tap me on the shoulder, grin and walk away...

i know you think its platonic.

but the time i had the breakdown, and you got me to breathe deeply and you enfolded me in your arms when you didn't even know me...

i hope you also didn't know

that i never wanted to let go.
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