July 18th, 2004


please listen.

dear you,

you've changed so much over the last month. it's like you're a completely different person. or maybe this is just a side of you i never knew?

you make me feel sick, and i hate it. it's really my own fault. it just pisses me off that everything just keeps falling into your lap, that life is so easy on you while i'm over here falling apart and you don't see it. not that i make it obvious. not that i want to. fuck, i don't know. it's just so fucked up that your just got your first job and you're getting ten fucking dollars an hour to sit around and do nothing, clean occassionally or something. you've earned two hundred dollars in two days, whereas if i were to go out and get a job i'd get shitty minimum wage and struggle to survive. where you're here sitting back and letting everyone shower you with everything you want.

i don't understand why people seem to feel so obligated to serve you. you do jack shit for your sister on her birthday and she gives you slc punk on your birthday. what kind of shit is that? why can't people resist serving you? i only did it because i was desperate to hold onto you. because you were the only friend i had. and you took advantage of me, and i still love you. i give you the royal treatment and im the shit on your shoes. scrape me off and leave me behind.

when i talk to you, there's nothing anymore. we aren't friends anymore, and you should be able to see it. that we just kind of associate. remember when we had fun together? talked for hours on end? i realize you have other friends, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun like we used to.

maybe things would be different if i were allowed out of this fucking house. maybe things would be better. but that's not the case and there's nothing i can do about it.

why is life so grand for you?
i'm fucking withering. my parents are in the middle of a divorce and i'll have to stay with my mindfucked mother who lies to her children about changing to help her family. they won't let me stay with dad, you know, because he works late and the judge doesn't like that. and my sisters will be gone at college, so i'll be alone with her, and she'll be drunk all day long. things are a mess. i have to start going to therapy on thursday. i have nobody to talk to. to confide in. i love you and i miss you.

if i did something to lose you, i'd like to know what it is, because i'll do anything to have your lying, cheating heart back.


haha.. i love coheed and cambria. i feel a little better. this is such a catchy, upbeat song, and the lyrics are "what did i do to deserve pain?"
  • Current Music
    coheed and cambria

To You

To You, my love.

I can imagine your face. I've run my fingers along it so many times so I could remember your features.
I always thought you would make a beautiful painting, but I have never had the courage to try. I was afraid that I wouldn't beable to do your beauty justice.
I miss you. I miss feeling safe in your arms.
I knew this would happen all along, I knew I would feel this way. But still I let my feelings, and yours grow.
Now I hate to be the one that is causing you to question your already planned out future. I didn't know that the feelings would become this strong for you or myself.
Especially for myself. It surprises me really - that I can love you.
I really didn't think I was capable of it, because I can be so pessimistic and stubborn. You changed that for me.
For that I would like to thank you.
I still wish that you would be with me. In a week, I'll know for certain what you want. I think I know the answer, and I don't think I'll come out on top of this one.
"Hey Amy."
"I love you. And I will always be yours."
You will always be my best friend, that's all I am certain of.
I hurt so much sometimes that it makes me sick with myself. Normally I have control over this. But as you once told me, 'numbness is not strength.' I was numb before I met you. You caused me to feel and to grow in more ways then I had thought I could.
I owe this all to you, my best friend, and lover.
You gave so much to me. When I think of you, time stands still.
So I am going to give something to you, my trust that you'll choose what is right for you. My own happiness is something I have to deal with. If you stay with her, I won't be happy, but I will make myself be okay.
Just remember always, that I love you.
You are my best friend and though our love may have to change, love will always be there.

As you said, "Secret love is good, but loud love is better."

Then i see you

To you,

i find it crazy how this song reflects exactly how i feel about you..no other words are needed

 The Beach Boys - "Wouldnt It Be Nice"

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby


<3 always



  • Current Music
    The Mars Volta x Televators

- Don't know what I'm still doing here

Pieces of me fall through these strings,
More faster than the one before
I become silent.
I don't remember the breaking point
of this shadowed sketch of my former self,
My lines are getting so dim and faded,
less detailed and more a mess than the moment before.
I use to call it beauty..
now all I see is weakness.
Just take my away into this ocean
of you.

More tightly we're woven
the more disgusted I get
I can't escape this feeling of lifelong regret.
I know it's not right but I thought you were the one
I was going to let you harvest my oven with your bun.
Why do you even bother making promise you don't mean
Just be straight up, please just come clean.
What are you doing on my long, late
lonely nights?
This is a fight I'm scared to fight.

You're always sick on the weekends
your nan always on your back
you have to fix this, find this, fetch this, or do that.
So instead of saying you are sorry
I end up becoming the sap.
My room now filled with candles
lotions and soft music
I watch the time tick by slowly
I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

I'm always the one to make up with love
So I'm here to say with a push from above
I'm nobody's door mat, tool, chew toy, or shit
You do this again
and I wont forget it.

first post in here.........

to the fish monkey kid. haha...

i say i hate you all the time. you know it's not true.
you make me feel like i'm going crazy when i'm with you. but in a good way.
i love being with you just because ur fun to be around, even when you're actin like a penis.
i don't know what to say when you say i'm pretty. i'm not used to compliments.
i don't trust people easily, so it's hard for me to believe stuff like that. especially from someone i like so much.
i'm sorry when i act like an ass around you for no apparent reason.
we've been friends for a while, so i'm used to this yet.
you make me so happy, but at times i wish i didn't like you so much.
i don't want to get hurt again. and most of all i don't want to hurt you.

  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy