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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Friday, July 16th, 2004

Time Event
12:45p
~sigh~
dear luke,
i couldn't begin to tell you how much i care for you in some stupid little paragraph. i don't think theres enough paper in the world nor enough time. so i'm not going to attempt it. i love you so much. thank you for saving me.

i'm not sure if your even going to see this... probably not but it will make me feel better to have at least get it out. i was a little bit worried about you joining Dying With Honor... im worried i wont see you as much becasue of all the band practices. that kinda sucks. and for some reason it seems like you dont want me to go to any of the practices, which is cool because i wouldnt want you to be distracted or anything.~sigh~ oh well maybe im just being selfish. well i love you so much.(if you even read this)

~Cħ][£

Current Mood: tired
2 ||x
5:12p
First post here - hello everyone
Dear you,

I am loyal, but not dependable. It makes sense when you think about it, really. I’ll always love you and I’ll always care about you, but you can’t ever expect me to be there. So don’t. Letting people down and disappointing others is the worst thing in the world. I can’t help it. Well, actually, I can, but you can never know that. I’ll always be the first one to leave. You’ll never beat me to it. You say it’s leave or be left, but I’m fairly confident I’ll be the first one leaving again. It’s inevitable. You left now, but you’re coming back. Do you enjoy defeating your purpose just like I enjoy being a living oxymoron? I hope you do, because you need to enjoy something, what with me being your closest confidant and being as undependable as I am. That must kill you. I wonder if anything will ever hurt me as much as I hurt you. I hope not. I’m working on stopping that. Because like I said, I do care about you, you just can’t ever depend on me for anything. I hope you realize this sooner rather than later. I hope you leave me all alone, miserable and broken hearted, because I deserve it after everything I managed to put you through. I hope it doesn’t effect you long term. If it does, I want you to hurt me more than the amount I hurt you. I hope you find someone who will treat you better; I hope they can make up for everything I did wrong. I hope after everything is healed and you’re happy like you should be, I hope then you can forgive me. I hope it keeps on raining like this because when it does, it’s easy to forget how alone you are. I hope you had and have fun without me. I hope that this time, I’m forgettable. I’ll still love you, don’t overlook that. I’m just making sure that you know that you can never, ever depend on me.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Current Mood: lonely
2 ||x
7:22p
I don't know how to express my feelings into simple words, and I've tried getting through to you with my this gibberish coming from my mouth, but I don't ever think you'd come to understand how much I do truely love you.
I never told you how much I cared about you, from the beginning. & when I did, it was an honest mistake. If I never told you how much I liked you there wouldn't be so much heartbreak and confusion. I really only started being your friend this year, and you actually came to me with your issues and you trusted me, and I thought you respected me. After seeing you go through 3 girls who were completely unfaithful and players, you finally realized how much I do truely love you.
Well. Thats what you said.
You knew I was different from other girls, and wouldn't give myself up within one week. You told me you would wait for me. but you didn't. You broke up with me, because I was different. I spent 2 years thinking about you, and after one week, it shattered.
When you went off that day with my best friend on a school sport, I didn't think anything of it. I knew you guys dated like 4 years ago, and there was nothing left, I just don't get why it took you 1 day to notice her fake make-uped face. & 2 years to notice how good I could be to you. You liked her more right? You did ask her to grad, and made out with her infront of me.
But oh know, you wouldn't date her because you had to choose between me and her, and being the bitch that she was, she didn't care about our friendship. & you didn't care about breaking it up.
Meanwhile, on saturday night her and I were talking on MSN, and you log on, and tell me you got drunk and fucked a pregnant chick. How in gods name could you do that? yeah, she was only a one night stand, sure whatever.
I still don't know why, and I'm still in denial. & after all that I STILL love you.
But you picked me. After I told you not to.
I told you I was giving up on you, I told you that all I wanted was for you and her to be happy.
Why didn't you listen?
Now that you picked me, I'm still not ready to give myself to you, though you want me to. You have lists of girls waiting for you, and you still hold onto me. I held onto you for 2 years, and just when I let go, you won't let me go. I want to go. I want to be free. I want to breathe without thinking about you. I want to get on with my day, instead of worrying about how your fucking up at that very moment.
I want to be respected, and honest. But I can't turn to you for anything, but you can always turn to me. It was a mistake to ever tell you I liked you, and it would've been better if we were only friends.
But now I'm so far into this hole and I can't get out. I'm caged. & I want you to let me go. I'm not sure how much more depression and heart break I can take. Now everything you do that would hurt me, I'm expecting it. It's like I'm in 24/7 depression and paranoia because you don't that you've hurt me, and probley will hurt me, in so many ways.

I turned to music for everything, I spilt my heart out to you but you still don't understand me. You still don't respect me. How can I love someone who doesn't respect me? it doesn't make any sence. You're putting me through so much, and even by writing this I have a feeling theres so much that I feel that you'll never know because I don't know what it is, but its still weighing down my shoulders.
The problem is, I can't give you up. You're apart of my life. You're half of my heart. You're all I think about. You're all I love... and all I hate.

After everything you've done to me, I don't know what to do about anything anymore, my feelings are always mixed up and mysterious. You're always blaming me for things, when you good as hell know it's your fault too. I don't know how I can make you understand, it's like when you're with other girls, you don't seem to think I notice what you're like, you don't think about me, or how I'm going to react.
You can get jealous over all the guys who've liked/like me but you know I'd NEVER EVER go with them.
But you and I both know, that you'd leave me in a split second if anyone of those girls who've lined up to be with you, offered you sex or a blowjob or anything, that you'd forget about me.

Out of our love, and our friendship.. I only ask for one thing..

I want you to let me go.

-----------------------------------------
I think I really needed to get that out, though I'll never show him this. It was a great way to say how I feel. Thanks.
2 ||x
8:07p
Why dont you even say hi? If your gonna be like that then tell me to my fucking face! Write it in a journal so everyone can see but you cant tell me to my face. I hate that about you, infact i think now i hate you. I dont want to talk to you anymore so just keep ignoring me so i can kepp ignoring you. And if one day you get the guts to tell this shit to my face I wont be listening. I just dont understand you tell everyone what the fuck ur feeling but you cant talk to me, and i know exactly why. It cuz that girl you have moved on to, well i'm glad you moved on but jesh you wouldnt even talk to me. I cant explain to you how mad i am, dont talk to me im done with you. I guess i learned you can never be friends with someone you used to date even tho you were for hmm how many months and no just all of a sudden. Well kenny your so wrong he isnt "special for me" hes just like them all and to think i believed him.

Current Mood: pissed off
x
11:19p
eric-
yeah i know i was a bitch to you on the phone today. im just mad because every time i call you, you're online. its so annoying. its ruining our friendship. i hate it, youre addicted .

another thing too...i dont mention jon intentionaly if thats what you think. i forget that your over sensitive about him. get over it. i hate how you think your life is so horrible because "jon lives sooo far away" and how it can work out for wade but not for you. jon is in love with a strait boy, so thats why he said "lets just be friends"

im also bitchy because you are never there for me any more. its like you dont even care. you were there when i needed you at first, then you just disapeared. i know you dont like to give me hugs, but i wish you wouldnt think of yourself. when you give me hugs it makes me feel better. you may not need them but i do. i wish you werent so selfish at times.
</3 me

Current Mood: depressed
x

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