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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004

Time Event
2:29a
Please ignore the lisp, I never meant to sound like this...
----Dear self,
You have changed so much through out this year. The first half bad, the second half good. You have experienced things you always wanted to, but now you know that they aren't for you. You ditched friends that were always by your side, but made new ones that have made you stronger than ever. Now as the time is approaching your 17th birthday there are just a few things I had to tell you.
You've always had a problem with having a lack of self esteem and you have always doubted your abilities. This year you've made a huge improvement in this area. You are no longer afraid to be yourself, though, this year you have battled immensely trying to figure out who you are. You can now say with confidence that you aren't ashamed of the person you have grown into. You are comfortable in your own skin.
However, it took quite a few bad decisions and close calls to get here. You tried some things that most people try and saw they weren't for you (not drugs though...you know that those aren't for you without having to try them), and you paid the price for those mistakes. You have a wonderful guy in your life. You lost him three times before, but this time it's forever. The consequences to your bad actions was losing him. He has his morals and he sticks with them...no matter what that means. He brings out the BEST in you. And I know more than anyone else that you love him with all your heart.
You are almost an adult now. There are so many more responsibilities that you will encounter. I think that you will be able to handle them intelligently. Good luck.
Love,
Me
x
9:19a

Dear you.

i have held on to this for so  long and i just want to know the truth i want to know if his letter to you was completely true. That he was never good enough for you and you needed more. i want to know if you went behind his back with other men and fucked them over. I want to know if you fucked us all over. i want to know the truth about what happened instead of sitting in the shadows and thinking horrible thoughts about you.. i hate you having that man over. i hate it b/c i think that he was the one you had an affair with -i hate him with every inch of my body. i want him to fucking die. If it is true if the note i found hidden was filled with facts i never want to see you again. you tore this family apart. you tore MY family apart. All the times at night when i had to sit awake and hear dad crying were horrible he didnt deserve any of this. making him go through this with a fake life. acting like everything is perfectly fine when in reality he was completely broken down. you stupid bitch you ruined my life completely. you tore me from my friends and made me become more upset about everything. you ruined us all. i hate you for ruining our family even though i dont show it b/c i dont want to know if it is true b/c if it is i may just go too far. i cant believe you did this to him he loved you with all his heart you fucking had to go against 22 years of marriage and ruined this. nothing was wrong with the two of you. you were in love., you never yelled or argued i thought you were perfect. but i guess you wanted more than perfection. you needed more than that. you just needed to ruin everything. and all the times i sat awake at night crying while looking at pictures of you and dad i guess you probably thought it was fucking funny.

Thanks for ruining me . thanks so fucking much mother.
-



Current Mood: depressed
1 ||x
2:22p

I thought about you today..and I hate you for what you did to me

you changed my life forever...

2 ||x
2:54p
Dear -------,

this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

love always,
ALi
2 ||x
3:09p
time for a few more letters...
.


dear C,

i don't know what to feel. you told me how you feel about me, and i love you so much, but it's just so hard to understand. you are one of my best friends, and your feeling for me are stronger than that. i have always thought about you, always. i never knew if my feelings were stronger, and now i have just thought more and more. i love you, i really do, but that scares me so much. maybe i just miss you. maybe i just want someone to screw around with. right now, i really don't know, and that scares me. i haven't told you this, because i don't want to hurt you. i would rahter hurt me than you. and that's how it will always be.
love always,
your kt



dear S,

sitting in your car you told me you loved me. and i denied it. and you proceded to say "yes i do. i love you. i have always loved you. since the first day i ever met you. you can ask so many people, they all know. i wrote it down a few times in so many different ways." i wanted to cry when you said that. you know how infatuated i am with you, you know it. and you and i both know how you have a girlfriend. and how she doesn't like me very much. you can't say you love me when you have a girlfriend. i don't want to hold on any longer. and that hurts. you are gone right now, and i've been trying to clear my head of everything. right now, nothing works.
love,
your "beautiful lesbian" :)



dear other S,

you hurt me. a lot. and it never left my head. and i made many scars for you. you have scarred me for life. i hope you are happy.
loved you once,
kt




..oh my love
please don't cry...




.

Current Mood: contemplative
x
4:15p
Dear ....
Hwo have you been woudl be a great question to ask , now wouldn't it? Seeing as i haven't seen you in the past 2 years. Why is thta? Why haven't you tried to talkj to me? I've tried, you've lied. Why do i keep trying? You were one of my best friends. We'd walk together to and from school, you'd wait for me in the morning and in the afternoon. You'd help me up when i fell on the ice. You were such a great friend. After those 2 weeks i went away you changed. You wenr't there. We hung out once that entire summer. When i was away i realized how much you meant to me, i realized i loved you. When we actaully saw each other, it was great, i was so happy. But you didnt show up on the first day of school that year. You never came. I tried to see you but you always ignored me. You completely changed. I dont know why. The time i fianlly did get to talk to you, you lied straight to my face and it hurt. It still hurts to this day that you woudl ie to me liek that. Well, i guess thats the way this is goign now. You want to hurt people and not care. i can't believe this is what you have become. It' horrible. I want you to know that i love you and always will but i guess nothign will ever come. I probably will never see you again. You'll probably never know how much pain you caused me. And for that fuck you.
goodbye
love always shannon
x
5:14p
Dear Everyone I Hung Out With At School But Haven't Seen This Summer,

What the hell happened? I don't know, maybe we've all been so busy. Maybe not.
Charlie - You're my drinking buddy. You've got my number, call me sometime. You live what, a hop, skip and jump away? Come pick me up, babe, we'll rock this POS town.
Becca - You live down the street. I know you're back from KS. Let's hang out before school.
Stoner - We're supposed to smoke together. WE MADE ALL THOSE PLANS IN FRENCH CLASS!!!
Brandi - What the hell? We talk like every day, but we never seem to make any plans, and when we do, something always gets fucked up. What about our techie party?
Mary - I know you were in FL, but I thought you were back. Call me sometime. I miss you.
I miss you guys. You're my friends. I know I haven't made much effort either, and I'm sorry, but I really wanna hang out with everyone. I hope we're still friends in 3 weeks when school starts.

Love,
Elizabeth
x
5:17p
Dear Miss Ani Difranco,

I love your music. You inspire me. You have a beautiful voice. And i am seeing you in concert soon! I cant wait.


An Adoring Fan,

Nikki
x
11:00p
you,

everything we were, everything we are, is something im in love with. The concept of you being in my life brings happy tears to my eyes.
You were my first 'love' and now that you want me in your life im in complete extacy. the nights we share together, just laying and caressing. every curve, every line in your face..i love. I love watching you as we kiss. you have this cute face when you're enjoying my pleasure. (pun intended)
I dont know what i can say to you though, the thought of us being together "as a couple" again...scares me. You and i didnt work for a reason, and i think we should stay the way we are..so we dont have the title.

dont worry im not holding out on you for another, there is no one else in my world that could make me feel the way you do. im addicted to you, to your love. i just wish i could feel the same. I love the thought of you. just because im afraid to love YOU again, does not mean i dont want you around.

the way you make me feel at night when im lying in your arms...is magical almost. You and i belong together..in a physical state..are bodies were meant for each other. but were our minds? is something we've been holding out on really what we need? the relationship you want, the relationship you think you NEED...is pointless in my eyes. look how happy we are in this state of extacy, in this state of complete bliss. the title of boyfriend/girlfriend would just break us from the inside out.

the mindset you had before, you were scared, you were scared to love me...so we backed out. and now..with all the love that you had pent up..you want to begin anew. but i think the same thing will arise. you're the man i belong to...you fit so perfectly. i must sound crazy saying that i dont want to continue this lifelong journey with you. i do, i just want it to be seperate. lets grow up before we decide to get feelings like that involved.

we're the perfect couple physically. i could think of no one who is having better sex. just the way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way you think of me..they way i know you're thinking about ME is perfection. but what IS perfection? is it a state of mind? or is the state of being where everything and everyone are in complete bliss. that isnt the world..that isnt true life. this is why im afraid. perfection is NOT a relationship. become unperfect..for me. our insight to love counts on it. i dont know what else to say. keep coming over at night, keep on touching me the way you do. i know you love me, and just know i love the thought of you and me. thank you for being the man i need.

samantha

Current Mood: contemplative
x
11:26p
Dear James,
Why did you have to turn around and break the same promise My ex did. Then lie to my face about your New Girlfirend.. after you break up with me because your werent ready for a relationship. Yet 2 days after breaking up with me you date her. Bullshit. I will never forgive you. You lost all my trust.

Hate Always.
Krista

Current Mood: restless
2 ||x
11:42p
im new here. but i think the concept is totally awesome

im not going to write a letter though cuz now im going to bed cuz im super tired but ill be sure to post one up tomorrow

Current Mood: drained
1 ||x

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