(mostly XL tees but some other stuff. check it out!)
July 13th, 2004
(mostly XL tees but some other stuff. check it out!)
Okay. You hate me. Good for you. BUT do you really think YOU are going to bring ME down and make me feel like shit?
NO. I don't think so.
Stop wasting your time. I don't feel upset or like crap. I do feel angry though.
Angry that I was as stupid to be mates with pathetic fucks like you.
I mean you copied things I did and were so blatent.
Sorry love but you are obviously jealous.
No one has the right to try and bring me and my friends down and while I'm here, no one will succeed.
I know I say I hate you. I know I say it all the time, and sometimes I think I really mean it.
But I realize why we used to not get along. I blamed you for everything. Everything. I knew what he did to you, and yet I still hated you for it. I blamed the entire divorce on you, i blamed every fight, every nightmare I had on you. I read the emails, i read everything he said to you. I snuck downstairs late at night and found out his password, just so I could know. But even after reading the emails, even after I found out every detail, I still blamed you.
I hated you for something that wasn't your fault.
You walked out on this family. You walked out on me. And that's what I hated you for.
But I didn't know the reasons. I didnt want to know. Once I did know, I didnt want to admit it. I didnt want to admit that I had been wrong, that it was not your fault, that you really had no choice. I was blind. I was exactly what I hate. I was blaming you and blaming you even though I knew the truth. I didnt want to admit that our family falling apart was not your fault.
I still don't want to admit it.
But I dont want to hate you either. I want to have the mother-daughter relationship that most girls have. Not a screaming one based on lies. Lately I`ve been getting better at not blaming you for things, and I`m really trying, I swear I am. I`ve tried telling you all of this, but I just can`t do it.
And I don't know if i should tell you, I don`t feel ready to tell you, because I still don`t trust you. I still cant forget some things. I don`t know if I ever will.
And I hate you for wanting to die. I went on your computer, and read all those files you had hidden. The ones that said there was no point, and that you wanted to kill yourself. Those scared me so fucking bad. Mom, I sat in class and wanted to bawl my eyes out because I was afraid that when i got home you`d be dead. I'd sit on the bus and want to run out the door and see you, tell you that I love you, tell you that I could not live without you. And I used to wish that you would do it, because I got so angry at you. I hated you sometimes, because you made me scared everyday of my life.
I was always scared that when I got home I'd have to call my stepmother mom. And that she would be all I have. I could not survive.
But the other night I had a breakdown. I could not stop crying because I was so afraid that you were going to die. And I didnt want you to die. Mom sometimes I wished it, I really did. But looking back, I was stupid and I was angry, and if those wishes ever came true I would feel too guilty to survive. I laid there, crying my eyes out in bed at 1 am, convinced you would be dead in the morning, convinced that my father would wake me up and tell me that I didnt have a mother anymore. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt breath, I wanted to call you, to tell you I love you, but I didnt. I couldnt. And mom, I know I`ll never send this letter, but I want you to know that I love you, and I never want you to die.
I know your trial is on Thursday, and I know that dad is trying to take everything from you, and that his lawyer is better than yours, and he'll probably win, but mom i don't care if you have to move, I`ll still love you even in a crappy apartment.
- Your daughter.
we've been through alot this year...we've gone through everything it seems. We went through my bad phases, losing people and making new friends. We went through the "ms.tact" obsession and the "ms.lovely" obsession. I've gone through the rejections, and the loss with you. And now, after a few months, this great friendship's ending. and I dont know how I'm supposed to feel about that.
You've been steadily going away from me for sometime, but for you to admit it made my heart just break. Because I knew, I fucking knew we wouldnt stay friends that long because nothing good lasts long in my life. and it sucks and I just want to be your friend again. you still tell me things that you dont tell anyone else but now...now its like a fucking farewell gift. thanks for being my friend, but next year we wont be friends so heres a parting secret.
It hurts to know that you most likely wont miss me and to know that you've already replaced me. and I just dont know if I should hate you for making me open up slightly or love you for giving me a great friendship that I will always cherish. Even if you dont.
You always said i wasnt a fuck up, but look at how all of my damned friendships end dear. I am a fuck up. And I keep fucking up the things that mean the world to me. I dont know how it'll be next year. But I know what I am going to do...even if I dont want to. I'm going to ignore you, just avoid you. And I might say hi when you say hi to me and I'm going to leave you alone and I'm just going to look at you across the hallways and I'm going to have silent conversations in my head that we might have and I'm going to completely dissapear from your life. Because thats what I do. And I dont want to. But it hurts to be your friend and then to not be your friend.
I've lost a lot of "friends" and I just wanted you to not be one of them. no matter how fucking bad our arguements got...I was the one that told you that I didnt want to be your friend that one time. and I took it back but the damage...the damage was done. and I cant go back and correct time. I cant stop you from making that comment or from telling ms.tact shit that i didnt want told. i cant. but i can apoligize. profusly. because i feel the need to say sorry for fucking up such a great thing. I am truely sorry.
If your outlook was different i'd be telling this to you personally. You've always had an impact on me, negative & positive. We've been through so much together, birthdays when we were small, hanging out as we got older, and then lost touch completely. A touch of fate and Secondary school brang us together once again and I swore that I would never let you go.. We caught up on the time we missed and became close. Then, with time.. we got too close, we didn't think of the future and what would happen to us.. we just thought about ourselves.. in the present and what we needed. I know this... it's not what we needed. Things went too fast and just as quickly as it happened, we fell apart. We tried 3 more times, but.. things would never be the same. We don't talk, we don't look at each other, we can't even stand close to each other without feeling the distance... I know it's true for me. Knowing how you are, and what you've become.. I know you don't care, but I do. It's something that I can't live with, not being in any contact with you. You were my everything and now i'm you're nothing. My feelings got in my way too many times, and I'm sorry for that. I'll never be sorry for what my feelings are now. It's not that I need you, i've moved on.. partly. I've found someone else, and my friends have changed as yours but that still doesn't mean I don't care. Despite what my mind says, my heart will always care. When i said that I would never let you go.. That's one promise I'll keep until I die.
</3Lauren... your ex-everything.
my name is joe im 15 i have brown hair that goes a lil past my nose so its long i guess and i like emotional/screamo and /psot hardcore music
id have to say my favorite bands as of right now are the early november tbs and underoath
well thats all for now laterr
We have had our good and bad times. We survived them and well i have to tell you a thing or ten. I can't stop remembering the night when you got expelled. That dumb knife, you had to take it to school. And you make me think that im the reason you brought it. I mean i pissed you off the night before. And then the next day at school we have open gym. Everyone's playing basketball and you come over to me. You tell me i have a knife, and show me the top of it. Its still folded and but i got totally freaked out!! I dont quite remember what you said after that but i think it was along the lines of im gonna kill you. Then almost everyone in our class finds out. Because you being the dumbass that you are tell all your guy friends to show off. Well it may have impressed them, but to me i wanted to hit you up side the head!!! We left from there and went to science not much there. Then in lunch i avoided you (Duh.) After lunch it was team (study hall) and well im not in yours so i once again didnt talk to you. Oh but then math class came. I think everyone in that room knew. It wasnt even 10 minutes into the class when the principal came in. I said to Mrs. ..(math teacher).. is ...(the persons name).. in your class. And she was like yes. The pricipal said come with us. (The other principal was there) And right when i here those word i turned to look at you and you were as white as snow. I freaked as did everyone around me. I think Mrs. ... knew what was going on. Then we went to science and found out ..... told the principal that you had the knife. That was the most interesting day of my school year. March 19th will forever haunt me. That night i got home and talked to you on im about what happened you had been suspended for 2 weeks (10 days). Well i still wanted to hit you but thats beside the point. Oh and that day some kid said to me did ...... kill you?? Yeah how smart. Anyway for those to weeks i was asked about it. It pissed me off. But then came to the last time i saw you, April 6th. It was the night of you trial. You, your father and mother picked me up. My bothers b/f was your lawyer. Three of my friends were gonna be there. All your friends too. Standing outside of that building with every talking about shit was a daze. I dont really remember it that well, because all i could think of is whats going to happen. We finally went in two of our friends had hats on they had hat hair. I think that was the only time that day that i laughed. We went into the room. The whole school board was sitting there. It was a bunch of old people and i dont like them. Especially our principal. Ugh well i sat there and we shaking i was so scared becase i was gonna have to talk in front of all these people and i just was nerve wrecked. My moms b/f called people up to have them talk then i was called, i could have pissed myself. But then i went and then i sat back were i was. I could of killed you mother!! She said to your dad in the middle of your trial. "i need a hair cut" Well me and one of i would say my best guy friends heard it we looked at each other and about screamed. Then they said we need to discuss this so we when in the all. You said to me thanks and i couldnt believe it. I was thinking "how could you say that??" you said it in such Sarcasm. I started to cry there. But caught myself. We went back in then. The man was reading was was gonna happen. I had been holding back tears. And the guy i had said about before, my best guy friend noticed i was crying and started whispering stuff to me like nooo dont cry and so on. I think my makeup ran because once it was over and we were outside you looked at me funny. And so did the other guys there. (it was four guys and me) but you went inside and then the other guys talked to me and i told them yeah i was crying and other crap. Then you came back. We were waiting for everyone to get picked up. They leave we're just there. We turn to go back inside and walk toward the door. And man was i suprised when you opened the door for me. Wow you were in a good mood from just getting expelled for a year. Then my moms b/f and your parents talked. We listened, how fun. Then i gave you your bday card. And that was the last time i saw you. Wow its been quite a while. And i think that was one of those moment in my life i'll never ever forget. And i will always be reminded of you.
I listen to this song on repeat
The anthem to my feelings
Feelings for you
It describes all of my thoughts, memories, and moods
Just like you
I miss you, the thought stops my heart
The lyrics instantly remind me of you
Reminds of when I was truly happy
Since those days I am never truly happy at heart
There’s always that hole the continuously grows
You could’ve changed that, filled that hole
But you decided to lie and make a getaway
That lie was like a knife to the throat
A dagger to the heart
It virtually killed me
But I was kept alive by the slightest hope to make things right
That’s why I’m here now
This hope lessens more and more everyday
I’ll always miss you
But maybe it won’t stop my heart anymore