I know I say I hate you. I know I say it all the time, and sometimes I think I really mean it.
But I realize why we used to not get along. I blamed you for everything. Everything. I knew what he did to you, and yet I still hated you for it. I blamed the entire divorce on you, i blamed every fight, every nightmare I had on you. I read the emails, i read everything he said to you. I snuck downstairs late at night and found out his password, just so I could know. But even after reading the emails, even after I found out every detail, I still blamed you.
I hated you for something that wasn't your fault.
You walked out on this family. You walked out on me. And that's what I hated you for.
But I didn't know the reasons. I didnt want to know. Once I did know, I didnt want to admit it. I didnt want to admit that I had been wrong, that it was not your fault, that you really had no choice. I was blind. I was exactly what I hate. I was blaming you and blaming you even though I knew the truth. I didnt want to admit that our family falling apart was not your fault.
I still don't want to admit it.
But I dont want to hate you either. I want to have the mother-daughter relationship that most girls have. Not a screaming one based on lies. Lately I`ve been getting better at not blaming you for things, and I`m really trying, I swear I am. I`ve tried telling you all of this, but I just can`t do it.
And I don't know if i should tell you, I don`t feel ready to tell you, because I still don`t trust you. I still cant forget some things. I don`t know if I ever will.
And I hate you for wanting to die. I went on your computer, and read all those files you had hidden. The ones that said there was no point, and that you wanted to kill yourself. Those scared me so fucking bad. Mom, I sat in class and wanted to bawl my eyes out because I was afraid that when i got home you`d be dead. I'd sit on the bus and want to run out the door and see you, tell you that I love you, tell you that I could not live without you. And I used to wish that you would do it, because I got so angry at you. I hated you sometimes, because you made me scared everyday of my life.
I was always scared that when I got home I'd have to call my stepmother mom. And that she would be all I have. I could not survive.
But the other night I had a breakdown. I could not stop crying because I was so afraid that you were going to die. And I didnt want you to die. Mom sometimes I wished it, I really did. But looking back, I was stupid and I was angry, and if those wishes ever came true I would feel too guilty to survive. I laid there, crying my eyes out in bed at 1 am, convinced you would be dead in the morning, convinced that my father would wake me up and tell me that I didnt have a mother anymore. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt breath, I wanted to call you, to tell you I love you, but I didnt. I couldnt. And mom, I know I`ll never send this letter, but I want you to know that I love you, and I never want you to die.
I know your trial is on Thursday, and I know that dad is trying to take everything from you, and that his lawyer is better than yours, and he'll probably win, but mom i don't care if you have to move, I`ll still love you even in a crappy apartment.
- Your daughter.