I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Friday, July 9th, 2004
Dear "I'm confused so I'm going to ruin your life."
Please stop saying one thing and meaning another.
Please stop saying i love you then denying it.
Please stop saying you dont like me and continue to call me.
Please stop lying to me. My heart can't take it anymore.
"Even more confused than you."
Its 1:11 AM- get tired...and stop checking if he is online. He hates u, he hopes u die.
And your addicted to live journal. You need help.
jessica dawn kelley.. shelton...
whatever your fucking name is...
stop stealing my shit.
first, you start speaking like me.
which i can handle. people do that.
so naturally, i quit and started speaking correctly.
you stole my passions.
i can deal with that too.
it happens. some people just have something in common. not AS common as you and i... but you did that purposely.
so then, you gradually change your internet settings and personality... so that you seem just like me.
this is where i start getting a little irritable.
and now, you're stealing lyrics off of my away messages? what is your fucking problem?!
do you think i wasn't going to notice sock puppet mafia lyrics in your stupid xanga entry?
you don't fucking know sock puppet mafia. you're not scene. you don't attend the shows i do. so why the hell are you trying to give off that impression. do you think i'll be impressed? NO. you fucking piss me off.
and just to keep going with it...
the way you fell in love
with kyle irritates me too. you're fucking obsessed. and you were since before we even broke up. i fucking know. i journaled it in many books. i always wrote about how i didn't care what you thought of his personality and how GREAT he was... i already fucking knew, i didn't need you to tell me.
yeah, he's so great he broke my heart.
you were there with me through the entire thing.
you still continued to kiss his ass.
yeah, great friends we were, right?
i don't see why i care.
you're what... way younger than i am...
you're a foot shorter than i am.
fifty pounds heavier.
with an ugly face and disposition.
i don't appreciate the way you acted when i walked by you on that bridge. you were with all of your nu-metal friends... i just wanted to get to my car and go home. and you fucking stopped me and told me how bad you wanted to rape me? nope sorry, that doesn't settle either.
and to top all of that...
you stole my fucking work.
i showed you my suicide bomber piece.
and i go to your exboyfriends xanga...
and see the EXACT same thing on his site...
with credit to you.
FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
that is the worst thing you could ever do.
i hate you. Current Mood: annoyed
Over the past, oh say, 8-9 months that I've known you, I've tried to show you something, over and overa gain. Have you notcied? So, I've been to multiple baseball games, and basketball games. I enjoy the sports, I love them, that's not the only thing though. It's not the only reason I went. I don't know why anymore actually, to tell you the truth. I don't know why I'm still waiting, mnaybe I just believe that on day, something that I want, will happen, and all this waiting woulve have been worth it. Maybe I'm just dreaming. I'm waiting for you to realize something, maybe. "Why do you have the time to go make other girls fall in love with you, when I already do?" I'm waiting for you to realize...how much I care about you? I thought you knew, maybe you do, but I don't think you realize HOW MUCH. Or did I care too much? I've had so many things run through my mind since I met you. Maybe it was the endless amount of hours talking that triggered something. Or the countless "I love you"s and how you said you cared about me, over and over again. Maybe I went too far, I couldn't help it. Maybe I've been waiting for nothing, and made a complete fool out of myself. Do I come off as a joke to you? Some obsessive freak maybe? I'm starting to think it's something like that. Or do I overreact on some occasions? It's some kind of mystery to me. You tell me that it's up to me whether to move on, or wait. I've tried both. When I tried moving on...letting go, it led me back to waiting. Because truth is, I can't let go. Sad? Ok, maybe so, waiting hasn't done anything either, I tended to find that out. Or will it do something in the future? Near or far? Both, trying to move on, and waiting, have led me to get hurt, somehow. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Have you been in this position before? In case you haven't...it hurts like a bitch. So here I am, waiting, arms wide open...just waiting for something to happen. Something good for me.
It's been a week since you told me. You said we had nothing in common, what was there to base a relationship on? We had everything in common. You know I'd do anything for you, hell, I did do everything I could for you. Even if it made me cry, I'd do it, because I wanted you happy. I wanted you to see how perfect I was for you.
I know it was only a month, but when you spend every waking moment with a person, you realize how different it is when they are gone.
You told me you loved me, of course I loved you too. But I was afraid this would happen. You told me not to worry, that you wouldn't hurt me. Of course I had to believe that, you never lied to me. Except that one time, which happened to be the worst thing you could lie about. Why would you do that?
You called me heartless after too. I was crying, and you called me unemotional. You said you loved me still. It was complete bullshit. You'll never love me, you never did. What was the point of leading me on like that? All it did was break me into a hundred thousand pieces, make you feel like the center of my world for a couple of weeks, and then make you feel like shit for what I hope is the rest of your life.
Despite what you may believe, you are
amazing. Thank you for coming to me when you thought I needed someone. Thank you for drawing me to you, pulling me into your arms and telling me that you thought you weren't treating me right.
You've always treated me like gold, you know.
|Letter to myself
Oh sweetheart. Aren't you tired yet? Tired of hiding the scars? Hiding your feelings? Hiding who you are? You hate yourself, of course you do. You have to understand that not everyone despises you. Your friends really do care about you. You are a good person. People do like you, and your life will not end up so shitty. Yes you are depressed, yes it's a real disease. You don't have to get better if you don't want to but it is in your best interest. One day you'll find someone who shows that they honestly do care. That they'll love you when you're a mess and sobbing on the floor. They'll love you no matter what and maybe that will help you. When you realize someone loves you more than life itself, maybe you'll realize you're not ugly. You're not full of hate. You're not empty. Maybe you'll realize that you're worth loving and you should take care of yourself.
Even as I write this the words sound fake. I just can't help myself Current Mood: depressed
I don't know what to say. I'm freaking out. I know I should move on and forget you, like everyone says, but I can't get rid of love so quickly. I just don't understand. I just want you to tell me how you feel. Even tell me: tell me you don't want me and don't love me anymore. Just please, please stop my confusion. My hopes rise at certain times, and fall at others. I'm sick of my feelings going up and down, it's driving me MAD. All I want is you
and all the things I said in those damn letters were true, I still feel it. I am NOT lying. Maybe you believe me but I don't know, you never told me how you felt. I just want to know. Even if you're not sure, please just tell me! I can't handle this anymore! I feel like there's no point in waking, no point in moving, no point in make-up and nice clothes, just sit and look like shit, because what matters when I feel like this? If only I could talk to you, I could just ask you to tell me how you feel. But I can't
. I'm so scared. I'm scared of you. I'm terrified you think me boring - you joked about it before, but I know you think me boring. I am! Cos I can't think of anything to say. I'm scared of what I might
say if I had the chance. I'm too much of a coward to say all this to you. I have become the most pathetic thing
. One word circles in my mind a lot: please
. Just that. I want to say it to you, a lot, but I can't. I can't do anything, can I? I'm just waiting. "I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine"
. I'm so confused.... please just stop my confusion, please... Current Mood: sad
Today 2 months ago was the worst day of this year to date, it could have actually been the worst day of my life but at the time i didnt know what kind of an impact not being with you would have on me.
When i asked why we were breaking up you said you needed time & i believed you because i understood. So for a whole month i thought one day we would get back together although you never picked up your phone once to call me. I always look back and think how could you have been so fuckin stupid? The whole time we were together you were thinkin about her. I was just a fling to make you realise you do love her, but at the same time i dont think you meant it to be like that either. You truly did love me, not for long, but you did & thats all i have to hold on too.
I pray for the fucking day you 2 break-up. It might not bring me & you back togther but at least i know your not with someone else. Shes not your idea of good looks & shes defiently not your idea of fun, so why waste the best years of your life with her? Because you love her, give me fuckin strength. I've never seen you together but i hope you compare her to me now and realise what your missing.
You've been back together 1 month & 2 weeks now im waiting for you to come to your senses but im jst lying to myself. Maybe you will always love her & one day i'll get over you, but for now i'll think of you every fucking day and see you every fucking week and tiny bits of my heart will be torn to fucking shreds every time we look each other in the eyes and we dont fucking speak.
I hate how you dont respect the family. How you act so Fucking high on yourself. You are an ASSHOLE. I am begining to hate you so much. You make fun of me just to be "cool" around your friends. Thats not cool at all. I hate how you dont talk to people alot of the time because you are "scared" Whell your a little bitch!! I used to feel sorry for you. Untill I saw how much anger and how much hate you have for everyone around you. If they arent "up to your standards". You need to stop this little thing you have. GOD you wont even talk to you Grandpa that you see ONCE a year!! Oh and my friend that on you think likes you. Whell she thinks your a loser, and you REALLY scare her the way you talk to her..and how you are with EVERYONE..and another thing..get off your computer once in a while. Theres alot out there you dumbass...like trees mabe and sun and alot....but i really hate you right now...unless you change im not being around you anymore