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Friday, July 2nd, 2004

Time Event
12:00a
dear self,

i hope you're happy.

you've fucked up your life.

what does she win johnny?

a shitful of emptyness.

just... suffocate yourself or something why don't you?

love,
yourself.
2 ||x
1:07a
when we talk in emails, or online.. or whatever... i really want things to work out between us. but sometimes when i'm actually with you, you disprove what i think....
i want things to work out.

heart

Current Mood: optimistic
x
1:14a
Joshua
</sup>my dearest joshua,

i love you with all my heart, i always have, i always will & i know you love me the same back. i understand you are hurting now & i know it's all because of me, but you hurt me too. & it hurts even more for you to seem like you didnt hurt me & i was the only one at wrong.. but i wasnt you were wrong too. i wish you would just let me back in again.

x broken heart here x
chelle
</sup>

Current Mood: sad
1 ||x
3:03a
Sunny days and Sheets drying on clothes lines
Let me take you all on a short journey, just a little jump back to the days of frog catching and grasshopper chasing, and diving head first into kiddy pools.. the days when I ran around barefoot outside in the summer and made snow angels in the winter that were no older than I. The young and bright age of 8 or 9. I was staying at my grandmother's in Yakima for a few days (although this usely happened several times in the summer months.. i was hardly ever there.. always laying my youthful mind on someone else's pillow case.) This day thou however.. i was doing as I did when I was young and at my grandmother's house. I was playing out back with my younger cousins, (they are twins you know and they were only but 3 that summer), the three of us were in the backyard playing in the toddler pool and causing trouble that required us to be checked on every 20 mins or so.. basically if it got to quiet.. or even to loud. The adults were in the kitchen playing some card game or other and the twins were sitting contently with their diapers full of the water, that i dont think they ever realized was slowly running away from the pool and escaping for them to take away into the yard when they got out, I however this day was off in some other world I was creating.. playing in between the sheets hanging from the clothes line on the outer edges of the yard. There was a magic between that cotton.. a bright sunny lane for me to cross into and not come out til I felt the rest of the world was ready. I remember sitting on the ground nothing to see me but the sun rays from the sky and thinking of who I would spend my older days with. They had to be magical in spirit and in mind, carefree in nature, like to play games and pretend.. want to go on wild adventures and smile for days. When they would hold my hand, I would feel safe and free and powerful.. loved. One day we would be grown and dance under the moon say good morning to the sun and goodnight to the stars, run among flowers and never say die. They would wake me up just to say they loved me and rub my forehead as we were going to sleep. We together would travel the world and kiss on every minor moment that passed.. love our way thru the scenery and keep our secrets together in leather bound books that someday we would share with our children. In our home we would have a fireplace that was the scene of family dinners, tell stories around each bite and laugh till we cried. (Yes I dreamed in movie reels and homespun tales of days that were WAY before my time, but I still do all these things so too bad if you dont.. its nice to feel grounded by the best parts of ones thoughts.) My love and I, would tell each other everything and always go to sleep with things solved. We would kiss our goodbyes and hug our hellos, drop suitcases and grocery bags just to run into each others arms, and never go to bed angry. We would talk things out and deal with each others faults and most of all we would LOVE without cost. We would go to big places and love small towns, want for everything, and settle just for each other.. never stop dreaming and forever walk in each others shoes. I was still among the crisp smelling sheets that if I close my eyes.. still fill my nose with their memory (they really do smell better when dried on the line in the sun's warmth.. i will swear this till death) when my grandmother came out to get them off the line. She looked at me with one corner of a sheet in her hand and asked me what I was thinking about laying there on the grass in my swimsuit (that was too young for me, but lived at her house so what could I do).. I told her I was thinking about love, and telling nature what I wanted from my life when I got older. So my grandmother said something along the lines of "well thats good honey", hung up the new sheets and went into the house. I still lay there fresh in my thoughts and went about the dreaming and planning.. the praying and casting of my love spell into the world if you will. Later on one of my aunts came outside to smoke and seeing my body beneath the sheets.. came to ask me much the same thing as my grandma did.. I said basically the same thing. This time however, I got a much better reply. My aunt said, "well she is out there april, and if you lay there just right and hold your breath, I bet you somewhere she is wishing for you too!" I asked her if she was sure, and she told me that every great love in history at sometime has wished on the same thing at the same time, and so mine was the sky since thats what I was staring at. Soon she finished her cigerette and went back in the house. I sooner or later got up and went and tortured my cousins or ate.. or something else equally kid like, but I never forgot my time in the sheets.
Still to this day some of my most favorite things are fresh clean sheets, summer days, and the sky. I still want all those things. Well 20 years later, I think I actually may have finally met the person wishing with me all those years ago.

ok kids its 3:00 am and story time is over.
Goodnight sky, goodnight stars.

Current Mood: happy
2 ||x
6:55a
Dear Chobie-

The whole concept of me writing this to you doesn't help the way I feel right now. Are you trying to give me some kind of sign that this is getting boring for you? If you are, you should know I hate games. Juzt come out and tell me, because I'm tired of having to put on a happy face for everyone around me when you don't show up. And I'm tired of those 'sympathy' looks they give me when I say you're not coming, when I know in their head they're thinking, "here he goes again."

And that's right. Here you go again. Leaving me to wonder about my own self-worth and your feelings for me. Which I'm getting enough of from my dad right now. And even though I'm angry with you I still fell asleep with phone clutched in hand, waiting for you to do something. Anything. And you did, at 1:11am. "I am so so sorry I didn't go last night I got in trouble do you want me to make it up to you?" No, I don't. Because even though your reasons for 'making it up to me' are because of something you did, you'll still expect something in return. And quite frankly I don't feel you deserve it. Unless you can finally understand that the way I want you to 'make it up to me' is by being there for me and telling me in words how you feel, not games.

I was really starting to enjoy this relationship, and perhaps I'm making a big deal out of nothing, who knows, but you can't expect to make me feel this way repeatedly and still have me. It doesn't work that way with me.

Love-
Taylor


Current Mood: crushed
x
4:28p
if you're someone who's obsessed with lyrics and would like to make a game out of it then stop by my new community. it's called </a></b></a>stuckinyourhead. it's a guess the lyrics community that i just made today. it won't be fun until people join! so stop by if you like. thanks.

this will probably be x-posted.

Current Mood: excited
x
5:10p
its me again...

Dear you again,

Today, in the morning, I woke up with the hope that we were going out to breakfast.  Well, I found you online and you said, "I don't feel like doing anything today."  You couldn't even come over and see me.  You didn't want me to come over and see you.  Why?  Because, apparently, you didn't feel like it.  I was crushed.  Every minute spent without you, I feel alone and worthless.  Because you make me feel worthless when we're together anyway.  At this point in the day, I hate you.  I call my best friend and he comes over.  You call, get mad and say, "Well you're probably fooling around with him."  And I say, "You know I would never do that."  And that is the truth.  Nothing has ever happened between he and I.

But it's different when it's you with other girls, isn't it?  When we're on the phone, you say, "Oo, this girl is ugly, she just sent me a picture online."  I think to myself, "What the hell are you doing online with other girls when you have me?  You say you love me."  As if you read my mind, you say, "I love you though."  I respond with a, "Really?  Sometimes I wonder."  Eventually I said it back though.

I hate the way you want me to sacrafice the friendship I have with my best friend for you.  I hate the way you threaten me with, "We're done unless you aren't friends anymore."  I keep finding ways to say, "I'll do it tomorrow" but those excuses are wearing thin.  You tell me, "How dare you defy me?"  Well, I don't know how I do either, it's hard.  It really is.

You always seem to redeem yourself though.  You call again.  The first thing out of your mouth is, "I love you, Christie."  Of course I believe you.  Then you sing to me.  You made up a song, it went like this: "You are so beautiful, your voice makes my day bright, roses are red, violets are blue, I love you Christie, I really do."  It didn't rhyme at first, and you don't have the best singing voice.  I didn't care.  I loved it.  You told me you loved me about 20 more times.  It broke my heart in a good way.

Now you're back on my good side.  Oh yeah, and by the way...I think I love you too.

</3 Christie



Current Mood: complacent
x
5:11p
Dear you,

why must you be soo difficult? you seem to think that you can control my life. well guess what. you cant. when i say i dont want to go somewhere with you guys, i mean it. i dont mean that if you tell me enough that im going, then i will. so please, let me decide if i want to go somewhere on my own.

sincerely,
me

Current Mood: aggravated
x
6:55p
Dear Ash.
all i ever wanted from u was for u to be a good friend im sooo sick of this, im soo sick of never feeling good enough for u, im sick of u comparing us, i guess all and all im just plain sick. i always feel like shit when we hang out and i always feel liks shit when u ditch me or dont even try so, im not going 2 call you if you love me that much you can call me. i asked u if u could just be a good friend until i got over this eating disorder thing and by the looks of it u couldnt even do that. i feel like you use me, i feel like all the time u take me for granted, you dont even try to care so this is for u bestfriend FUCK YOU.

Current Mood: cold
x
8:28p
x
10:17p
Dear boy,

Everytime I think about you, and what you're doing-my chest feels like it's tightening. I feel like you've wrapped your rope of hate around my heart, and are pulling it tighter and tighter. I can't breathe when I see you, or think of you. I love you so much, and you don't want me to. Why? Am I really that bad? I mean, I know I can get annoying and too rowdy and loud but do you really need to hate me for that? I guess, it's just my way of pushing people away so I'm not the one to get hurt. My noise and my comments keep people at bay, but the one person I want on the shore wants to be kept at bay...

I wish you could see the many fantastic things that you do that make me feel this. I see what you're really about, and I know you care. But not for me, or maybe you do? I don't know, I think I'm just rambling. This ramble is for you, will you ramble for me?

Just notice me, and my good attributes. Not the ones that I hate myself for. Just love me as I love you. Please? I don't want to spend another lonely night, thinking of you and what you mean. I don't want to spend my nights out on my porch staring at the moon and wondering if you're doing the same. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror and realizing what you see. You can make my mirror stop mocking me. You can if you want...I pray that you want to.

Love*
girl

Current Mood: crushed
x
10:33p

Dear you,

 

I know you weren’t the one who broke it up. It was me but you have a funny way of tearing my heart into shreds.  I try so hard to hate you. To try to move on but I can’t stop thinking about you. You are the only one I could really talk to and now you don’t want to think about me. For all I know you might even hate me. I know I could never have the same feelings for someone as I did for you I’m happy I even had them once but I need to move on. Don’t think by talking about Sonny makes me love him more than I ever did with you. Or that I have forgotten about you, because I haven’t. I probably won’t feel so madly in love with him because you are on my mind and I’m trying to get you off. As much as I try to seem like I’m not interested deep down in a way I really am.

 

I love hate you…I think



Current Mood: crappy
x

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