July 1st, 2004
I'm not going to Seth's. I don't want to see him. I don't want to be in the position where I might do something I'd regret. I don't want to drink or smoke or be around a bunch of random drunk guys. I don't want them thinking that just because of what happened last time, they can all get with me. I'm not like that. I'd never do that to you anyway.
Mostly, I know you didn't want me to go. And I didn't want to do anything to make you upset with me. I care too much about you. You mean more to me than you could ever know. I dont want to hurt you, and I'm so sorry I ever even considered going.
I wish you would have just told me how much you didn't want me to go, instead of saying that you know it would make me happy. You had every right to tell me you didn't want me to go. I wish you'd just have been honest with me.
Let's never get like this again, ok?
underground, it's where I belong.
I need some testosterone hands on my waist, but hell, I can't talk like that.
swinging hips is not my forté.
Its not your fault, you weren't there. Yet I know you blame yourself. I'm sorry for crying like that, I was just surrprised and confused, And even though after all this time, you tell me your not my real Father. Your still my dad.
And I love you.
You have all been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous gift. We have embraced one another in a way I thought was never possible. You have made me laugh like I never have before, you have made me cry tears of joy, you have made me smile for a year straight. You have made me who I am today.
You have sang Bohemian Rhapsody with me countless times. You have listened to Soco Amaretto Lime with me in silence, knowing that no words were needed to express how we were feeling as the song filled our ears I'm gonna stay eighteen forever so we can stay like this forever, and we'll never miss a party cause we'll keep them going constantly.
I will always remember the nights where we wound up at the diner, doing nothing but sitting and talking for hours when there was nothing else to do. I will always remember the nights spent in Kevin's basement and dungeon, sneaking around his house and duct taping maureen to the pole. I will always remember the days spent at Jenna's playland. I will always remember the drinking wagon. I will always remember colin's house, or should I say, our house. I will always remember the mistakes we made. I will always remember your smiles. I will always remember big rick. I will always remember each and every one of you.
We have become a family. A dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless. We will drive half an hour to taco bell just so anthony and brendan can order ten tacos a piece, and see who will finish first without puking. We will listen to each others stories of slamming and whomping, and we will laugh hysterically at the end of each story. We will go crazy on bus rides to the city, and we will divulge secrets with one another with no questions asked. We will dance to our hearts content. We will attempt to throw Colin's phone off enormous roller coasters. We will wake up at 9 am after a night of partying so we can return to Colin's house to clean it up, so his parents won't know we were there. We will make shirts directed at the people we hate. We will joust the crap out of one another. We will pile 10 people into Brian's jeep every night. We will make signs for you at 4 am in the parking lot of walmart when we don't want to go to sleep. We will go to Houlihan's in our bathing suits. We will rock out to classic rock at midnight while driving around town in hopes of finding something to do. We will quote dumb and dumber each night. We will do the pizza. We will do the a-town stomp, the muscle, and the rockaway. We will walk on broken glass and go up stairways to heaven. We will break doors. We will yell "i'm for really real" each time we make a turn in the car. We will say nah seriously before each sentence. We will call shotgun for everything. We will cry during movies. We will chase one another around the house if we feel you are not having fun. We will light chimineas and make smores. We will blow dry one anothers pants. We will yell at Franklin.
We will send Brendan to buy us sausage dip and carrot sticks. We will start gang fights. We will buy cotton candy in sections. We will buy ugly presents for our mothers.
There is much more, but I have to be at work in 2 hours, and I might not be done by that time.
I love each and every one of you with all my heart. You have become a part of me, and you will never leave.
To my usual crew:
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part so much of me is made of what i learned from you, you'll be with me like handprint on my heart, and now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend
your unspoken orders were for me to stay begging at your feet. i did for far too more thatn i would've cared for, and look where i am now... still sweeping up the lies you left behind. tell me how it feels for an innocent girl wanting and wishing for only you... to have someone completely fill a diary with words she's been longing to tell you. you being my lover, the holder of my heart, my master. secretly, you are a monster. Am i your public display of the most damage you ever caused? you make take this as a wy to feel better about yourself, and if that's the ccase, you're ammounting to be more shallow then i even imagined possible.
I'm sorry that I made you angry last night. I know that you're only trying to help and I know that I'm not good enough to understand that. I'm not doing this because I feel guilty. Well, I AM doing this because I feel guilty, but I wanted you to know that I care about you. I wish we could share secrets again, the way we used to before I turned myself inwards and started throwing daggers at you. I know I'm not all that happy and I know that you deserve better, and I wish I could change that but I can't. I know you've always been there for me and I wish I could do the same. Yesterday I didn't log out because I wanted to pointedly ignore you, my net crashed. I know it's a lame excuse and you probably won't believe me, but it's the truth...
I like you a lot, you know. Yes, I want to come to Sweden and see you and I want to read comics with you until I start talking like an anime character and I want to wake up and drag my feet into the kitchen and make hot chocolate. And I want to go skiing with you and make snowmen and smile a lot. And I want to lose days by just lying around doing nothing. And I want to learn about gothic music from you because you know so much about it. And I want to learn Swedish with you.
And I want you to come here and go clubbing with me. I want to show you all the great rock clubs with lots of leather outfits and bikes. I want to have fun with you because you understand. I want to be your friend, as you are mine. I'm sorry, I really am...
I don't know what to do. I'm still putting on the brave face, pretending. I know it fell a bit, at the Cathouse. I had to let something out. But it just feels like my whole life.. well, it's worthless. It's nothing. I HAVE nothing anymore. I don't have a job, I have no chance of getting into college, I don't have a lot of friends anymore and the ones I do have I don't see much of, I love someone who doesn't love me, I barely ever get to see you anymore and I really don't know what to do with myself. What is even the point of living anymore? I can't think of anything that would make me want to stay.
And since you told me *that thing* I don't really know if I can tell you my true feelings anymore in case it bothers you. I know you're my best friend but that one thing is complicated now. I don't know what to do. Who to talk to? I wish I had someone but I DON'T. What's the use in my pretend happiness now? I've kept it up for a while now though, so I should continue I guess. When people ask how I am, I smile and I say I'm fine and everything's good and I try not to let anything slip. My journal entries are pointless, except for the ones in my real journal in my room. And every time I do hang out with someone, I feel boring. I am, aren't I? I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't have anything to tell them. My mind is so occupied with trying not to think of certain things and also trying to force me into happiness. It's so hard. But.. I truly am, I'm just.. boring.
So who would even want me as a friend anymore? Do you even care that much? I mean, you have other friends... you're as close to them now as I was a year ago, I guess. They've all moved on without me but I didn't move at all. I am such an idiot...... Why is it I had to fuck things up so much before? Why did you let me? Maybe you couldn't see the truth but surely you would have known it was something too big to lose?
I'm sorry, I'm not blaming you... I'm just a little angry. And lonely. And just frustrated. Annoyed that I don't seem to matter at all to anyone anymore. Why don't they care? Is it because of everything I did? I knew I was wrong when I did it... so why did I? It wasn't me, I'm not like that, I'm not...
I'm so scared. I really am....
Can forget you.
... I was forgotten.
I'm not hurt. I don't really care. It's just.. odd. I couldn't forget them, if I tried, when I tried, yet they simply.. forgot me.
I'm afraid to start this letter, because whenever I speak my feelings, you put them down. Maybe that's why I'm putting this in here. I'm always wrong for feeling the way that I do, at least that's what you say. I've come to believe that you don't care one bit about me. "Oh but I do, my love" is what you will reply. How do I believe someone who leaves me bruised, broken, and alone? You promise me countless things countless times...yet you never come through. I wait for your promised call all night, until I finally fall asleep in front of the tv, blaring The Real World, with a tear-stained face. It shouldn't hurt anymore. Every day that I have known you, you've hurt me a little more. Since February, we have been friends. We are now more than that. I love you. But I shouldn't. How can I love someone who hurts me? Love is not hurt. Love is not...it's not what we have. Then why do I believe it is? Part of me tells me that I need you. How can I need someone like you?
I guess part of me feels like I deserve to be treated like nothing. This is how I feel: I feel like I'm there for you until someone comes around who's better. You tell me, "Damn she's hot" & "You're making too big of a deal out of this." I didn't make it a big deal...you did. I know you know you are wrong. I know it deep in my heart. When you "force me to hit myself" for your sick idea of fun, it actually hurts. It's not as bad as I'm making it? You are a strong person...when you make me hit myself and say, "Stop hitting yourself" it does hurt. The force of your hands on mine is a pretty big impact. And when I say, "Ouch, that was in my eye," do you show any remorse? Of course not. It would wreck your image. I'm not your rag doll. I'm not a yo-yo. I'm not your star.
Maybe some day I will realize that and do something about it. Until then....
I love you, I really do, but I feel as if you betrayed me when you moved away from me. You* said you'd always be there, you'd always stay with me. You* left, and I'm alone. I'm sorry, but I miss you*. I really do, and I wish you* were here. To protect me, and shelter me from bad things. I know it's time that I grew up, but I don't want to. I need someone to talk to after I come home from a hard day at school, and when I run to your room, you're no longer there. There's just a memory of you* and the days we spent together. The nights we laughed, and cried together. I miss you* more than you'll ever going to know. I wish you* would at least call, you know? Just so I know you're okay, and no one is hurting you*.
I know I can always trust your words, and what you* say, but I still wish you* were here so I can look into your eyes when you* say them. I called you* when I needed you*, and you* were there to talk. But you* weren't there to hold my hand, to hold me as I cried. You* weren't there to let me crash into you*, when I felt I could no longer stand. For 14 and a half years I had you* but you* left me. I know I'm selfish, but I want to be. I want you* here with me, and I want you* to watch Michael walk into his first day of high school, as you* watched me.
I'm happy that you* escaped your personal hell, but part of me wishes that you* could be here to help me escape mine.
Love for you* always,
Dear *you* again,
I always promise myself that I won't put up with your harmful ways anymore. I promise myself that I'll finally tell you how I really feel. Yet, at 10:41 tonight, I saw your name on my Caller ID, and a smile inched its way onto my face. It's you, you've called to say...to say what? I answer the phone, and in the sexiest, sweetest voice ever, you say, "Is it too late to call?" Of course I reply, "No. It's definitely not." We talk for 7 minutes exactly. You say we aren't going out to breakfast tomorrow. Why? Because you said so. But we're doing something tomorrow afternoon. What? Why? "Whatever, and because I want to." That's your response to everything, isn't it? Talking to you brings me to a place I never thought existed in a time too far off to even imagine. Yet when we say goodbye, I am brought back into the real world. Without you.
I just want to hold you. I keep coming back for more. You will never know these feelings of "regret" I have. I'll see you tomorrow...where? Wherever you want. When? Whenever you call. Why? Because I love you.