Hi lover -
I am so sick of hearing you talk about her. She is one of my best friends why her. Why do you have to choose to love her? I told you how much i cared about you but it means nothing to you. I told her how much i cared for you but she had to make you fall for her. She kept on flirting with you so my life would never work. She has stolen every guy i have liked away from me!!. Why cant you see how much i love you- how much i care for you- how you complete me. Without you in my life i would be lost- how can i go on loving you if you dont feel the same about me, and never will? Every guy i like she makes like her and if they me she has to like them so i cannot have them. I am sick of always wanting and needing your acception in life. Why is it always like this, Me Vs. Pain- why does pain have to win always- now you are the cause of my pain. So all i have to say is Fuck You. You ruin me, and you always will.
June 28th, 2004
Hi lover -
I said I'd never bring it up again for you. You're so happy with her. Most the time I'm happy too, until I think about what could have been. What could have happened. Then I decay inside. One, two, the look of adoration in your eyes still haunts me like I saw you get hit by a car. I still am haunted by images of you. you. you. I had a dream last night. We were together in this haunted place. But it was like paradise, not just because of the waterfalls and beaches. Because I was there with you. We wanted each other and we never got together. We were so close. I hate dreaming of you, baby. Because when I wake up I'm happy like I just won the lottery, till I plummet into a pit of sadness because you'll never be here again. Life's not fair. I've learned that. But haven't I suffered enough injustices to deserve you?
I still love you.
It's been almost a year now and you're still on my mind. The fact that you're in my life every day doesn't help getting over you. We met a year ago at the barbeque, I was young and shy, and you were just you. We began to talk and hit it off right away. By the end of the night, we had exchanged e-mails and talked for days on end after that. September came and we ended up attending the same high school. You were a year older, but that didn't stop you from talking to me. We'd meet up everyday after school and you'd wait with me for my dad. Like a normal routine, one that I never wanted to give up. I began to like you, more and more each day. The fact was, I liked you more than a friend. You found out I liked you and at the time you were dating my old friend, one from middle school, whom you accidently met one night when I saw you at the movies and I was with her. You ended up breaking up with her a few days later, the fact that I was hurt, and you're old girlfriend still loved you were fresh in your mind and you couldn't take it all. So you broke up with her, and left me alone, went back to your ex-girlfriend and fell in love. We still met up every day, we still talked all the time. The fact was my heart was breaking, and you didnt want to 'ruin the friendship'. I knew that was a line, every girl had heard it before, so I set my sights on getting over you, something that would take me a while. After a few months, a few weeks, they all went by. Your girlfriend broke up with you for another guy. Me and you got closer, just as friends but still. It became harder and harder to get over you, I didnt just want to be a friend. Now you're pining over her, and I'm still here. I'm all alone and you dont care. We had plans one night, just you and me, cause I hadn't seen you in a few weeks. You said you'd call me, you had a errand to run, so I turned my cell on, and awaited your call. You never called me, my phone never rang. You broke my heart, the blame completely on you. I confronted you later that night, on msn. You said you'd gone out with your mom and old friends, I asked you why you didn't call to say you couldn't come, you said you were a fucking idiot, and you had forgotten completely. It still broke my heart to realize I was forgotten. But you're my best friend, so I forgave you. I'm still trying to get over you, I'll try for a while. But I just want to tell you that you hurt me. And that I'll always be here. But please dont hurt me, cause one day, I may never come back to you.
It's been almost a week now since I got that phone call. Even though it broke my heart I didn't cry, you taught me a long time ago that you are truly a waste of tears. As you sat there and told me you valued me as a friend, you also told me that you let your girlfriend sit there and send me degrading messages. You continue to talk about how you would have felt bad if you took YOUR cell phone away from her because she would be mad. You do not deserve me as a friend if you are going to let others be mean to me. When you started telling me how you were back together, I thought about all the times when we were together and how you would tell me how awful she treated you and you would never go back to her. And talking to you just days before and telling me you didn't think it was worth it. So now I stand in my place, and point my finger and sort of laugh, as I cry at the same time. I told you that I would lose you if you got a girlfriend this summer, especially if it was her. I have lost you because we are talking less and less now, and its getting more awkward, I told you. I just wish things could be the way they were before...after we broke up and before we messed up. We could call each other at 4 in the morning and just talk, you're the only person I could do that with but that would be wrong if I did that now. I just want to let you know that I love you, and always will but I'm moving on. I wish I could put into words how I still wish I could be the one that makes you smile, I wish I could be the one you call up when you're having a bad day and are upset, I wish I could be the one that you call at 4 in the morning just to talk when you're bored and can't sleep, I wish I could be the only girl in your life. I know this sounds selfish, and it is, but you were my world through some of my toughest times this year and I don't know what I would have done without you. If you aren't around next year I won't survive without you. Please, if she doesn't let you talk to me, if she will never let you see me again, just don't forget me and remember what we had. I love you and miss you a lot, I just hope you'll realize what you're doing before it's too late....
Hello Old friend of mine,
i dont know why you act the way you do. You are always changing your mind about things and throwing me off. I miss hanging out with you and telling you things. We used to be able to stay up all night long and talk about everything on our minds. You told me so much and i did the same- i had told you how i felt like i wanted to die so often and i had told you how i felt as if Taylor hated me when she was like my best friend. We shared so much but now your whole life revolves around guys. You ruin my life by stealing all the guys i like, even if they like me. You make them fall for you so i cannot be happy. I havent talked to you in weeks. it is because you make these guys fall for you and you turn them against me. You dont want me to be happy even though you act as if you do. I hate you for ruining me and causing me so much pain, I hate you for being beautiful, but i hate you for letting me hate you.
wow. it's amazing how much i miss seeing you everyday. i wish i could talk to you. i'm ready to tell you how i feel, i'm ready to go into a relationship with you, i'm not afraid this time. you haven't responded to my emails. but it's fine, i just hope at one point this summer i cross your mind, i don't care if it's only for a split second. i hope to see you soon. i love you, and i'll probably feel the same way forever.