i miss you. probably more than you will ever know. you're all i ever think about and i dont know why. you broke my heart. i should have stopped caring about you. but no, i care about you just as much as i always have. you'll never know how much this is killing me inside. you'll never know how much you hurt me. i cant talk to you because i lose the ability to speak when im around you. all i can do is smile on the outside and cry on the inside and think to myself, "do you still care? did you ever care>"
i miss everything about you. your smile. your eyes that i would always get lost in. your voice. the way you used to look at me when you would play "pretty woman" during band and sing. the way your voice got softer when you would get serious. the way you would kiss me when we were alone. the way you tickled me, even though i always said i hated it. the 9:00 phone calls every night. the way you made me feel special.. wanted.. loved.
You- I wish you knew I was alive. I have the biggest thing for you and You don't notice me. You never say Hi. You just look. I hate being un noticed to you. Everyone else notices me and laughs at the things I say. I wish you would to because than I could think that you thougth of my as a fucking friend. BUT you don't. You don't notice me.
John, You mother fucking bastard. I never should have IMed you. I never should have responded to your pathetic words. I never should have believed your suicide threats. I never should have called you. I never should have tried to explain things to you. But I did. And now things are worse. What does my sex life have to do with you? You keep saying that I wasn't ready to have sex with you, but it's fine for me to do it with other guys. That's exactly it. I wasn't ready with you. Those other guys, they don't mean anything to me. John, I loved you, I really did. And you held that against me. But I moved on. I wasn't going to wait around forever. You didn't want me anymore. No matter how hard I tried, you didn't want me. I learned to accept that. I moved on. I got a life. I became a whole person without you. I didn't need you to stand on my own two feet. I'm Elizabeth Daly Fricker, and I don't need you to get through the day anymore. And now you say you still love me? Now that I don't want you, you can't live without me. Now that I'm happy with someone else, you think I'm the only girl for you. I won't play that game. No, I won't be that stupid again. So here's one last toast to us, baby. Raise your glass and fake a smile, 'cause this is last time I'll be writing about you. With all my heart, Elizabeth
I wish I had never met you, at times. You think I'm a bitter cold hearted bitch, with no feelings. Well I never told you that I thought you were a worthless drunk, and an abusive fucking player. And just because it is over between us, don't think I forgot all those times you beat the shit out of me, and made me feel like nothing. I wish I could take back all the times I didn't leave you. I don't understand how I stayed around just to be treated like shit. You made me into your little housewifey bitch, well fuck that. And don't ever say you fucking love me, or call me baby, just so people think we are still "cool", cause sweetie you need to fucking face it, I'm done with you.
To you, Why is it that it's only after someone steals my heart they show me their true colors? Why is it that as soon as I let my guard down you swoop in and hit me where it hurts? How can you look at me like that and then just get up and leave for such an assanine reason? If you really cared about me, which I know you do, you'd just suck it up and let me make a mistake. I'm really confused right now.. I'm trying out my options. I'm not strong enough to "take care of it on my own"... so why are you pushing me? I want to stop feeling this way.. and the medicine helps that. Why is that so hard to understand? You're educated enough. As harsh as it may sound, I think that's your problem. You're educated, but you don't understand. You think there's all a simple explination. That illnesses can be cured by thinking them away. Well guess what, when you are abused for 15 years it takes a little more than thinking to make that pain go away. So maybe that's what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to admit that I am weak.. or that medicine or ANYTHING controls me. I control the decisions I make-- you said that yourself right? Well here I am deciding that I want to take this medicine and see what happens. And here I am deciding that I am friggen falling for you and getting more scared with every inch I fall. You can't play this game with my heart. Either you care about me and you stick around, or you don't and you leave. It's that simple. My heart doesn't have a switch that can be turned on or off. The more I see you, the more I feel it. You have captured a part of me. You have reached a part of me that no one else has. No one has ever been able to make me smile the way you do. I care about you a lot and it sucks that I can't even tell you that because I have to be chill and not talk about us. I'm tired of not talking about us. I'm tired of not talking. I'm not ready for a serious relationship.. but I'm ready to stop worrying that today you're gonna leave and you're not gonna be around anymore. I'm ready to just take that leap and be with you. I'm ready to know that when you hold me as we fall asleep you're doing it because you care about me, and not because you care about the physical relationship. I don't need that. I need you... but I don't need you if you don't need me. I don't think I could explain it any other way. I'm willing to wait for you.. but you gotta continue showing me that you are worth waiting for.
Dear friend, I`m sorry you ever got too cool. I miss the times when we could just hang out & talk, or laugh, in public . I miss how at school you were always with me, and we always had something to talk about. Now whenever you are around you just tell me about guys, or about who was looking at your ass. Yeah, I dont care. All of a sudden you got pretty and it was like I didnt matter anymore. I wasted last year trying to keep our friendship alive while you told everyone behind my back that you hated me. And now that I am moving on you are making it seem like I am the bitch, but really, we all know its you. You keep saying I`m ditching you, but if you came with us to the mall or the movies you would ditch us the second a guy came within twenty feet. You talk about how depressed you are and how "broken" your heart is, but everyone knows your fake. You want attention, and you will do anything, even cut yourself to get it. You are a pathetic attention whore and I dont want to bother trying to be friends anymore.
And another thing, i cant believe i thought you were my best friend even after you stole every guy I ever liked. Whenever I told you I liked someone you went and flirted with them until they fell for you. Thanks a lot.
I wish I could sit here and say I wish I had never met you, but I can't. As much as you put me through, you made me stronger in the long run. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't despise you. I don't hate people, and you're the only one who can ever come close to me truely hating. How could you say those things to me? Could you say them to anyone else? Or am I the only one you'd ever think of hurting that badly? Two years on and off I wasted on you. Two fucking years. For two years, I couldn't think of anyone else, and when I did, you were still there in the back of my mind. For two years, I had to hear about other girls you wanted and got with when we were split up. For two years, I listened to your lies of how much you cared about me when we were together. For two fucking long years, I had to hear you tell me I was worthless. I had to year you tell me I was nothing; that no guy would ever want me for anything more than what I would "do" with him. That every guy I come across would use me except for you. That you were the only one that would ever consider me, and that you believed you were even crazy for doing so. And for two fucking years, I believed you. I watched other guys pass me by. I watched them use me right before my eyes. And I watched myself turn down decent, honest people, because you made me afraid. You made me afraid to be with anyone else. You made me scared to care about anyone else. You took a part of me that I can never get back - my confidence - and I loathe you for it. I'm slowly gaining it back, and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I'm alright without you. I don't need you. I don't even want to hear your name ever again. But all I ask is to never put another girl through what you put me through. Never make another girl feel that pain. And I hope you rest assured that I will be better without you, I will find someone who honestly cares about me, and you will spend your life lost and alone, wishing you never let go of the girl who would have done anything for you. Have a nice life.
dear jonathan liang, i am amazingly happy that we are together again. i love you more than anyone. and they say if you love something let it go if it comes back it was meant to be. we let eachother go. and look almost 7 months later we came back. we were totally meant to be. and i can't picture a future without you. i love you so much <333. -casey.