June 21st, 2004

(no subject)

Dear everyone, no one, anyone, who knows,

Nothing is ever the way it should be, the way I want it to be, those are two totally different things but I can't help it. I want so many things right now but I can't think of a single one, I want so much for me and for you and for him and for her, but I don't know how to achieve what I want. I'd give up everything I had for you, for your happiness and wellbeing, but I don't know if that's right, nor do I know if it applies singularly to you. Nor do I know if I want it to. If I cared for no one and nothing then everything would be different and easy and it still wouldn't be right, or good enough. It never is. What can I do to fix this, to fix me, and to fix everyone else? Maybe everyone doesn't need it, maybe it's just me. I found something wonderful, but everything isn't right, it should be but it isn't, and I know things are wrong but I don't know how to stop them, so I don't know what to do and all is useless and I'm left alone right now anyway. But maybe it's best that I'm alone, because when I'm not then I dig this hole farther and farther and I can no longer climb out without tearing the edges, getting messy, and pushing back all those close to me. Except one who would help me out, but I don't know how long I can rely on that, and I don't want to have to rely on that. I want to rely on nothing but myself, not because I don't trust others but because I hate to burden them. Life isn't fair, nothing is fair, but I'm the most unfair because I continue to hurt them without a care, or, even if I do care, it doesn't matter because I've already fucked up.

I think I'm going to go cry.

<3, Susan