June 19th, 2004


(no subject)

Dear you

Damn you to the 9th circle of hell. Damn you for putting me last when i put you first. Damn you for lying. Damn you for making me care.  I think you get some kind of twised fked up enjoyment out of the control you have over me- Yes an email from you can send me crashing, even after a great day. Is that what you want to hear? Well there you GO.  Are you happy now?!?!?!?!?!? And the really fing hilarious part about this is, you didnt even say anything hurtfull. And i think i almost would have preffered that. At least that would have shown some emotion, rather then the constant apathy you seem to display at your convieninece. If this is love then what the hell does pain feel like? And you know what else, you dont love me. If you did you wouldnt do this.. And don't feed me the bullshit about obligations, you have a fking obligation to me, to follow through, to not lie, to at least act like you care. God you dont seem to get this, and the thing is your not dumb- but i'm no longer open to accepting apolgies. I am done. %110 done- you can fk over somone else for a change. Or with any luck someone will do it to you.  And when you hurt so bad you can barely breath, and you want to call me and come over and cry to me and kiss me- GUESS what. I will not be here. I will not be cried on or kissed- Not by you anyway.  Stop by, i want to say goodbye to you properly, i want everything you gave me back in your face. I want to see the pain in your eyes when i tell you i know longer care. I want to hear you say, i love you, and i want to hear your voice crack when you say it. And i want to smile and tell you that honestly i couldnt give a fucking damn.  That is what i want to do. And you know what, for once i'm going to do it.. I won't back down this time. Go ahead see if your beautifull eyes can betray me again.  I hope you miss me. I hope you realize just how much you cared once i dont anymore.  Yes of coarse i still do, but you don't need to know that. I am going to see you in pain this time. For once it will not be me that has been stabbed through the heart, it will be you- and after we'll see how strong you really are... Because with anyluck i am going to break you.

 "Your calling 2 late. 2 late to be gracious you do not warrant long goodbye's"

"You know that you are worthless and i am better then the games that you play"

(no subject)

Dear You,

I wrote this song for you. I hope you like it. It's called 'Before':

Say my name, the way you said it before, before when less was more,
before we were broken hearted
It's not the same anymore,
I only remember the way you made me feel, you were the one that helped me deal

( Bridge )
You were the one that made me want to care, it didn't matter if you weren't there
I still knew that you were mine...

( Chours )
I wish I could say my feelings in a better way, I live to see you everyday,
I may make no sense, but I'm trying hard to say that I'm head-over-heels for you.

You were a grain of sand in the universe to many, all but me, you were the universe to me
I was happy but I thought I needed more, so it ended too soon
I may never be able to hear you say my name again like before,
before I wanted more...

( Bridge )
( Chours )

I lost the universe, that's my last regret
Now my heart is in debt,
no love for too long, I can't be strong...

( Bridge )
( Chours x2 )

I love you. Always have, always will. I miss you. You're incredible. Later.

  • Current Mood
    blah blah

I threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel...eyes of a tragedy

To my dearest Gerald Martin,

Do you realize how difficult it is to balance being happy for you and being your friend...with keeping my d i s t a n c e and letting myself heal?

It's a no win situation. If I didn't have you in my life at all I would be miserable. But I can not begin to explain to you how discouraging it is to know that you can not even LET me love you anymore, let alone do so yourself.

You mean the world to me. Whatever you do, whatever happens, just don't forget about me.

I will go on loving you, however. Hope you don't mind.

  • Current Music
    Suteki da ne - Final Fantasy

A letter i`ll never send

Dear you,

     I think you`re fake. I think you really wish you were depressed because you think its cool. I think you have a couple problems and you make way too big a deal out of them just for attention. I used to want to be your friend because you were funny, but now that the new fad is being sad I don`t want to be your friend at all. I want to be friends with someone who will show how they really feel, & not just act one way cause it`s "cool." You know what, when you`re not begging for attention, you`re really fun to be around. Like the time we went to the mall and had the waiter bring us sugar-packets, or how you wrote your number down on the napkin & gave it to him even though he was like 20. I love it when we can just hang out like that. But I hate when you do things for attention, and I hate how you talk about how much your life sucks. I wish you would look around & just be thankful. And I know I`m a hypocrite but at least I don`t go around telling everything with ears that I am depressed & my life sucks. At least I try to be happy, or at least look happy.

And I hate that out of all these feelings mixed up inside me right now, the strongest ones are:

Hate, but not hate for you. Self hate. I hate everything I have ever done that is just like you.

And I feel sorry. I wish I didnt, but I know I am going to be the one to apologize.

</3 Pinky