June 14th, 2004


(no subject)

Dear Guy I Met at the Third Eye Blind Concert:
How are you?  I think of you often. And how I kick myself we didnt exchanbe contact info. I only pray someday our paths cross again.  I still smile about the time you and ur friend at the concert turned around and smiled at me and hugged me. how u sung th chorus of "blinded" to me and how u pointed to me when u sang a lot of the songs.  how we both agreed that "Motorcycle Driveby" had changed our lives.  I remember how you smiled when i sang all the songs.  You looked like you had been through a lot. i wanted to get to know you. but all i did was stand there and look at you and you stared back. and then i turned and left. why did i do that? i could've been hanging out with you today.  Third Eye Blind is my fave band, and I think it is yours too.


The girl at the 3eb concert.

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    Smile Empty Sould CD

(no subject)


Rachel, you're gorgeous. You're already thirteen and have experienced more in life than I have. I watch you go places, do things, and feel things I never have. I miss your nine year old self. The little, innocent girl you used to be. It makes me cry realizing you are already going to be an 8th grader, "queen of the school." You tell me about how you're in love. You are so cute, I don't watch you getting hurt. I know you love your friends, but some are just so bad. I'm worried, that's all. I know they're nice people, but one has had sex twice. She's done drugs. The rest, if they haven't done drugs, are so curious and will jump at the chance to get high whenever. I'm so scared Rachel. You're growing up way too fast for me, please slow down. Everyone in the family is watching out for you, don't you understand that? But it's just because we all love you. I know I get mad at you a lot, most of it's just jealousy. I wish I could be living the life you are. Instead, I'm not. But I'm happy for the way things are going for you. You're so down to earth, you can make friends, people love you, they go to you for advice. You're admired by so many people, and guys. I don't know, I just miss you. I miss being able to hang out with you before you thought I wasn't so cool. Before it didn't matter, I was your older sister, it was cool to hang out with me. Well, times change..I guess I need to move on.

And Amber..when will you ever learn to love? You've hurt me so much, I don't think you have any idea. I know I go into your room, and I've taken things when I shouldn't have. But why do you let it bother you so much when you do the same to me? And I know I'm chubby, but thanks for going and rubbing it in my face every day as if I don't know. You know, you don't have a perfect figure yourself, but does that stop me from hating you? No. I have so much anger built up, and every time you do something that triggers it I just want you hit you. But I know you'll just beat me up even harder. I'd like to say I miss the days we got along, where everything was good with us. But you know what, it never has been. Things have always sucked with us. You beat up Mommy, you disrespect Dad. When will you change? Will you ever? Grandma Jane seems to have faith in you that you will. I hope she's right. I'd like to get to know you, and I'd like you to get to know me. Ask me why I like what I like, instead of criticize me. Try being nice to me when you don't want me to talk with you somewhere, you just want to because I'm your sister. I know you have feelings, I've seen you cry. I just wish maybe one day it'd be over me.

The other sister.
I love Moulin Rouge.

<< I'll say the words out loud >>

Um. I'm not sure whether or not to post this. In fact... I'm posting it here cos I figure there's less chance of any of you seeing it. Guess I'm a coward but I don't want to hurt anyone or annoy anyone. I'm sure Johnny doesn't need this too ^^;

To all of you who've been there and watched me fuck up my life...

Okay about what I was saying in my livejournal yesterday. I can't hide it anymore. I have to say it. I'm in love with Johnny. I know it's true because I've had since the start of September last year to think about it. That’s about 9 months. I know what I feel. We were together, it was the best thing that’s EVER happened to me. He loved me too. He made me smile when I didn’t want to, he helped me out when I was scared - even when I thought I was pregnant he stood by me and I didn’t fall apart. He was all I needed, the glue holding me together I guess. I broke up with him because I got scared. It was going so well, I loved him so much - and I broke up with him? I just got scared of how well it was going really. I’m an IDIOT, I know that now.

I even got a second chance - I didn’t deserve that. One day after school he waited with me for my train and when it arrived he hugged me goodbye and then kissed me. It remains the best kiss I ever ever had, even if he doesn’t feel the same. We got back together after that. But I did the same thing - freaked out. We broke up. Since then I’ve cried each night because I know I screwed up worse, and there’ll be no third chance for me. Ever. I know I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll never get him back. Last night I read all the letters he gave me and I cried even more than usual. It was even like physical pain because I’m SUCH A FUCKING STUPID GODDAMN IDIOT. I feel so alone and unloved… but who’s fault is that? Mine.

I’m REALLY sorry if anyone did see this and it hurt you or offended you or annoyed you or something.. But I had to get it out. I’m sorry, I just can’t hide something so big. I’m pathetic.. I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY! I originally planned to post this in my Livejournal but I couldn’t do it, just in case… Well hey, I’m probably even more hated now. Hollie wouldn’t talk to me before… and I guess a lot of people would turn against me if they knew this. I’m so sorry :’(

It's the regret that hurts the most.
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    lonely regretful.

(no subject)

I konw you cant love me back and I'm sorry for all times I made you cry for feeling guilty. I still love you no matter what guy you are with. I still dont know what happened to all the letters you wrote me, but if you did take them, I really want them back. They have such a sentimental value to me, those letters are my last shred of mortality...I dont think that you will ever understand. And I know that you are gay and always will be, but I wish you wouldnt say things like you regret our first kiss-it meant the world to me. I hat ehow you say things like that...you might as will ripe my heart out and nail it to the bottom of your shoe so you could break it again and again.

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    restless restless

(no subject)

Dear Body Fat,
Why don't you go away? I run from you. I starve you to death yet you won't die. You have disguised yourself as overgrown bones for so long that I didn't notice what you really are. You are suffocating me and I need you to get off my back. Give me some air. You cause me so much drama that I just can't keep you around anymore. Get the hint and hit the road!! Why don't you go away?

dear you.

Dear you,

you fucked our friendship, so don't even try to blame things on me. I didn't lie to you about drugs or drinks. you did. you promised you would stop because of your meds, and you didn't you just lied even more. And everyone was telling me that you still kept doing shit, you lied to me all the fucking time. All you fucking are are lies lies LIES and more fucking lies. You want everyone to fucking pity you. Guess what i don't. I could be pulling "pity me" too but i don't because pity isn't a fucking comlament. Your so dumb. You say that i won't drop anything so we can start over, guess what, what you did was the last fucking straw. we can't rebuild our friendship that you built with lies. you just used and abused me, you always took me for fucking granted. But now you've lost me and your losing everyone else. You have no best friends. Because no one fucking trusts you. You make me mad, and sometimes i feel bad for you but than everyone reminds me of what you did and than i don't. It's over. We'll never get back the friendship we had before you fucked up e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

</3 cait.
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