Dear Jessie, i cant tell u how many times ive re-read this post and thought about what i might say.. or do.. in response to what u have written..and each time i got a little more speechless, and felt a little more guilty for whats been going on. i even printed this post out and read it to myself in my room. maybe cried once or twice, even. and so now here i am finally writing back. i want to start by saying im really sorry for adding to the hard parts of your life. i always thought of us as best friends. and well i guess it was a BIG shock when u wrote that we never really had close friendship. cuz i always felt like i could tell u anything and ive always enjoyed ur company. and i know its not highschool anymore, but i still remember how i used to rush off the bus to meet you at the cafeteria and exchange notes and new info about the guys that we liked. and how u used to show me ur drawings and let me read ur books and stories and poems. and i remember how u taught me about different bands i never knew about and we used to talk on the phone for hours. i remember how we had big plans.. having a band..going to borders.. i still wont go in borders.. still waiting for the day we go in there together... i pass it everyday, but it doesnt seem to hold the same excitement thinking of going int there alone..
but ur right. I HAVE been distant.. even tho i hate to admit it, i still try to hold a little piece of me from the world. im afraid to be a COMPLETE person to anyone. maybe cuz of all the burns.. or maybe because im just afraid. but im sorry i wasnt a closer friend. now i feel guilty for you working on the blanket for me. i dont deserve ur time and effort. i dont even deserve to be in ur thoughts. ur a great friend. and yet i keep being depressed thinking i have no friends and i always had u and i know i still do and im sorry i kept u up at night losing sleep over me. and wondering whether i really would kill myself or not. and im glad u told us the truth about whats been going on. i always was wondering how u got ur income, but i was afraid to ask you. i didnt want to be nosy. but ur my friend, i should i have seen beneath the service.
but i am really glad u are getting help and going out there on ur own. im sorry u are struggling with the identity crisis, but u know, i know how u feel. im black and all my life until i moved here (in this park), people hated me cuz of my skin color, my hair and my nose. some people still talk about me and call me names. but the difference between then and now is that i dont care what they think. i loved hanging with u and my other friends because i never felt like a color, just a person. and that was great.
in a way, i always felt like u wanted me to be Gothic. but i know u are not that kinda person, but i guess i always felt like i wasnt the person u wanted me to be. and im really sorry about this. But anyways, I'm sorry and Thanks for being my friend, and i like reading about ur posts. and im glad we are still in touch. im sorry i dont call, but i thought that this was great that we were still being together and i felt closer to u. but maybe i am just a fake. i wish i could let u get to know me more, but i dont even know myself. Well I love you and ill be talking to you online soon.
Love Always, Me
outkast - roses (hope this song doesnt remind u of me) :*(
I miss you so much. I wish you never died. Maybe if i sat in the back of the van with you, I could have stopped the impact from killing you. Or maybe if I had run faster to call 911 you might be here with me now. You didn't deserve to die. You were so young. Its not right when an 8 year old dies. You died with out knowing so many things. You never knew that santa wasn't real, or the tooth fairy. You never had a first crush or a first kiss, or a first date. I miss you so much. So does mom and dad. Nathan is taking it really hard, and mom cries alot. Dad is still in a state of shock, he cant belive that youre gone...neither can I. I'd give anything just to see you once more. Hug you, see you breathe, see you awake, see you your normal color, and not that awful purple that slowly took over your face. I just want you back, I'd give anything to have you back where you belong. I love you so much Adam.
How dare you see him and miss him again even after you knew he changed. You're stupid for ever thinking he loved you and for ever thinking that in the end you'd be with him. Robin that was just stupid middle school dreaming.
How dare you fall for someone else who is still in love with an ex. How can you put yourself in that situtation where you want to love them and you know that they can't or won't love you back. I just don't understand how you can do that to yourself everytime no matter who it is.
Do you realize that almost every guy you've dated has been in love with someone else and you've been okay with that. I don't see how you can be okay with being second in everyone else's life, do you not think you're better then that. Do you not understand that some say you could do better. When you explain the relationship you have with this guy now everyone seems to look at you in disbelief questioning why you don't want more or how you can deal with it. I think I know, but it's not excuse. You should have more self-esteem then that, more self-confidence, more...more anything for yourself.
How can you leave behind a school you're doing well in just because the administration may frustrate you. Get over it, frustrated or not you'd give up a lot if you left, I'll find a way to keep you sane if you stay I'm sure your parents will help too if you ask.
But you're to afraid to ask them. To afraid to tell them the thoughts running through your head and sometimes when they do see just a little glipse of your true self they think it's just an outburst. It's your fault you don't let them in.
It's your fault. you know that you wrote about that for your memior. You asked everyone to place blame on you and you were once okay with that, so why now are you so upset that you suddenly want to run away from the world. Why did you ever think that people wouldn't blame you. I'm glad you can be honest and admit that there are a lot of people out there who hate you but somewhere in this world there might be someone who loves you like you are cabable of loving them.
sincerely, burninginhell p.s. my names Robin P.s.s for those not smart enough to figure it out, this is to myself about by life. Sometimes I just don't understand myself.
"purple flower forest" you used to be my friends and i would have fought to the death for you. you forgot me, how can you wonder why i dont smile at you. i dont want to be taken for granted. im not the only one who feels the same. your going to wake up one day and realise you alienated everone who loved you. k.okey