June 11th, 2004

woot for accidently deleting a post, and then reposting two seconds later...

(posted twice because i was stupid and didn't mean to delete the first one)

So, these are just things that I wrote down in my journal thing. Some are just small, random thoughts...others mean more.

Breathing is hard
Finding a reason to wake up in the morning is getting even harder.

Living, truly living, means dying.

I need you more than the air in my lungs, and I'm worried that you don't need me anymore than water in yours.

Long nights gazing at the stars alone.
Listening to the sounds of the night and wondering if you ever wonder how I am.
If I'm okay without you here to guide me.
Because I need something
Don't know what
need someone to come and save me from myself.
thoughts overpowering my brain.
can't shut them off
thoughts of you
wondering where you went and why that place had to be away from me.
and i wonder, if you wonder...
because i need something
don't know what
need someone to come and save me from myself
cuz i can't do this alone
do you know?

why am i the one who always ends up waiting? like now, as the cool night breeze blows by, I wait for you once again. Wondering if you're okay. I can hear the train, five miles away and I'm thinking maybe you got on and it took you away. Onto a new life. A new town. New friends. Maybe that's what you want. Maybe that's what you need. Am I holding you back? Holding you back from living your dream?
You're still not here. And do you know how much it hurt when you said you were going away for the summer? Your last summer here...our last summer together before you make that new life for yourself in that new city with those new friends. Forget me, I'm just holding you back from living your big dreams.
And I don't want to be that person who deprives the world of your ideas, your passion to be the best, your happiness that you spread without even knowing it.

Another car passes by
And i think it's you but i don't know why.
once again, i find myself waiting.
But i'd wait forever for you.
Just to see you one last time before you go.

I have a feeling that you're not coming once again.
The suspicions and fears rise with every gentle blow of the summer wind through the leaves.
But if summer's here, then why does it feel like autumn?

Watching yourself falling.
Can't stop yourself as you crash on your bed.
Feeling your self drowning.
Can't stop these thoughts from passing through your head.

Yep, that's it. Some were fueled by different songs i've been listening to. I didn't mean for them to sound all, ooo, i loooovvvveeee you like that...becuase i don't...just friends...sisters even...gah...rambling...sorry

(no subject)

Dear Brian-

I don't know why I'm writing this, because you're going to read this anyway. I don't know why it seems so urgent all of a sudden, but I just had to tell you that I love you.

Yes, me. Tori. The one who's sworn off love forever, thus becoming a guys ideal best friend? Yeah, hi. Well, I love you. I said it. I'll say it again too. I'll say it as many times as it takes for it to get through your head.

I love the way you make fun of me without really meaning it, and I love the way that you make fun of everyone else and mean it. I love the way your hair falls in your face while you're tickling me, and I love the way you try not to laugh when I tickle you back. I love the way you ditch me unintentionaly for Ben, and I love the way you ditch everyone intentionally for me.

This letter was pointless. It did have a point at one time, but now it doesn't. I love you. 'Tis all.

  • Current Music
    alexisonfire ; pulmonary archery
I love Moulin Rouge.

Some day we'll be together.

Dear Kitty,

You don't know how much trouble you caused back then, you really don't! But you also gave me joy at the same time. I panicked so much - "what if it's positive? What'll I tell my mum?" but still you comforted me. You were there, in my head at least. I could picture your face, your eyes, your hands. I wanted you to be there with me, but I knew how bad that would be also - all the negative things. It would have been bad for a few reasons, but I was with Johnny at the time and he supported me. He looked after me and I'm immensley thankful for that - I think he knew how much you meant to me, and we had a few conversations about you. Then on that Saturday I was with him and Michaela. I found out it wasn't true. But Johnny was, and Michaela was, and they made me realise it was better that way. Michaela told me what I was feeling was completely natural. Johnny told me it would be better if I saw you later in my life. To be honest, I thought I'd still be with him then. I really did. I knew that would make you happy. But now I don't know when I'll see you. But I know I will. I know it.

You're still in my heart, always. That week of worry is still in my heart too, you, Michaela and Johnny were the closest people to me and I thank you. I love you.

Lisa x

I dont know wat i'm meant to feel

About you...

Its been a while, bout 4 months. Its strange, i never really talked to anyone about it except maybe tim. I gess ppl say stuff to me bout you but ive just kept my thoughts hidden. I dont know wat to feel, i still feel hesitant sometimes.
I feel guilty i gess, you called me a few times but i was surprised wen you did and i didnt feel like talking to you. I dont know, i just didnt want to get close to you coz there was something bout you that i wasnt certain about.
I cried about you, i dont know why. I feel like a bitch. I wasnt even close to you but theres some pain in there. Am i meant to feel anything? I'm sorry for being a bitch, sorry for not wanting to talk to you, sorry for wanting to avoid seeing you.
I still hav ur number in my fone. I dont know wat i'm gona do wid it...am i spose to leave it there? I dont know. Its weird coz sometimes i think i see you but no, its someone i dont know.
I'm sorry.

thoughts from me
  • Current Music
    Memories - Gackt

(no subject)

Dear John,

I smoked with your best friend. It was fun. I don't regret it at all.

I don't want to smoke with you. I don't like you when you're high. You're a jerk.

I still like you enough to not want to be around you when you're a jerk.