June 10th, 2004

This is really long

Dear Chaz,

Remember when we first met, that day was so amazing. When I looked at you, and your eye caught mine, I knew we had something. Our first date was incredible. You made me feel so safe, so wanted. The entire time we dated I felt like there was no possible way I could get enough of you. Even when we spent the entire weekend together, and we'd fall asleep in each others arms, wake up to one another's kiss, it wasn't enough for me. How selfish, I know. I remember when we had to go two weeks without seeing each other. Do you remember that? It was right after our big fight. We made up just hours after that, but you had to away for Christmas. Not seeing you made me so depressed, I thought I'd never make it. I made myself sick over it. Then when you called me on my birthday, on the first of January, I immediately knew I'd be ok.

When I heard that you were interested in another girl...
I was speechless. I thought I would be your only girl. Three nights in a row I cried myself to sleep because I didn't want to see you with anyone but me. I didnt want to see myself with anyone but you.

I remember it was a Tuesday night. I couldnt sleep. All I thought about was you. I wrote you a letter. I never gave it to you. Instead you called me, and thats where you said those words that I dreaded you would say.

"I'm breaking up with you."

How could you do that? How could you do that to me, to you, to us? I thought when you said ''forever'', you meant ''forever''. I guess not. Well that's alright. Life wasn't too great after you left. I'd see you in the halls after lunch, on my way to Spanish. I never told you this, but I didn't have to go down that hall, the same hall your class was in. I could have gone straight to Spanish. But nope, I just had to see you, every day. Whenever you waved to me, or said hi to me, My heart skipped a beat. I lived for the moments where you'd see me and say something. Anything. Just knowing I was acknowledged by you made my whole day brighten.

I can't believe you fell for Teri. Who could? How could YOU? When you told me that, I refused to believe it. When I found out she was leading you on, I was so happy. I'm not going to lie and say I felt bad. I didnt. I was happy. I wanted you to hurt the same way you hurt me. Even though you hurt me, I still hoped for a chance with you.

The day you left school to move to your new school was the worst day. I thought you were staying two more weeks. When Ashley told me it was your last day, I thought I would cry. Remember when you sang "One More Day" to me? I repeated the lyrics over and over again.
"One more day,
one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still
For one more day
With you."

I never liked country much, I know you did. But I didnt. Its ok. That song made me sad. When I saw you for the last time, you smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but the muscles that helped me smile those days we were together weren't working at that moment, so I couldnt. I planned to see you after school so that I could say good bye to you. When I didn't see you, I figured you had already left. On the bus on the ride home I cried. I tried not to , but how could I not? It was so miserable without you at school. You have no idea.

As time went on, things got a little easier. I started thinking less of you, more of others. There was always one moment of each day that you crossed my mind. I thought of your family. I love your family. You really have no idea. They were so nice to me. They treated me well. Even though you always confined in me and told me about the fights your family has, i still loved them. Especially Derek. he was so cute. He reminds me so much of you.

Eventually I began to date again. I dated your best friend. Man that didn't work out at all. He reminded me of you, because thats how I met him. When him and I talked about old times, you were always mentioned. He's nothing like you though. He never had your kiss, your touch. That's what I needed.

Dating became a struggle, and I was missing you all over again. There were so many times I'd be wishing you'd come back to school, so I could see you every day. Even if we never dated. I just wanted to see you.

On May 25th, I talked to you. For the first time since you moved in February. You told me to meet you up at the school at the choir concert. I said I would. So I did. I didn't see you. I was upset and I thought maybe God intended this. I was about to leave. But I heard you laugh. When I turned to look, there you were. Your hair got longer, and your voice got deeper. You looked amazing.

We spent 20 minutes together, a wonderful 20 minutes. Then you told me you were coming back to Anchor Bay. I couldn't believe it.

You came back to my house that night so we could catch up a bit. It was nice. You filled me in on your life, and you told me how much you hate school. I still couldnt' believe you were coming back to school in the fall.

Then you looked me in the eyes and told me how much you miss me. How much you wish you never broke up with me. How much you still love me, and how I'm always on your mind even though we broke up so long ago. Then. you kissed me. I kissed you back.

You spent the night at my house the following Friday. That was cool. I was happy. We talked alot. You said how much you want to be with me. I said I missed you. I did.

When you left early the next day, I shut the door behind you. And I felt disappointed. I also felt relief.

I am over you.

I no longer need you or the memories of you to keep me happy. I can be happy on my own. I'm ok now. I'm not dependent on you.

I like having you in my life, as a friend.
I want you in my life, as a friend.
I need you in my life, as a friend.

But I dont need you in my life, as anything more.

I hope we stay friends for as long as we can. Your a great guy. I hope you come back to school. I really do. Anchor Bay High misses you. You belong there.

Love your friend,
rilo kiley // p o s [mexico]

(no subject)

Dear Self:

You really suck.

Nest time you get a Psychedelic Furs CD for your birthday PUT IT SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU'LL FIND IT AGAIN! Just because you don't feel like listening to it then, doesn't mean you won't ever.

When you put it somewhere "where you'll find it later" the day you are really really in the mood for it you WONT be able to find it, and will get really frustrated.


The end.

  • Current Music
    pet shop boys // what have i done to deserve this

44 Calibur Love Letter Straight From My Heart**

dear Scobie,

i'm not going to sit here &bull-shit this entire thing. i'm not like that. i'm not going to fill it up with cliché phrases. maybe it's just wishful thinking that stops us from saying what we truly feel. Thankyou for the promises &the "maybe-could-have-been"'s. if i knew then what i know now i'd cherish every precious moment. every kiss. every brushing touch. every quick glance. every feature of your painfully perfect body. i'm really in love with you &when i see you, i'll tell you more times than you can count on all your fingers &all your toes. i'll tell you everything i never said because i thought you already knew it. if i didn't feel alone, i wouldn't need others. i wouldn't need you.

♥ always,
Zoe x

we are all a part of each other - whether we like it or not.
  • Current Music
    Alexisonfire - 44 Calibur Love Letter

(no subject)

"im sick of your tattoos and the way yout appriciate brand new, or ME"


you are just you, do you see that? you dont even get a name, your a nameless face in the crowd of others, does that mean anything to you. ha, no i doubt that it does, you say i mean something to you right? i doubt that to, if i meant something to you, you would take a chance and stop wasting my time with your useless nonsense. think about that. When you grow up, i'll be here for you. untill then.


  • Current Music
    br& new "mixtape"

(no subject)

Here's what I woke up to find in my inbox yesterday morning.

From : Ryan Hart
Sent : Wednesday, June 9, 2004 9:27 PM
To : Ciera Stratton <autumn_viewpoint@hotmail.com>
Subject : I can't take being apart from you.

| | | Ryan | Inbox

I love you.

Let that sink in for a moment, then read it again.

I lost count of the number of times I have read your note. I never thought I could be that important to anyone, nor anyone could be as important to me as you are. Every time I find my mind wandering, it wanders inexorably and inevitably to you.

Time moves too slowly--why haven't you graduated yet?

How on Earth will I last to Christmas?

I'm sorry you're feeling so terribly--I think I'm getting a headache in empathy, or maybe I'm lovesick. Regardless, I love you in such a way that only mental patients dare think of, and dead poets dare express. As such, I'd better let a dead poet express it for me.

Sonnet 221
Francisco Petrarch

What fate of mine, what impulse or what lie
returns me to the fields of my surrender
without a weapon? It would be a wonder
if I escape, my loss if I should die.

Not loss, but gain. These flashes terrify
my heart, while softly stunning it with splendor
and strewing brilliant sparks upon the tinder
that fuel my hope two decades will streak by.

I hear Death's messengers each time I see
her gorgeous, distant eyes come into view;
when she draws close and turns her gaze toward me,

Love gently opens wounds, but soothes them too,
so I forget, and stammer silently,
for wit and words can't equal what is true.

In my English class, we used to remark that Petrarch was a lunatic, a stalker, what have you. I think I'm beginning to understand him now. He was in love, as am I.

I love you---
Sappy prose and cunning verse,


Every time I talk to him I fall deeper in love.
  • Current Music
    "Infected" -Bad Religion

(no subject)


So, my friend has fallen for you. The friend who introduced us. The friend you took to homecomming and then got ditched by. The friend you asked because she was your friend and had a lousy time with. The friend you spent half an hour looking for only to find out she was with another guy. And throughout all of this, you liked me?

Well, you asked me out the day after homecomming, telling me how you wanted to go with me, but you didn't realize it until after you'd asked her. Shitty. But I understood.

God that was in September. And now she's into you. I mean, really into you. She writes more about you than I ever did. And I wrote alot. My whole journal used to be rants about how much I loved you. And that's all hers has become.

You and I, we've just started talking again. We've made plans for this weekend. But now she's stepped in. It makes sense for you to fall for her. I always had a feeling you liked her. And now that she's shown interest in you, I give it maybe three days and you'll be together. She's perfect for you. She's so much more than I could ever be. She's your intellectual match. She's your sad emo girl and you're her half-indie kid. I could never be your emo girl. I wanted to be, but I can't.

Why am I so jealous? We broke up months ago. I told you I didn't love you anymore. I said I refuse to kiss you. How can I expect you not to move on. If I was you, I'd have moved on back in April when I told you that I didn't want to know you exist. I meant it then, but I don't anymore.

I don't need you anymore, you know that. I just want you. I thought that was a pretty good place to be. Now, it sucks just as much as needing you.

Always and Forever,
  • Current Music
    Saves the Day - "See You"
rick james bitch

(no subject)

Dear Rob, Brendan, Anthony, Colin, Kevin, Mike, Maureen, Lauren, and Jenna,

How did we become friends? In these past few months, we have established this amazing family. And tomorrow is our last day of high school.

I don't want to leave you all in three months. I really don't. People are telling me to let go and to move on. How can I let go of something that I just grabbed on to? How do I move away from amazing people like you?

I wasted 4 years getting to know a group of kids, and this year they showed their true colors. They lied, made me feel like shit, and destroyed all my faith I had in people. And then I met you.

And it hurts to know that this could have been my whole life.

And it hurts to miss you all this much, and we haven't even said goodbye yet...

Just Friends

Dear Dan,

I thought we were just friends. We've known each other for how long now? Three years. And we know each other pretty well, too, I'd say. Each year we get to know each other better. Especially this year. We actually became good friends this year.

But I think I'm falling for you.

I didn't even realize it until yesterday. Yes, I know, smart of me, right? To realize this on the last day of school? But today, at the completion ceremony, I didn't say anything either.

I didn't say anything because I'm scared. Yes, I. Am. Scared. I'm scared because I know you don't feel the same way. I know that we're just friends.

And to be completely honest, I don't think I want to be more than friends. If we were, we'd be destroying the relationship that we already have.

You know what one I'm talking about.

The one where we make fun of the stupid stuff everyone does. The one where we laugh at things that aren't even remotely funny. The one where you sit there and talk your head off, and I just listen and laugh when you talk about how you completely broke your skateboard, so just had to watch Trevor beat your ass in it.

The one where we're just friends.

I don't know why I'm such an idiot. You don't even like girls like me anyway. We have too much in common. You went out with Stacey, who isn't anything like me. And right now, you've got a crush on Lisa, who's practically my opposite.

So I guess we'll just have to be just friends...for both our sakes.

With Love,
  • Current Music
    Broken // Seether feat. Amy Lee

I am sick of it. Everything.

I don't know what the hell you are thinking. YOu expect everything to be just lovely after all I have watched you do, apparently out of spite of me. Trying to make a girl jealous is no way to get her back. It is impossible. And I don't know how you can 'fall madly in love' with someone who lives thousands of miles away. How do you come up with this stupid excuses. I am not stupid enough to fall for your stupid excuses anymore. I don't know why I even bothered with you. A waste of my time and emotions. A waste of everyone's time and emotions, because you just screw them over. You need to get your stories straight and your excuses covered. People figure things out. It seems some people take longer than others to figure things out. You must be the slowest of all though. You have no idea what you do to other people. You fling them around in your little game of pity, without stopping to think how it may affect them. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. You need to understand that. I probably am babbling senselessly and you won't read this, but I always give the benefit of the doubt. If you do read this, I hope you take something useful away from it.

<3 Ashley.
  • Current Music
    The TV

It's your fault

Dear Self!

It's your fault that you disobeyed your parents
It's your fault for not studying hard enough
It's your fault for not loosing weight
It's your fault that you are not passing your Spanish Class and Math Class
It's your fault that your father is dissappointed of you
It's your fault for not being pretty
It's your fault that you lost a nice friendship of Muggu and Shadi
It's your fault that both of them don't talk to you anymore as they used to
It's your fault that your mother yells at you everyday what you don't do which you are supposed to
It's your fault for believing someone soo closely that you forgot that they will hurt you soo much
It's your fault of the state you are in right now
It's your fault that your brother doesn't study only because he learns from you and you don't study so he doesn't
It's your fault that you can't open up your feelings to your friends, no matter how much they care for you
It's your fault that someone whom you believed actually took advantage of you
It's your fault that you cry without tears everyday by thinking over these things which you can't change
It's your fault for not being like any other girl
It's your fault that you never kissed a guy...infact never talked to him the way you want to
It's your fault that you realize things a little bit slow
It's your fault that you are typing this shit now which has been loaded in your mind for like last 2 years
It's your fault that you don't take any actions by even by realizing
It's all your fault.....your fault....yours'
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated