June 7th, 2004


(no subject)


That's one of the only things you've got going for you, you know? Pretty on the outside. What the hell did I do to you?

All I've done is try to be a good friend. I tried to stay in touch; I tried to be your crying shoulder, but apparently you didn't want any of that.

You know what? I'll STILL be there if you need someone to talk to, not that you'll ever talk because "men don't talk about their feelings" or something. Emo my ass. You've been nothing but a cockbite tonight.

Maybe its just me, but do you still think I love you? Because I have someone, remember? And he's sweeter than you ever were. He actually loves me, I think. As far as teenage love goes, that is. He adores me and actually WANTS to hang out; he calls...all that jazz. So thanks for giving me a taste of what a good relationship is, Mike. We were wonderful together, and now its her turn. You guys will be perfect. But my guy is just what I need right now...he showers me with attention.

I gotta hand it to you, though, bud, for finally just telling me to fuck off instead of pretending you wanted me around.

So congradulations with her. I'm so glad for her. And you, even.

Sorry that you hate me. I'm really awesome at losing friends. I should make it an art.

Unfortunately, I lose them differently each time and I'm always sort of...NOT sure why they're gone.

So thanks you, sir, I'll see you around. Maybe we'll talk about the weather, and the new so-and-so cd. You can tell me how the Blood Brothers concert went since I'm pretty sure I'm uninvited. I'd love to go, though, if you still remember my name

Peace, Love, Empathy, you bastard.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

(no subject)

dear two people,

so heres the deal.

you really need to get off my back. sometimes i get to thinking about everything and i get really tired of you and i hate you. a time like that would be now.

i mean, are the things you say and do really necassary? i think not. i feel like i dont ask shit from you, yet you dont let me do anything. i dont ever get out of this damn house. i'm fifteen years old...come on. im not suggesting i rule and own the world being this age, but you could at least cut me some goddamn slack once in awhile.

i mean, earlier i asked if i could go to fucking astroworld this weekend w/ a lot of ppl from school and you said no. like always. you dont let me go fucking anywhere with my friends EVER. im suprised i get to go to the movies with them occassionally...it seems fit that id have to BEG you first.

and yeah, i feel like you dont truly appreciate me and the odd, pure way i live life for someone my age. i mean, i dont do drugs or drink or fuck or get in trouble or fail school or do anything...and yet, i get zero-slack. i dont even have a desire to do anything bad either. im not like a LARGE portion of my classmates. and ive never done anything to lose trust in going places with friends OR HAVING A LIFE PERIOD...but yeah. who fucking cares anyway. what i think dosent mean shit i guess.

and its not that you two arent nice people. b/c you really are. and true, tomorrow you'll do something nice or ill wake up with a refreshed view, and the bitterness i feel now will be gone...but yeah. in the long-run ill still feel really bored with life. and temporary happiness shared and happy moods in this house arent getting me what i want.

all i want is for you to let me have fun and give me the rights and privileges i feel ive fucking earned and deserve.


and im starting to think this all sounds kinda awkward and bitchy...and no one who sees this will truly understand, but i dont care.
i guess this is just a lame, awkward situation in itself.

and i guess sometimes i just feel kinda punished for no reason.

yeah thats it.

you dont know how good of a daughter i am and how fucking good you have it.

the end.

  • Current Music
    the faint - 'glass danse'
I love Moulin Rouge.


Dear Linzi,

Yesterday was fun.  I liked how it was me, you, Michaela and Jane.  It just felt right.  And for once, I didn't feel like you hated me and wanted me gone.  We were all talking constantly and joking.  It made me think a lot about the past and things.  Well, not then.  I thought about it all later while I was writing my journal.  But anyway it was a lot of fun and you know, I was thinking of just staying home cos I was so sure you wouldn't want me there.  I was feeling ill, so I thought I'd just stay home.  But then I realised it's Michaela's birthday, her sixteenth, and I wasn't going to let her down just cos I was paranoid.  Now I'm really glad I didn't miss it.

Thank you so much for still being there, and for adding me back to MSN.  It's like Gwen said a long time ago, I do need you, in a way.  It really sucks when you're not around.  And even though I've been so stubborn, I can admit now that I was wrong.  I was happy for you and Rick before, then I thought maybe that's just because I'm so happy with Carl.  Now I'm alone and single and stuff, but I'm still happy for you.  That proves something, right?

Falling into memories of you and things we used to do.  Yeah.  Um guess I'll end this soon, said all I need to right now.  I just hope things go on the way they did yesterday.  Recently I guess I discovered I need you and I need Johnny and that's just the way I am.


Lisa xxx

  • Current Mood
    calm calm

i love you


Right now I'm listening to AFI and wearing your leather jacket. It smells like you.

It's almost like you're here.


I haven't stopped crying since I got off the phone with you.

Good thing I know how much you love me, or this would be really hard.

Staying in touch over the internet isn't such a bad thing.

I miss you.

  • Current Music
    AFI, in honor of Ryan.
i'm not...

(no subject)


i love you so much,
thats what drove you away isn't it? and you don't see it every time you look in my eyes? you don't see how i feel for you? and its funny, because you used to look at me a cirtain way, like every part of me was amazing and you couldn't ever look at another. and i see that look every once in a while when we play. i suppose its something everyone sees. this is what you should know:

every day when i am alone to my mind i see your face, like an imprint...a scar, something tells me to call you. then the number slips my mind. do you know why i cuoldn't sing for you? because every part of me wasn't good enough. do you know what i thought last night. the same thing i tell myself whenever i see you: "no one loves you, everything you do is wrong, you are worthless" and i cried, i cried because i belive myself, i cried because i believe you

  • Current Music
    nothing at all

i fucked up

your a stupid bitch...just look at yourself...you hurt yourself and push away ppl that actually fucking care...i dont get it...how can u destroy ur self just cuz one person pissed you off. it ridiculous ur not getting back and if u are thats not fair...thats hurts them more than you think just go to hell you stupid bitch and dont come
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off


To my dearest Greg,

I actually thought it was pure love. That I've found someone to confide in and to hold high.
Oh my beloved Greg,when the cheating and lies stop,will you tell me your true feelings? Or will you hide the precious things,like before? Will you release me from this emotional torture? Or will you sit and watch...like you have before? You leave me dangling from this string of insecure feelings and I hold on for my dear life,not wanting to loose you. But I'm not able to hold on forever so I slowly let go and I fall into darkness that unexpectantly soothes me,for that I am away from you. I realize you have betrayed me,and I walk away in silence,beginning not to care.

I don't love you anymore.

Your no longer prisoner, Heather
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

this is for dying in anothers arms and why i had to try it

Dear daddy,

When did you stop loving me? When did it become okay to leave me here all by myself? You suddenly decided I was old enough to look after myself and you bailed. Im fifteen. I told you I couldn't cope but you just don't listen. I am doing the craziest shit to myself and you're not here to stop me. This is exactly what you expected from me..I hope it lives up to your expectations. You were right, I am turning out like mum, but at least she was capable of loving me, and trying to help us. You have no right to decide that you are being a better father by living 1/2 way across the world, that should have been a joint decision.

You know what the stupidest thing is?
I still love you.
  • Current Music
    something corporate - konstantine

(no subject)


its so strange. youre gone. but it just seems like it will be for a few days, like the weekend or something, and then ill see you again. but i may never see you ever again. you said youd come visit me this summer, but i doubt it. i miss you so much it hurts.

(no subject)


We started talking again the other night. You don't know how happy I was to have a conversation with you. The next day, you asked why I said some of those crazy things about us getting back together. I told you I'd had a little to drink that night.

Now you won't talk to me. I don't understand you. You know I drink every now and then. I wasn't trashed. I had a little buzz. I knew everything I was saying.

I meant all those things I said. Us getting back together would be wrong and crazy and it wouldn't make any sense. We'd probably break up an hour later because we'd realize how idiotic the idea is. I still care about you.

We'd made plans to hang out this weekend. Catch up on things. We haven't talked that much since I told you I didn't want to know you existed. You know I don't mean that now.

You know I don't love you anymore. And I know you don't love me. But I still care about you. I don't need you anymore. I want you. And that's a pretty good place to be.

We don't have to be in love. We're so young. We don't have to commit our lives to each other. We're in highschool. I don't want to be that serious. You know me. I don't like things to be so serious.

When we were first together, we rushed into things so fast. We said we loved each other after a week. God how crazy were we?

Who knows, maybe we never really loved each other. But I know I never felt like that about anyone else. And I liked the feeling.

I hated all of our stupid fights. At the same time, I loved them.

Maybe we could try again? We don't have to fall in love. I want you in my life again. I don't like seeing you and not saying hi. I hate not talking to you.

Maybe I'm crazy. But, I'm willing to take a shot.

You bring out the best in me.

  • Current Music
    "Lady Come Down" from The Importance of Being Earnest
with some1 else (if u made this tell me)


(I'm not really religious, but this is just something that I have to do. If you choose not to read this, that's ok. But please, no comments about religion or anything...not now....)

Dear God,
I know I've done a lot of wrong things in my life. But really, this isn't about me. This is about my 15 year old cousin Jenna. She's sick. Very sick. She has cancer in her spine, her brain and her hips. When they went in for surgery they found 5 more in her spine when they only thought there was one. She's at the childrens hospital in philly. She needs some strength and some hope to pull through on this. Her family can't go through this. They shouldn't have to. Her younger sister and brother can't go through this. Her parents. No. This is aweful. Please God, I believe in miracles. Please give Jenna and her family a miracle. Please don't take her away from us.
With all of my heart,
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed