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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Sunday, June 6th, 2004

Time Event
12:19a
Joshua Allen Warner,

"You are my cock nazi and I am your boo, and the world shall forever know us as the awesomest people alive."

I couldn't have put it any better. I don't think the world was ready for us. But, more importantly, how in the world were we ready for it? Any way you look at it there is one thing we both know for sure: we were desitined to be friends. It's one of those types of relationships that no matter what happens, how much time is spent apart, or what we say or do we both always end up back where we belong... as best friends. It's the type of relationship everyone dreams of -- even me.

"But, it's not that hard to dream, you'll always be my Konstantine."

What made you call me one Thursday night in October? The world may never know. And that's okay and I'm okay because I know you're one of those "God doesn't play dice with the universe," everything happens for a reason type people and for some crazy reason you called me or maybe it was you... you and your heart. Either way, it's okay.

How do you explain our relationship? "It's crazy, I know." Because when people ask me, "why aren't you guys boyfriend/girlfriend?" all I can do is sit there and smile. I smile from the satisfaction of knowing we are best friends. When ever I talk about you or hear or see you it's all I can do to keep myself from smiling with the grimmest satisfaction about how much you love me (read: the "it's national I LOVE TESSA DAY!" text message). You make me feel like one of those girls you see on TV with all the cool guy friends that all the other girls hate because *swoon* they are so hott and you pay attention to me and you are loyal to me and not them. "There has been no other girl that has ever been able to integrate our group like you did, Tessa." Thanks for officially making me "one of the boys." How do we explain to people that we are in love but not one of those "hey, we kiss" type loves? We don't. We can't. We just do. Me gusta con todo mi corazon.

"Wow, so this is what it feels like to be young and in love." ("You're just jealous!")

And now, I just want to tell you how nice of a boy you are. It's so nice that you notice every single change in me, whether it's my body, how I move, the way I say something...anything. It's so nice that you forgive me for everything: the things I say that you doesn't want me to, my moods, my aggrivations, my quirks (and I know, there's A LOT tof them)...all of my flaws. It's so nice that you and I are so comfortable with each other, but that everything we do, even the slightest thing, is so sacred... that we can only share it. It's so nice that you and I share something that we will never share again in this lifetime. Whether that's a good or a bad thing, it's so nice to know. But, you already knew how nice you are, don't you?

And now, it's time for me to tell you how much I dislike you sometimes. For as much as you do to make a girl feel special you are, in fact, STILL a boy. And you say some pretty mean boy things to a pretty sensitive girl like: "Come over now. We're gonna go get high and drink and we need you over here because you're responsible and won't let anybody die," or, "Maybe you should wear a skirt [to Warped Tour] so maybe those legs can get us backstage, " or (possiby my favorite), "You know what the best part of our relationship is? (me: what?) Three months ago when you'd let me feel you up. Man, good times!"

I know you too well for words, Heshua. Like I know the fact that you will notice how I wrote this out instead of typing it (and my hand hurts like a mother!) and the fact that I have not sworn ONCE in this letter! And, most of all, I know how much all of those insiders ("Dude, that's scurvy!") mean to you -- even though you wouldn't show it for the world. Because I know that you don't take things forgranted. You're not childish and immature. You're rational and thoughtful. You were able to calm the once flightiness found in me and that's something you and only you will be able to claim.

Either way, I just wanted to thank you for giving me the time of my life. Thanks for showing me just how much fun you could have in a living room, or a kitchen, or a basement. Thanks for letting me your merch girl/publicist/manager when The 1985's were still around. Thanks for "protecting" me at Warped Tour. Thank you for introducing me to all kinds of great people but never wanting to encroach on all the delicate friendships I have here. Thank you for our 3 month break, because even though it was the worst, you still understood I needed it. Thanks for showing me that even though nothing's perfect, everything's worth a try. Thanks for constantly being an inspiration and never ceasing to amaze me. Thanks for motivating me to try my best and pushing me to be the best person I can be. Thanks for teaching me how to take a compliment, how to admit, and how to feel for other people. Thanks for helping me to see God and the bigger picture when all I really wanted to see was myself. Thanks for helping me to overcome my stubbornness and become more humble. Thanks for dealing with me and teaching me to deal with myself. Thanks for holding my hand and making me laugh and making me question and making me understand. Thanks for making me who I am... and should be. You really didn't have to read any of this... all you really had to read was: thank you.

Tessa Anne Coleman

P.S. BITCHES!
x
1:59a
how do you feel
michael,
i love the way i waited the whole year for you
i love the way you held me at astroworld
i love the way you held my hand in the car on the way home
i love the way you said good night
i love the way we promised we would always be friends no matter what
i love the way you asked me out
i love that i said yes
i love the way we played in the rain
i love the way my mom got mad that we were soaking wet
i love the way you looked in my clothes
i love how you said you loved being with me
i love how our first kiss was in my kitchen
i love how we would lay in my bed listening to brand new
i love how we had to stop kissing because we both wanted to sing
i love the way you smiled at me
i love the way i fell asleep in your arms
i love the way you sang to me
i love the way you always held my hand
i love the way you draw pictures
i love the way you look at me
i love the way you look when you skank
i love the way you chew on your hair
i love the way you looked with cake all over your face
i love the way you used corny lines to make me laugh
i love the way you thought you were smooth by putting your hand in my chair before i sat down
i love the way you called everyday
i love the way you played with my hair
i love how i could just stare into your eyes forever
i love the way i said "you come here often?" on the first day we met
i hate how you stopped calling
i hate how you reminded me of the promise we made
i hate how you broke up with me on the internet
i hate the way you said you didnt do it person, cause you didnt want to ruin my day,
thanks alot
i hate the way you said "i dont like you"
i hate the way you said "i cant kiss you anymore"
i hate feeling that you'll never hold me in your arms again
i hate how i lay in bed at night thinking about you
i hate how you said "i know how you feel"
i hate the way you asked me to wait for you
i hate that im gonna wait, no matter how much i dont want to
i hate how you expect me to be normal around you
i hate how im writing this about you
i hate the way i love you
i love the way i hate you
i hate the way i waited the whole year for you.

xburnx
-c-

Current Mood: relieved
12 ||x
2:18p
What my heart truly desires...
Dear Gary,
I can't believe it took me this long to see what's in front of my face. All those times I cried over guys who could never care about me the way you do. After two years, I can see clearly. I can see what fate truly wills, and what my heart truly desires. I love you. I can't even begin to describe my love. There are no words. All I can do is hope you'll give me a chance... Even though it's taken this long. It's sad, you know? It took me this long to realize, and now that I know what I want you have someone else in your life. Good for you. I deserve it, I guess. Plus, I'd be too scared to hurt you. I'm scared... you know that. I hate feeling tied down... I hate feeling like I have to do something. With you, it's different. I hate being in love. If I could stop, I would. If I could move on in my life and never get attached to anyone, you know I would. But I can't pretend anymore. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. What's the point of all this you ask? well here it is. I love you. I'm scared. But I can't stop feeling this way. And I never will.



Love always and forever,
Eri

Current Mood: restless
x
3:13p
dear you,


i hate how everything makes me thing of you, i hate that you liked me before though i didn't like you. I hate that I was the one that said we should stay firends. I hate that you agreed. because now i don't


i hate that i have the worst timing when it comes to this.


iam sorry, i never ment to fuck with your mind, ever. i love you.
but you dont care about me anymore do you?


thats what i thought.


-air

x
5:45p
short.

Dear you:

I miss you.

x
6:43p
I'm new...

Why did you do that?
Why did you have to go and do just that?
Don't you know?
Don't you understand
what it's like to be me
what it's like to have to live
up you your damn expectations?
I think I fucking hate you
I think I want to kill you
this time you went too far
this time you really got me
this time I can't ignore what you said
what you did
I want to
but I can't.
So i'll purge away my pride,
my glory,
my dignity,
my guilt
and I'll make you happy
so I can live
your fucking expectations
will consume me all my life
until there is nothing left
I think I hate you,
Dad.

And...

The follow up...Collapse )



Current Mood: annoyed
2 ||x
8:59p
Dear Danny,

It scares me so much how things can change...from one year to the next...season to season..month to month..week to week..day by day...the minutes almost inevitably seem to bring it all, whether it be for good or bad..it scares me how i have no control of what is happening.

From one year to the next...it started with me being the shy girl with the big blue eyes and big glasses..always a little too young but always almost old enough. Then it came those first words after a year of longing...to the year of thr rollercoaster..where everything began to sprial out of my grasp.
Season to season of this year...last summer came something of flirt and flight, when i grew up and you saw a certain sparkle in those newly contacted eyes..fall came you falling back into my arms..winter came a coldness that was bearing so much warmth inside...spring came the topsy turvy love and lost and found again and mixed up and jumbled and played with and crying..and the summer has come with a stillness of all.
Month to month of this past spring..something of care, those 3 sacred words..the fights and the laughter...and that girlfriend and losing all hope and lying in bed alone..both of us..once more.
Week to week of this past month..with your broken heart, my listening, my ranting and raving of how i wish you believed in me...of how i would never have hurt you that way: even though you caused me just as much back..and then that quiet.
Day by day we sit and wait...waiting for each other to unlock the barriers again..but we know we have to protect ourselves from that heartache.
Minute to minute brings the inevitable...i dont know what will happen next and i wont even try to predict..welcome to our rollercoaster of our love and hate..our unknown fairytale..our dramatized soap opera...

i wish this all made sense to you..even to me..but these words are al i have to hold onto now...its all i have left..and mayeb it will give you something to hold on too.

Love,
Nathalie
x
9:18p
x
10:36p
M-
It occured to me recently. You were the closest I've ever come to the socially accepted idea/theory of a best friend, but you already had people like that. I needed you more than you needed me. I still do, but I'll get over it. Eventually. In the meantime, I'm a screwed up girl in love with you.
Cheers *clink*

and now for a loosely related poem.

Fault
You won it now
with your steady
work and methods
all so much too
natural to
falsify each
motion for all
humanity
to bear witness.

You’ve been shining
the truth in eyes
shut tight, those who
are uncaring
or unwilling
to watch, while you
shadow your own
tear ducts from such
sights as the ones
you create in
your haste to move.
x

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