June 5th, 2004

(no subject)

You know that feeling you get, way in your stomache, when you did something wrong and you're trying not to worry about it but the more you try, the more you wind up thinking about it, and you're so fucking scared that you messed everything up, but you know you can be a bitch sometimes and you really didn't mean it and you understand everything he feels, but you can't convey that properly so you look and feel like shit?

Yeah umm yeah I'm totally not feeling like that.

Dear me,
Stop screwing up when you have a wonderful thing. Yesterday was supposed to be so special - it was his birthday party, and his graduation party, and it should have been perfect for him. So why did you ask him to go there, why did you kiss him and get him in trouble, and make him worry and wish he was out with his friend's instead? ....... Yeah, don't do that.
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    sad sad

my first love

Dear Ryan,

I guess this is my first letter to you. A start in the long chain of letters that will be sent over the course of these next few years. Even though I just left your house, I want you to know I already miss you more than you can imagine. I'm not sure how I'll handle this, because I'm writing this on Saturday at 3:15 PM, and I don't really think it's hit me that the last time I'll see you for a long time is tomorrow. I'll give this to you after I say goodbye.

I want you to know these past few months knowing you have been the best in my life. You know how I wrote in your yearbook "you're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time"? Well, now I know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You give my life meaning. You seriously do make me want to be a better person. Seeing your passion towards things nonrelated to popularity or any material things has been a wake up call for me. I love you like I never, ever thought I could love anyone.

I love your sense of humor, and your outlook on the world. That's what attracted me to you at first (besides your leather jacket, long hair, and worn out converse). In all honesty, when I first saw you preforming at the rally, I turned to Alicia and was like, "Holy shit, that guy is hot! I'd go to the dance with him." (I'm not even joking, you can ask her). When we met at Denny's I never thought you'd give me a chance. I thought you would think I was a preppy, a poser, or some other meaningless stereotype. I never thought one day we'd fall madly in love with each other.

Then we started talking on the phone. I still thought I, in your eyes, was just a freshman girl with a pathetic crush. I remember talking to you Jamie, and Mark for 3+ hours a night over spring break. I still remember how shy I was to tell you how I felt. It took so much courage to talk to you that once, just to ask you if I even had a chance. You have no idea how much of a relief it was to hear you say, "Yes, you definately do."

I love the way you can look at everything in a facetious light. I love how when I'm in your arms, I feel like nothing in the entire world can ever go wrong. I love how you compliment on details, like how I smell good or my eyes are pretty. I think it's adorable how we both have lame things in common (former addiction to Star Wars, the micro-mini truck things). I love how you write poetry and play guitar - that's always been a major turn-on. I think it's safe to say I love everything about you, with the exception of things like the White Stripes, rice krispies, coconut, sushi, and the fact your pants are too small for me =)

I love how I love you enough to write this sappy letter and also be crying when I do. I've never cried over a guy before. Congradulations, you must be special or something. These next few years are going to be hard. Being realistic, 3 years is a long, long time. If I can fall in love with you within 3 months, who knows what could happen in 3 years? If we end up staying together, "it will be the single most disgustingly romantic thing in the entire world." (In your words). I'm going to keep a copy of this letter and read it if I ever doubt that it could work. I want you to do the same. Know that I'll always love you and no matter how nostalgic I might feel, you're worth the wait. I love you.

Kisses on a hardwood gym floor, a patch of grass no one can see, a bridge at a punk show, a late night trip to Denny's, a sex-infested drama couch, two english points, a white trash ninja video, and the best month of my life,
  • Current Music
    "Show Me How To Live" -Audioslave
dazzling_place flowers


To my boyfriend,

It's amazing to me that we've lasted this long, considering how different we really are. And for the past few weeks, those differences have really gotten to me.
I'm afraid.
- the girl who loves you.

To my best out-of-state friend,

I'm sorry that I accused you of doing that. I hate that we haven't spoken for so long because of it. I wish I could put aside my damn pride and fears to actually talk to you about it.
-the ever-guilty me.

To Carl,

Break a leg at your audition today! You'll do great, I know it!
-your fellow thespian

To myself,

Stop writing letters and start studying for your finals. Stop procrastinating. Now.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained

I am calling

I'm new here, so don't laugh at my poor poetry. This one is called I am calling.

I am calling

Look out the window to no where
See the eternal ghastly abyss
Close your eyes to the devastation at your feet
The barracks are calling my name…

I will cry tears of crimson
I will scream soundless words
I will claw my way to the untouched
The world that remains behind dark glass

Stones of eradication are cast your way
Shots are heard from every corner of the world
Do you not see the corpses of your brothers strewn around?
Are you blind to the personage calling your name?

I will work in hope of your coming
I will dream of the day you call my name
I will spread the words of this outrageous nightmare
To the world behind dark glass

I am dying slowly…
Can you hear my mournful cries?
Do you notice the life as it disappears from my body?
Why haven’t you answered my call?

I’m praying, hoping, wishing you’ll save me
But you’re watching with a smirk on your face
Though others pointed the guns, you’ve killed me
And the million others pleading your name
  • Current Music
    Ocean avenue- Yellowcard