I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Saturday, May 29th, 2004
i've been placed in a room and foced to look at you 3 times this week.
at the choir banquet, gina had her stereo and you were putting CDs in it. one CD started to play, and i realized that it was the one that i made you. i smiled and thought "aw, well it's nice he still listens to it". it wasn't until later in the night that i realized the only reason you had it was to play "good ridance" during the slide show. i don't know why i was so upset over that.
at the assembly today you sang. i didnt care about the national anthem. i didnt care about the people talking to me. all i cared about was holding everything back. Mic knew. she always knows. according to her you kept looking at me through out the assembly. i hated that... i thought that maybe if for just one second, if we made eye contact.. and i smiled... and you smiled back.. that maybe youd see something you didnt see before.
you were the first thing i saw when i walked into the drama banquet today. elyse and i were fighting over what color mask we get to wear and i looked at you, looking at me and i thought this is where you would give me some strange look and call us stupid, then smile. i would smile back, then begin to playfully argue with you about that statement. you would get up, kiss me and say hello, look at my outfit and make fun of me for wearing gym shoes with a semi-formal dress and fish nets. i would then call you a jerk, hit you on the arm, smile and walk away. and of course... youd smile back.
i looked at you once during the banquet. i couldnt tell if you were lookign at me.. or someone sitting next to me. i was too afraid to keep looking in order to find out.
you know vince, i love the fact that you thought that you could jsut go on avoiding me instead of just ended the relationship. i loved that you thought that i would just put up with it and not know the difference. i saw lindsay at blockbuster today, and it wasnt until i got home that i realized you did the exact same thing to her. for about a week and a half, when you were still dating but we had just started.. you avoided her. you werent talking to her on the phone every night, you were talking to me.
which makes me think... are you talking to someone on the phone every night? has someone else taken my place? is she pretty? does she make you laugh? do you tell her all about the times we had, or do you avoid talking about me? do you tell her what you told me? does she make you feel more like yourself?
is she unconventionally beautiful?
remember the night of mr AT? and i was in your car and we were talking about people being unconventionally beautiful, and you said i was one of them?
well thats from my favorite book, which i happed to have bought you for your birthday. i unwrapped it the other day figuring ill never give it to you, and started reading it. i forgot that i wrote something on inside of the front cover.
"to vince, who was the first person to call me unconventionally beautiful"
sometimes, i hate you so much i can't breathe.
|sign my yearbook?
Did you mean it when you said you may never see me after this week? I asked you, but you never replied.
Yeah, you're leaving a week from today, but only for a month. Don't you feel like our bond is strong enough to survive on internet and phone for a month? At least until you come back in July.
Yeah, you're leaving again in September to go into the army. We're probably going to break up, because you said when you leave you don't want to "tie me down." But I'd rather break up then than this Thursday night at your high school graduation. I don't even know if I'll want
to date other people.
Yeah, I want this to last when you go into the army, too, but let's be realistic. That's 4 years
. I have 3 more years of high school left, and who knows how much I'll change?
Yet you signed my yearbook yesterday, and at the end of the whole page you took up re-living memories and making promises, you put "I'll try my hardest to see you this summer. Lots of like, and maybe even love
, Ryan." I'm so confused, I need to know how you feel.
I'm going over to your house today, and hopefully you will tell me what I've been wanting to know: Do you feel as strongly for me as I do for you?
Kisses and the knowledge I might be in love with you,
Ciera Current Mood: hopeful
|The sweetest goodbye
Dear Jake –
You’re leaving tomorrow. Graduating – on to new things, new people, a new school. I may never see you again. I’ll miss you so much.
I cried today in chapel when Kieran and Sarah sang. I cried when I saw you leave the chapel for the last time. I cried when you drove by in your car and honked your horn at everyone standing outside, following the procession of other seniors honking and screaming and waving. I cried so hard.
I’ve only really gotten to know you over this last term – your last term here at Peddie, but I feel like I’ve known you for so long. We never really got that much time to hang out, because all the time you had free I was in class, and you always go home after classes, and so do I, and I wish we could spend more time together, but we talk a lot and I cherish that. I’ll always remember that day you went out to lunch with Rachel, Mike and I – I was so happy and excited and star-struck, almost, that I giggled and was unable to look you in the eye. I admit, you are the most gorgeous man I have ever seen in my entire life.
However, now that I’ve talked to you and gotten to know you, I’ve realized that you are not only gorgeous – you’re smart, kind, and beautiful inside and out. You are the most wonderful person I know and I don’t know how to thank you for that. For not shunning me just because I’m some stupid freshman with a crush and you’re a senior with better things to do.
I feel so stupid writing this, but there are things that need to be said. I wanted to ask you to lunch today, but you were with your senior friends and I didn’t want to interrupt by calling your cell phone and asking you to lunch because it’s the last time I’ll be able to do that. I’ll probably regret it later on, but I’m sure you appreciate me not being so annoying.
Tomorrow, at the ceremony, I’ll cry. I’ve put a post-it note up reminding myself to bring tissues. After the ceremony, I’ll try and talk to you – I’ll try to steal you away from your family for a bit and tell you all this in person, but if I chicken out, you have this letter to read. And tomorrow, if I get up the guts, I might kiss you. There, you’re warned.
Thank you so much for everything, Jake. You’ve been a friend to me, and if that’s all I could not ask for more.
P.S. - you have my phone number and my screenname, I expect you to user them. As often as possible. I'm serious. Call me. IM me. All the time. How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart
I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive
Current Mood: thankful
I'm sorry I hate you so much sometimes. I'm sorry you don't understand me. It's just youre hard to be around a lot. You're too foreign to me. I know you have lot of money, stop flashing it, it's annoying. And if you think I don't like you sometimes, don't start cussing and stealing money from your mom. And please quit with the punch lines and old ancient jokes. I know you're jealous because I'm the centre of attention a lot, but you just come off dorky. And please please please stop trying to do the goth thing. First off, thats my area of expertize, and thats not cool. You're not emo either, and you wouldn't know about any band if it wasn't for me...I still can't believe you were such a prick at the concert. I gave you a free ticket to see a perfect circle and you acted like it was nothing, I'm never taking you out again! And how come you have this fixation with death? It's sick man stop. Roadkill isn't funny. And I know you're a shut in, but youdid it to yourself. If it isnt my fault if youre a wuss. And being depresed isnt cool either I know youre acting that way. Shut up and leave me alone. Talk to me when you have something of a decent depth to say instead of randomly saying retard shit like "hey a nickel."
I hate you.
i like it when i have time by myself, to do whatever i please.
i like to be in my house and enjoy every part of it,
i like listening to music in every room
i like the time i get to sit and think
and i don't have the need to talk to anyone
or do anything
and being alone
are some of the best times.
i don't like it when things go by so fast sometimes
but when things come back
"new words for old desires"
you end up noticing how long its really been
since you were happy.
My mom told you it was over why cant you just leave? she wont take you back i know that for a fact! If you werent such an asshole then maybe you'd still be around and have some help at your jobs but u fucked up one to many times and now you can kiss our asses good-bye!
JUST FUCKING LEAVE THE HOUSE! Current Mood: exhausted
|I cant emphasize how much i miss you & im sorry..
I've written you, texted you, & even called & left messages on your phone & it's killing me that you wont talk to me i know you know how much i love you & i know you know how much im sorry because josh i wouldnt have done what i did if i wasnt truelly hurt .. i dont know why my image of us being together forever faded and i dont know why those things you did hurt me so bad.. but i just i wish you could hold me again & love me like you did & i know this is all my fault but deep down inside i still feel like i had to do it because you were killing me.. i didnt know if i could trust you anymore my god im so confused & i know that none of this makes sense just please talk to me.. you know i will always be here for you like i have been through all these years through your grandfather & uncle & being sick & your accident josh i will always be here for you .. i guess i just want you to be here for me too.. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART JOSH!!! FORGIVE ME!!!
-- ♥ Chelle Current Mood: & crying
Since I met you I knew you liked me. I developed a crush. It happens. The words I want to say in this "letter" are not coming out right. I don't know how to say it so here I go...
I hate that I've gotten myself involved to the point where it feels that I like you. I'm sorry that I've been indenial of everything.I dont know where I stand, and neither do you.
FLAWS IN OUR FRIENDSHIP:
- lack of communication.
and that is all, but it's the most important, therefore it sucks. It was so great in the beginning what happened?
I've been thinking, and thinking isn't necessarily good in my nature however I am/was thinking that perhaps the thought that I liked you, this melodrama, this emo-ness, this everything, is all caused by something that's inside my head. THink about it for a second if you will: THe only time we've really spoken to each other in person was at Hart House, and I think that maybe it, (meaning US, the relationship that NEVER WAS) is maybe an infatuation on both our parts except now, it is I who is infatuated with you, and it is I who is not getting this infatuation (which I guess could have been returned, but probably never will) returned. Now I'm fucking left here to wonder where I went wrong, when it could just be in my head, and I could be imagining all of this. I think I like you, even if it IS an infatuation, and I didn't mean to 'scare you away' if I did, the major reason as to why I said "oh" was because you said: "most guys would have asked you out by now, 'cause your hot". Inviting? Not really. It actually hurt me that someone like you could act so shallow at the wrong moment. Oh and also, don't fucking drag this on, if you didn't like me, why didn't you just TELL ME, when I asked you. And if you need to know ahead of time, know that I DID LIKE YOU but understand that I'm so grateful, because you pulled me out of the "no one will ever like me again" phase.
To sum up everything here is an excerpt song:I want to give you
whatever you need
What is it you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how
I am getting by on so little from you
It's hard to believe that I would
Let myself get so wrapped into you
There's gotta be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you
WE need a connection but you seem
to push me far away from you
but you will never get it...you will never fucking get it.