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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Wednesday, May 26th, 2004

Time Event
4:16p
dear you,
you have no idea how much i hate you. you took everything from me in one night. you*re in my nightmares. you make me sick. i hate you. i hate what you did to me. i hate that you raped me. i hate that i*ll never get over it. i can*t look at you. you took my innocence, you took my heart, you took my smile, you took my happiness. i hate that though a few people know, i can*t talk to them about this. i hate that instead of saying all this to your face, i*m writing a letter you*ll never see. i hate that i cry over what you did. i hate that i*m so incredibly weak. i hate the sleepless nights i have. i can*t stand the way i feel like breaking down every time i hear someone talking about anything relating to what you did to me. i want and need to get over this. but i*ll never forget you. i*ll never forget my hatred for you. ever.

insincerely yours,
me

Current Mood: weird
5 ||x
5:26p
We go out into the world and take our chances...
Dennis,

If you don't like me, or "have never liked anyone", then plese stop flirting with me. It really does hurt me a lot.

You recently asked me to go with you once your current girlfriend moves away. Your reasoning is that you thought, since I liked you, we could go together and it would all be grand. I said no, and that it would be pointless if you held no feelings for me. You said okay. I then asked something along the lines of: "So, is that establishing that you don't like me, and that if we were to go together it would be out of sympathy to me? I don't know, because while you've never said you do like me, you've never said that you don't." You responded with a "No." And that you didn't know what to do, since you've never actually liked anyone. What were you saying 'no' to? No, you would not be dating me out of sympathy? No, you do not like me? I never got a chance to ask you, because you said, "Let's play change the subject."

Well, what am I supposed to do now? Only hours before you said these words to me, you held me in your lap, giggled with me, and tickled me. You carried me upside down and put your hat on me and lifted me onto your back to give me a piggy-back ride that I didn't ask for. You grabbed me by the hand and ran under trees through fields of clover with me, laughing the whole time. Swung me around and looked into my eyes. I didn't ask for any of this. You just brought it upon me. I layed on you, and you stroked my hair and looked down on me with those blue, blue eyes. Then you asked me to go with you, but your reasons made no sense in my mind.

What do you think I should do now? I don't know.

Waiting for you to make sense,
Melissa

Current Mood: anxious
x
6:06p
God - or something along those lines,

I have a lot of questions that have been clouding my mind for a while now. I suppose that I would get them out in a letter to you.

If you are in existance, why are you sitting back and letting the human population run the Earth into the ground? We think that we're so evolved, when we really aren't as advanced as we may think. Sure, we have a strong forebrain, which enables us to think more clearly and properly than other animals. Sure, we have a different throat structure, which enables us to speak the way we do. Sure, we have an aposable thumb, which enables us to have a better hold on things. The way I see it, we've involved from primates over time. Mutations in our DNA simply made us differently. For example, perhaps we had a mutation in our hips which forced us to stand upright. Then, more primates with this mutation bred and each generation was more likely to have this mutation until finally, look at us. We're a new species. I don't think that we're any smarter than any other species, but maybe even less intelligent.
But why have you been letting all of those that belong to this species believe that they are supreme among all the others? Why are you letting them take something beautiful and destroy it? Just because we can do something, doesn't mean that we should. Morally, a lot of things in this world are wrong, so why are you standing to the side letting it continue to go wrong? Pollution and murders, why is any of this in existance?
Do you feel that we need to prove to ourselves that we are superior to others by getting out of our own messes? I don't think that will work, because so many people think they're doing right. And others know they're doing wrong but continue to do wrongly anyway. Maybe you feel that if you stand back and let us make our mistakes, we'll eventually correct them ourselves. I've heard somewhere that subconciously, we all know what's right, and if we're doing something wrong we'll eventually realize and correct it. I suppose this could be true.
Like during the Great Depression - you could have done something to stop it. But you let us keep going and do it by ourselves. Then, Franklin Roosevelt came into office and helped us get back onto our feet again. Or, perhaps he was meant to win the election, because you realized we needed help.
It's all so confusing, I never know what to think.

Another question. Why am I in existance? What is my purpose here, in life? What am I destined to do? Maybe if I knew, or had at least an inkling, I could do something right and set myself in the correct direction. Maybe I could fix things.
But, like I was debating before, maybe I haven't gotten any signs because, subconciously, I already know. If that is the case, could you perhaps jolt my subconcious? I don't communicate with it hardly ever, and I'd like to. I'd like to dream. Could you do this for me? Maybe?

Maybe I'm asking too much of you. Do you think that could possibly be it? Maybe I should sit back and see where life takes me. Or maybe then I'll miss something else. I have no idea what I believe in right now, and it's fogging my head profusely. I need some clearity, I really do. But, again, maybe I should just wait and see if it is meant to come to me.

But what if that's not what I'm supposed to do?

God, you're very confusing. I don't know if I like you much right now. I'm also sorry that I've lost a bit of faith lately. Things have been... Odd. I'm sorry that I've stopped praying. Really, you're in my heart, there will always be a place for you. So, when I'm staggering, remember you're there, even though I may not show it.

I'm sorry, and thank you.

Confused, sorry, but don't forget faithful,
Melissa

Current Mood: confused
x
6:07p
random thoughts
Dear Ryan

This Sunday we will have been going out for 4 weeks. It feels like 4 years. I know you so well and I am so attatched to you..

This weekend will be our last weekend together before you move to North Carolina. I hope we make it fun and I'll see you again in August. You'll be back for my birthday.

The way you signed your email brightened up my day.."Kisses and Sweet Nothings, Ryan" - I love when you do things like that.

I'm so glad you're in my life.

Dear Jordan,

I'm glad we got out our feelings, finally, and thanks for promising not to be such a bitch all the time.

I promise I'll be more sensitive to your moods.

Oh yeah - congrats on you and Mark's 3-week! =)


Dear Cheri,

I'm sorry you liked Ryan, and I'm glad you and Brandon are getting back together. I didn't know that you liked Ryan, but I do now, so you don't have to pretend like you didn't.

I also can't wait to get drunk with you xD


Love to all of you,
Ciera

Current Mood: discontent
x
8:23p
the greatest lovers were murderers first...

all i can say is that i'm sorry. even though you just told me that sorry doesn't make a difference. i never meant to make you sad by being down myself. i love you so much. i drive myself crazy. but baby, you can't blame me. always rethinking everything you say, hoping it's not just a bunch of empty, meaningless lines so you'll have a girl to fall back on.. granted we've been together for over eight months. [[i love you so much]] but i can't help a thing. you've cheated on me, you've lied to me.. you promised me that was the last time. that you were all mine. you gave me a ring... but maybe that didn't mean a thing. it was your birthday. two days before mine. you were out with some old friends of mine. you ended up in the backseat with someone i used to trust. you kissed each other. meanwhile i'm out with a boy. he took me for a milkshake and a late trip to wal*mart. nothing happened. i feel that it's not fair. it's not fair that you've gone out and had your fun. [[even though you pay dearly after]]. it's not fair that it never fails to be me who is stuck at home wondering what you say to people and what you think of me and what you're doing when you're with your friends. it's not like it was the first time happening to me. but you're a heartbreaker. i did nothing to deserve any of it. any of the lying. the cheating. i should not have been in my room crying. i shouldn't be so hard to trust you. you're the love of my life. my best friend. my confidante. my boyfriend. my future. yet i have a hard time believing the things you say.</font>

all of this took place long ago.
but it still hurts.
how do you think i feel when i walk into a room and i see the girl you kissed. the girl i used to go to shows with. the girl who used to be a good friend. the girl that would come to me crying when her boyfriend fucked up. over the span of several months. me and her. theatre chairs. her head on my shoulder. me being honest and telling her everything.

[[more and more friendships get ruined this way]

i can't even think what to write.

i love you.

like no other.

and i want everything;;
friday nights, lunch meat fights, the left side, sinatra, the pizza, the river...
i want it all.

everything that we discuss.

we're so keen on the future.

i'm sorry that i make things difficult with my stupid fucking emotions.

[[you know i couldn't help but have some vulgarity!!!]]

but sometimes i just don't think i should be the only one suffering. and you shouldn't think that it's alright.

because i won't pretend that i'm alright...



Current Mood: reflective
x
10:16p
Hey I'm new here. Apparently, I'm a poet, though I don't believe other people very often.

&&&right now, I'd give anything
Anything In the whole
Glitter pink world
To be more than this
Your girlbestfriend
The hopeless colour
of forever.
Clasp your hand in mine
and
BAM!
love...
&&&right now, I'd give anything
For love.

Just a short thing on how I'm feeling right now. I've kinda screwed things up with my boybestfriend. We're confused. I'm scared. Come see my journal if you'd like to chat or something.
Jen xXx
x
11:25p

Dear Cory,

     Why must you treat me like shit? I try and do everything I can and get nothing in return! I keep you safe and I try to keep you happy! But you continously knock me off my feet and do something to harm me! I don't like this feeling I'm going to come out and show the world just who you are! If you keep holding back from who you really are you will only hurt me and yourself! You don't need half the shit you do to survive! wake up and realize that a lot of ppl care about you including me! Though the people that you care for a lot if not more than your parents maybe be mad at you, YOU STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR! Maybe you just need to let go and tell them how you really feel! HOPEFULLY this will all blow over by camp! SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN! YOU HURT ME IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!

                                                            love always,

                                                                             me



Current Mood: crushed
6 ||x
11:28p
Dear... Pants,

Why are you so cold in the mornings? It makes me sad.

Sad and cold,
Melissa

Current Mood: cold
8 ||x

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