Desperate, crawling on my knees...
I've thought you were amazing since day one. About three or four years ago, you joined the Tae Kwon Do class that I was in. You wouldn't look anyone in the eyes. You were insanely shy and your voice was meak and small. You stood, awkward and apprehensive. I admired you from afar for about a few weeks, when I left the class due to achedemic factors.
You slipped my mind for three long years. I joined the same class again this past February. To my surprise, you where there.
Truthfully, I actually didn't recognize you at first because I remembered you from class years ago. I recognized you from the year before, when we went to the same school: you were a year ahead of me and I saw you in the hallways occasionally. I found you stunning, and beautiful. Line of vision cast downward, pushing your way through the halls, brushing your arm against mine. Your eyes met mine for the first time and I knew I would not forget them soon. I would float from class to class knowing that I had been seen by you.
I didn't actually make the connection between the you I knew years ago and the you I was crazed about the year before until our instructor was talking to me after class.
"Dennis has made phenominal improvement, hasn't he?"
Yes, you had. You has muscle problems and couldn't stretch out your back leg before - I remembered just then. The transformation was
drastic, but deep down, I suppose I subconsiously knew it was you. I came into class and saw you from the back and the same sensation I felt in my stomach years ago filled me once again.
You turned around, and walked with so much more confidence. Your eyes met mine once again, and I nearly fell over.
Again, I watched you in class, intently while you did your form and while you free sparred. You were often partnered with me in the beginning, since I was the lowest rank and needed to be taught everything all over again and you were the highest rank. You lead me through the basic movements of hand-to-hand, three-step-sparring, and learning my first form. Twice a week, I felt your hands in mine again, your body moving synchronized with mine, leading me as if I were blind. Your eyes, electric and blue, met mine day after day.
Me, living in my web of false reality, fell deeper and deeper for you, all the while creating your ideal personality - since I didn't actually know you.
After about a month or two exchanging smiles, glances and wanting you from a distance, I decided I had nothing to lose, and I asked for your screen name. It was after class one day. I remember the dialog perfectly.
"Hey, do you have AOL instant messanger?"
A huge ass smile spreads across your face.
"Can I... have your screen name?"
"If you want it."
We both smile.
"Well, do you have a pen and paper?"
"Errr, I might"
I rummage through my coat pockets and am only able to find a sharpie.
"Will this do?"
"Sure. Have some paper?"
"My arm will work."
I hold my arm out to you. You grab it and start to write*
"Would you like mine, as well?"
I take your arm and write my own.
"I hate peas?"
"You know 1337?"
Then, there were lots of smiles, as well as the "oooh's" and "ahhhh's" of the eight-year-old near us.
We then talked online frequently, getting to know eachother better. You weren't exactly who I thought you were - you were even more brilliant.
Things seemed perfect, but then Joe had to get involved. He also attended our class. He got my screen name and talked to me as well, finding me "deep", "smart", as well as "breath-taking and amazing." He became obsessed with me, and complained to you about it frequently, since you are great, close friends and you also know me.
One day, I was at Joe's house, just hanging around with him and a few other people. Everyone else left, and it was just us, laying around in his room listening to my favourite band, Dream Theater. He was saying all the "right" things, and being the whore that I am - I couldn't contain myself. I knew he was an innocent boy who found me amazing, and I could have him any way I wanted if I chose. He asked for permission to kiss me, and I said yes without thinking. We weren't involved, and I didn't even really think that you desired me as anything more than a friend.
So, Joe and I kissed, again and again until I had to leave. I feel terribly about it now - it rips me to shreds. He thought I meant something by it, and I didn't. He then learned that I desired you - his best friend - instead of him. It destroyed him for weeks. During these weeks, we talked every night online and saw eachother twice a week at class.
Joe and I remained friends, which I'm glad about. I next time I went to his house, you
ended up being there, as well. It was the first time we were really hanging out
, away from Tae Kwon Do classes. You were so vibrant, full with energy and life. Brilliant.
The next morning, you IMed me, simply saying "I know." I knew Joe had told you. But, strangely enough, it didn't matter to me whether you knew or not. So I told you it was true, and that I was sorry if I was seeming awkward. You replied with "No, it makes me feel good." And you used a lot more smile icons after that.
You talked to me more often. I felt loved.
Last Friday, you, and only you
, accompanied me to Relay for Life. We arrived at 6:30, and stayed together the entire night, until 11:00. We sat close on that green hill until dusk when it was a bit chilly. We walked to your house. I followed you up the stairs. "If you hear my parents come home, we have to run down the stairs as fast as possible." I sat on your bed, gazing at you and all of your belongings while you found me a hooded sweatshirt and yourself your leather jacket. While you counted out some money to put into your wallet. I felt so high. It was unbelievable. We walked back to our place on the hill, again sitting close, talking and laughing. My favourite part was when all the stadium lights went out and the people walked around the track with lit candles. It was amazing and beautiful, and I'm elated I got to share those moments with you. Laughing as we imagined someone dropping their candle and the entire ring track catching on fire. =] We found Vinny and Keirnan and went to the dark and foggy baseball field. Abandoned, just the four of us. You became a ninja, swinging your jump rope and skip-it. Killing Vinny, and advancing on me. "You wouldn't hurt me." You dropped your weapons and starred me in the eye for a moment or two, then falling into me, hugging me and holding me, rocking me back and fourth.
I felt so complete in your arms, did you know that?
Vinny and Keirnan left us, and we were back on our hill, laying close, starring at the stars through the fog. We sat up, and you tickled and poked my stomach for what seemed like hours until I couldn't breathe and I collapsed into your lap and lay there, while you rested your hand on my head, and the other examined my hands. Did you feel as full as I did then? Feeling me breathe into you, did you feel like you were floating? I felt save and sound with you. And what about when I rolled down the hill and you came and carried me back up.
The very next day, we met again at Joe's. It was Joe, Matarazzo, Joshua, you, and me. You flirted with me so much that day. I couldn't stop smiling. During that entire day, you shot me with a watergun ten million times - plus you pinned me down and took me hostage. You sat on me twice, for prolonged periods of time - maybe about ten minutes each. You gnawed on my arms numerous times because I guess I just taste so good. You wrapped that weird metal thing around me and dragged me around the backyard and just everywhere. While we were all walking around, you ran up behind me and carried me upside down twice, both for so long that I couldn't walk straight afterwards. So, you would carry my like a baby until I could walk. You also just picked me up a few times because I'm "fun sized". Last but not least, you "stole" a hug once. =]
Everyone was telling me that you wanted me. That you were flirting with me like crazy. And I believed them. But then...( This is already long enough as it is.Collapse )
And people are still trying to tell me that it's only because you know that Joe is caught up on me still and you don't want to hurt anyone. People are still saying that it's okay, you're just shy. I don't know what to think - but that really hurt.
I want you so badly, and I wish you would just STOP sending mixed signals.
...I started writing this letter at seven o'clock. It is now nine fifty-one. So, I shall end it.
Constantly thinking of you,
Melissa Current Mood: blank