May 14th, 2004

dear troy

you have no idea how amazing you are..
in every way, you make me feel like a queen
you treat me so wonderfully, and you mean so much to me
our fights drive me crazy, and i wish they never happened but i know its normal for couples to fight
i know you say your mom loves me, and i always say no..
i really hope she does, cause she's an amazing person, and she gave life to you, the most wonderful person in the world. you are so cute and so gentle with passionate about us..and i love it. i love you, i actually am totally head over heels in love with you troy baker. i never thought i could feel so complete but i do with you. i dont know what i'll do when i move away, i dont know how i'll be able to be away from you for so long...even now your in montreal for the night and i miss you so much..but i know i can do it. i know i can do it to be with you because i love you..and you love me.
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dear mom,
you are the reason i dont want to have kids. you make it look so easy. i dont know how to do that, i dont know how to do anything. you mean so much to me and i dont think i could handle that pressure. "mom" has become such an idealized concept in my mind that it seems impossible to live up to. you are not even perfect in my sense of what a mom is. that is what a mom is to me, perfect. perfectly giving and devoted to her children. i am trying to make this concept more rational but moms, good moms like you really do seem kind of perfect. your mistakes are when you are not a mom. see how hardwired it is. you have done things that i never want to do to my kids. that is a fact. but that isnt who you are. that doesnt take away from you being my mom. if i become a mom i want to be like you, i want be what my kids think of me when they think of home.