May 13th, 2004

(no subject)

Who do you think you are? I finally found an awesome friend besides you and you go and try and take them. Wow. I don't like you right now, you annoy me fucking endlessly. I want you to know this. I don't want to be friends anymore, how do I tell you this? I don't. So, here it stays inside of me until the next time I tell you how I fucking feel. Tell me my "best friend" when you have time for me. As of now, fuck you.

(no subject)

Dear Janahan,

I just wanted to tell you,
you wear the crown of popularity
so well.
Though I'd like you to known
I liked you much better
when you weren't on such
a high pedistal.
I liked it better when you valued
what I say and actually cared about me,
Instead of blowing me off for some airhead
who has no substance what so ever.
But as I said before you carry your role so well.
Kudos to you darling.
One more thing before I sign my name,
you actually had me believe you loved me
and I actually trusted you,
so amoung all the other beautiful things you are,
you also a damn good actor & a liar.

Love You Always,

I'm sorry and confused.

Dear You,

I can't begin to tell u how wonderful you are. u are the sweetest, most giving man i know. you are everything i want to be. you are everything i want in a man, yet, i dont want you.

I think i could love you, but i can't. don't you understand when i tell u that i cant? i just cant handle it! and u dont want to handle it either, trust me. not that you do now.

Okay. i am sorry for adding you to my MSN, i know i shouldnt have but after talking to u through our friend those two times i couldnt resist! you sounded like i person i could talk to and argue with for the rest of my life.but i cannot let that happen! that is why i have been ignoring you, and thats why ive been trying to stay as far away from you as i can. one reason is cuz i am so sick and tired of being hurt. even by my closest people. i feel invisible tot hem most of the time. like no one truly cares enough about me to want to see me and stuff instead of anyone else. i could go on forever but i wont.

another reason is because i know you wont be able to handle my problems and issues. i am the most sensitive and emotional woman on the planet. not only that, i understand nothing about myself...half the time i dont know whether im faking it or being myself, and i dont love myself. how could i expect u to love me when i dont love me? soooo much is going on in my life. im so depressed and i need to face these things alone. i cant bring u into it all. u will get in so deep it wont be easy for u to get out once u decide u have had enough of me.

thirdly, i dont want to get married!! i dont! not yet! not for another 13 years at least! and you know how i totally think relationships are pointless if they have no point to them u know?

i keep on telling myself i want to be very independant. i want to make my own decisions, i want to be strong and need no one. and on the other hand, i keep on thinking how much i need u right now. how much i need someone who would comfort me and hold me when my parents are at it again, or when my brother is at the hospital again. or whenever im feeling depressed becauswe of whatever other thing going on in my life. i know i need the support. i need the friend who would want me over anyone else. and i hate admitting all those things. i was watching gilmore girls the other day, it was an old episode of when Lorali talked to her friend luke, and when she began bawling and how he held her tight and he never wanted to let her go. i started crying cuz i need that so much. soo much. but i cant have it and i shouldnt let myself for all those reasons. i mean, really, im the one doing u a favor here.

that is why i have been ignoring you my dear friend. that is why every time u flirt and hint ur feelings i change the subject. that is why i cant trust u. that is why i like u so. it's because i dont trust myself with you. i dont trust myself to keep feelings at bay and not letting them loose. i dont trust myself to not trust u and to expose my deep dark secrets.

i am sorry if i have hurt u. i am sorry for adding u. you are an amazing person and u dont need me right now. u have ur own things to deal with. u need someone simple, not complicated like me.

i am sorry for not giving myself the chance to know you and i hope, in 8 or so years, i will see you again, and talk to you, and realize that the connection is still there. that is if i have passed my shit at that time.

this is a good bye, if u havent noticed sure u have, ur the most intelegent person i know. i wish you all the best in ur future. may your life be filled with comfort and fullfilness...and with all those things you deserve.

you will be in my heart always even though i barely know you. oh im finding it so hard to end this letter to u! am i doing the right things?? i dont want to! i dont. but i should. please, fight for me. keep on talking to me. keep on trying. i need to get passed this feer of pain! i need you.


the end

dear you. you know who you are.
i'll never be as good as anyone you want. im not even good enough for you, but your still with me.
why is it so hard for you to talk, to come up with the littlest things to say?
why? i know why. do you?
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