So...here we are again. We broke up, what, almost 9 months ago and you still won't talk to me? WTF is up with that? There is such a thing as being friends still, you know?
A**** tells me that you have been sober for almost 7 months. That's a load of bullshit, and you know it. Did you ever know that I thought you were an idiot for coming to school like that one time?
I hated the way you smelled like weed. I hate the way you never noticed me anymore. I hate the way that you are different around your friends. I hated the way that you would call me so much. I hate the way I think I still love you...omfg. I just realized that. Crap...
Dear Janahan, What is wrong? What happened? There is what seems to be a rift between us. You seem quite indifferent to me these days and have begun to act like a huge a-hole. You walk around like you own this place and half the people don't even know your name. You make me feel like i'm invisible when your with your stuiped buddies. I tought I could tell you everything and trust you, but latley it seems like you wish to prove me wrong.
BFF? Fuck you. You're not a fucking friend. I have the worst manic episode of my entire life, three weeks, 21 days, constantly feeling like shit, constantly wanting to die. I hate myself and everything around me. I know you don't always understand but you always use to listen. Now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and you won't even look up. I tried to ask you why, I tried to understand. I told you how I felt, how everyone felt about you deserting us. And all you have to say is "But why are you mad at me?" Goddammit. I was the best friend that I knew how to be and you just up and go because being around sad people makes you sad? I was always there for you when you cried for no reason. Take all of that emotion that you felt. Take Byron and your mom and all the hurt from them and everything around you, tie it in a little ball and make it a million times bigger, then take away everyone you care for, everyone you love. You're all by yourself, lost and alone. A little girl who's not sure of anything anymore... that's me. That's how I feel. Now do you understand why I'm mad at you? Jesus fucking christ. I'm not even mad at you, I'm mad at myself. I just want to know what I did to drive you away, to lose one of the best friends I ever had.
dear self, you make me sick. why do you let yourself get like this? you could be having the greatest day of your life and then boom. it all goes rapidly downhill. you need to stop letting their words get to your head :/...
Why did you give me so many hugs when i first met you? We had a blast and you know it. And than I visit my cuzins and I see you some times when I'm there and now you barely talk to me. Maybe i overreacted about what i was feeling and how you felt, But i don't understand. You barely talk to me we were closer when we were younger and now that we're older and I don't see you as much we don't talk. I don't get it. I want to know why things changed between us.I'm coming to visit my family again in the summer and I hope I get to talk this out with you face to face and possibly work things out.
i see your skin &I hate the way you look at me &softly invade every part of me. the way you make me feel like i've died a thousand times. i hate the way you make me feel so beautiful but so insecure. i hate the fact you make me feel like i'm too good for you when i'm nowhere near good enough. i hate the fact you're stronger than me &the way you hide yourself like you're nothing special. i hate the fact you're always changing &i can't make out how you really feel. maybe you're just too old. maybe it just won't work. but i love you. she never was good enough for you. she never acted like she wanted you. i'm so scared i'll lose what i have with you because you still like her &i know you protest that you don't miss anything about her, but i know you do. i can see it when she talks to you. i'll still be here. feeling insignificant. wanting to give you the world. just give me the word. i'll love you forever. i would die for you.
you know who you are. i hate it that you try to steal my one true friend from me. after i say something to her, you whisper something about me in her ear. you got her grounded till she's 18, which isn't for another 2 months, for god knows what. probably something stupid. you're such a bitch sometimes. you never think about anything.
remember when we went to one of your many man-whore's party? remember the only girl there who was being nice to us, because everyone else there was fake? do you also remember how you were being a bitch to her? running your mouth like you always do. i mean, jeez, if someone's being nice to you, you don't talk shit to them.
you're such a bitch! i really hate you. i can't wait till i graduate this year and you're still stuck at north. then you'll have no one to hang out with. i'm glad i'll never see you again.
i can't keep a fake smile on my face anymore when i see you.
follow your heart. I just said that to a friend and yet, I've done the complete oppisite. I've been chasing a dream and now he's gone and jumped in to someone elses head. And you know what? It's okay, yes, I may twitch here and there, but a long time ago, I said I was done, and I meant it. Plus. I have others. I have friends who are there and such, so it's all good in the neighborhood. And...Maybe, I'll go back to chasing that old dream. The one that went forgotten yet it's wounds so raw. Maybe, I'll go back to that dream...because...that dream's beginning to chase me. And maybe, I'll give this dream a chance. Because, I should follow my heart.