I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Sunday, May 9th, 2004
To the voice inside my head
You make me feel like shit, like i'm nothing. I hate you and I hate the way you make me feel. But still I can't imagine life without you. You're there for me when I wake up, when I go to bed. Dear depression. I can't imagine my life without you.
My darling Mathew,
I loved you with all my heart. I gave myself to you mind and body. You loved me. I know you did. You say you did and still do and I believe you.
You've put me through the ultimate humiliation. You sold me out. Put my chaotic life and idiosyncrises on display for a bunch of friends at a party. Ones that haven never met me who would believe anything you said about me.
Because we had gotten in a little fight? Because you were angry with me? Because you were drunk?
There's no excuse for you did. No justification. The ones listed above don't even count as excuses. I was angry too! But what did I do about it? I stayed awake all night waiting for you to come home from the party so we could talk. So I could apologize and tell you that I love you.
Funny the different reactions we had to the fight.
I almost wish you had just slept with one of those girls instead. I could take being cheated on physically a lot easier than I can take the emotionally torment and humiliation you've put me through.
You say you love me. Is what you did an example of love? Is that love?
If that's love, than damn my heart to hell I'd rather spend the rest of my life hating than to ever love again.
| hey i'm new.
I have a few letters.
How do you not know how I feel.Are you blind?I have such an infatuation with you and you brush me off when you know how I feel. I want to know where we stand.Because after Caroline's party things changed.It's like you have effaced the knowlage of us have a somewhat mutal crush on eachother.
Dear certain people in society,
I HATE IT
why must you always feel the need to change? You were so lovely the way you were.Why do you need acceptance from people who just take your face value and the first to words out of your mouth regardless of what they are.Where did the substance we once had go to? I realise I am no beauty queen but why shoot down the one you know cares for you for a pretty face and tight pants?Why? Is that the image you prefer some pretty piece of jewlery to hang on your arm?Regardless I suppose things with shift ,infact I feel it in the air.We rewind our lives and erase every suspision we were friends.
Love Always and Forever,
So, I guess your gone now. I don't understand why you REALLY left, and I guess I never will, because it's already happpened. I have to deal with that, and knowing you'll be back, doesn't help much, because I know you. I know that if you don't feel like getting up and driving all the way back here to visit you wont, if you don't feel like calling, you won't call. I know I'm not really "losing" you for good, but I dont know. I guess to me, 20 minutes is far enough away, much less a few states up. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe Ill still see you on the weekends, you'll still call me, or maybe you'll stop calling and coming up here. I hope not. And maybe Im taking this thing to far. I know Im happy for you, happy that maybe you'll get your shit straightened out, make your self better by being away from some people. But at the same time, it sucks. Knowing that there's a possibility (even if it's slight) that you won't be, scares the shit out of me. I dont know what I would do if you were gone forever. We've been through some shit, and a lot of good stuff. It's hard because I cant look at everyday things without being reminded of you. This past week, and this weekend, I've tried to hide the fact that this hurts, because I know how many people you've had to say goodbye to, and how many people have cried in front of you because your leaving. I know you dont understand why so many people didnt care while you were here. So I've been trying to pretend everything will be like it always has been, that you'll stay with me just like you did before you moved, that we'll be stupid and order pizza just like always. But I'm scared that it wont be. I dont want to put any more crap on you than you already have, but, I dont want you to replace me. As selfish as that sounds, I dont want you to find someone to become your best friend, so that you wont have to come here to see the ones you've had. Maybe I'm being to negative, Im sure it will wear off, and that we'll see each other as always, just please don't forget me.
& thinking about you leaves me speechless sometimes- in a good way. i love how after an argument, you can pick me up off my feet, and can make everything better. i hate arguing with you and i hate myself for just not letting things go. i know, i'm a stubborn person sometimes, but you know that. you're still there and you're still by my side. and i thank you and love you forever and ever and ever for putting up with my shit. i don't even know how you deal with it. & i can see a future for us. i love seeing couples go through my line at the store with their kids groccery shopping. i love seeing an old man holding hands with his old wife, and helping her into the car. i know it could happen, and i'm not just saying that. no bullshit coming from me. and even when we argue ... even though i hate it, i know it just makes us stronger. i care about you so much and i'm always here. i'd do whatever it takes to make you happy, just know that. so no more drugs. i don't need that shit. i don't care about not being happy sometimes. i'll find other ways .. and i don't care what people say when i say "no." fuck them. i have you, and that's all that matters. i love you matt. <3
Every letter is so sad...
Hey. I don't know what to say to you. Your one of those people who when you meet them, you don't want to be away from them. I don't want to leave your side, Chris. But I never see you. You smell so good. When you were upset I held you. And your smell travels with me. My sweatshirt smells of you. And I'm holding it close to me. Because your not around. So holding this sweatshirt is the closest I'll get until I see you again.
It kind of sucks how Britt broke your heart. Sometime I forget, because so many guys have hurt me, that guys too have feelings. I remember you once said to me "She comes into my dreams every once in awhile, I guess i just can't get rid of her like she got rid of me."
Chris, your in my dreams and I don't want to get rid of you. But you don't know how I feel.
But I kind of like it like this. The way we have it. We smile, we talk we laugh. But you take away my fears. My fears of rejection, my fears of opening up. You make me cry, but not because I'm sad, but because you are. You've changed me whether you or other people notice, you really changed me and I really like you.
You smell so good...
I wish you were here right now.
I wish you were everywhere.
I think I'm starting to love you...
Or maybe just miss you.
I’ve tried writing you subtle notes. I’ve tried dealing with this in every way possible. I wrote poetry, sugarcoated my true feelings… journal entries where everything remained nameless (hence the forward of this letter)… I’ve talked to everyone about this except you. I’m sick of it. I hate this feeling and I hate the way you’re treating me. There. I said it.
What the hell is the matter? Honestly. Is it your mom? Mel? Or is it honestly just you? I’m afraid what I’ve feared for two months is about to surface. Yes. It has been two months. Yea. One month of relationship, another of silence. That is what this is now you know. Silence. Granted, I know that’s not entirely your fault… but maybe a “hello” every so often would be nice. Is that too much to ask? It certainly doesn’t seem so for Alyssa.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got no problem with her or your friendship with her. It just seems to me that whenever she enters the vicinity of the room, you drop everything you’re doing to go and hug her and ask her how she’s doing. I don’t speak to you for 3 days and I don’t even get eye contact. Just doesn’t seem right to me.
But hey you know, go ahead. Ignore me. I’ll put up with it. I am, after all, in love with you. There’s no sense in me hiding it. I’ll never give this to you anyway.
Can’t we just go back to spring break? I want the whole staying on the phone for 5 hours, public display of affection, introducing me to the parents kinda thing back. Everything’s changed so much from that time and I’m deathly afraid to ask why. I mean, is it your mom? Or is it you? Please be the former.
It was so nice of you to call Lindsay on her birthday… but uh, what happened to not being able to use the phone? Don’t take this as an accusation… I just wanted to know. Can you use the phone except to talk to me? Can you say hello to everyone else but me? CAN YOU NOTICE WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO BREAK EXCEPT ME!? Come on. I don’t hide it that well.
So I said it. Woop-dee-doo. No sugarcoating. No I-have-to-try-and-make-my-letter-into-a-p
oetic-tragedy. Believe me, you are my poetic tragedy.
I hate you so much.
I will love you always and forever,