I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Friday, May 7th, 2004
Dear Mrs. Ferriell
She said you were concerned, but why? why now. When I want someone to be concerned no one notices. So what's so different now? Can you explain it to me? Have you figured out what's going through my mine. Did someone take notice that I log onto a site as burninginhell. Did you read my portfolio or see my poem on the board. Maybe that's it. You saw the poem. I hadn't thought about it much. Don't even remember exactly when I wrote it, I'm thinking it was like last march or april, you're just a little late catching on. I'm okay most of the time, I've found a way to make myself happy and frankly this school has no part in it any of my happiness. I did it. No medication no parental support. I pulled my way out and I should be proud of that but I'm not because I can't tell anyone. And I don't want anyone to know. But you never saw my scars. 3 of the 5 are there still and you have no clue.
So you're concerned but it's a little late. The times I wanted to die you didn't know about and the times I wanted to live have slowly come back. I'm just sad that no action on your part was taken sooner. Maybe it's not just the smart or dumb that are ignored it's the quiet kids who don't say a word to you. Maybe I should have let my portfolio stayed red flagged or perhaps next year the same peices will send up the same red flag and you'll read it. And I can sit in your office with your kids' smiling faces stareing at me and say "You know I did want to die beginning of junior year and I did ______ but you didn't know about it because you didn't want to. I screamed and screamed for someone to help and all I got were blank looks. So yes this story echoed real life, this actually happened, my family is like that...but right now you're just a little late." And then I walk out and just keep walking, finally making my escape.
honestly, me Current Mood: amused
I know it’s a bit weird that I’m typing this letter or whatever, but it’s the only way I could think to talk to you and get things out.
I’m still in shock from when you told me that you loved me ‘cause being the person you are people don’t always take you seriously, and Chris saying he loved me 10 minutes later didn’t help it at all. You said you didn’t want to be in a serious relationship and I understand where you’re coming from. The other day when we broke up I asked you why you didn’t tell me that you felt that way and you said that you just couldn’t talk to people about stuff like that. Well, I was wondering if you talk to Chris and Kaleb about stuff like that because you should be able to. Believe me, before I got to know you as much as I did I seriously thought you were perfect in everyway, and in most ways you are. But, it scares me to think that you have things bottled up inside you like that. It’s just not healthy. Even if you act like I don’t exist at school and we barely talk now, I want you to know that I’m here for you and I always will be.
I’m not quite sure about how you really feel/felt about me. Regardless, I really care about you and I love you. I really feel as if I ruined everything or as if I was just trying to be serious. I’m sorry. I swear, you even through Zeb off since he thought everything between you and me was going pretty well. You’re a really awesome and cool guy, Garrett. And I want you to be happy. So from here on out you’ll be choosing if you want to talk to me or whatever. I just think you should know that I’m always going to be there for you and probably love you even if you don’t feel the same about me. I just need to know if I need to wait around still. It took guts to say that. It took a shit load of them. I believe my work in this letter is done.
-Stephanie Current Mood: bouncy
|I think it is a respect issue.
I know you think he loves you and all, but some of the things he does are veeeeeeery wrong, at least I think so. Showing you the things he's shown you should be 'sacred' or at least private, you know? When I was with him, he never did any of that to me. And that to me is very respectful. He doesn't think that I am just a sex fiend and wnt to watch him jackoff on his webcam. And the thigs he asks you are totally out of line. That is total bullshit. And he pressures you for things that you don't condone or beleive in. He doesn't fufil any of his promises to you, he still drinks and smokes. If he respected you like he should, he would respect your wishes. Not just keep going on with what he is doing. And he may SAY he loves you, but he doesn't really show it. I am trying to remain unbiased on this, and not get involved, but it is harder than you know to see you and him both slowly fall apart. I am not saying you should just break everything off with him, but have a serious discussion about it. And don't give in to his little pity party mind games. Make a stand for yourself and get the respect you deserve is all I am trying to say.
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