May 4th, 2004


(no subject)

once upon a time....ryan breaks up with kristen. he comes up to me in the hall and gives me a hug. he whispers in my ear, "i like you too." and walks away. later he comes up to me in a red shirt, hands me a pink rose and asks me to prom. later i see kristen and she is crying. she looks at me and her face is all red and she is pissed off. ryan sings at a school assembly. he comes and sits down next to me and i kiss him on the cheek in congratulations. i dont need to stare at the back of his head in chemistry anymore because now i see him all of the time anyways. im not driven crazy by the fact that he smells good, or has two freckles on the back of his left ear, or how he has really long eyelashes, or etc etc, i dont need the small things because i have the real deal. he picks me up in his red car with the license plate "hanna" and we listen to his choice of music on the radio. he takes me to a movie and doesnt try to lamely put his arm around me on the first date, instead he holds my hand and i lean on his shoulder. he walks me to my door like in old movies and i turn to him to say goodnight. of course, the perfect kiss follows, which i have no idea how to describe. as a surprise for me, he learns how to play hands down on his guitar and sings it for me. i go to see his band preform and stand in the front with my friends. he stares at me the entire time hes singing. we stay up half the night talking to eachother on the phone. we tell eachother everything without thinking about it. for my birthday, he tries to make me dinner. he tells me he loves me. i tell him i fell in love with him the first time i heard him sing. and thus tell him i was in love with him for a long time. he smiles and kisses me. he surprises me after school by standing outside leaning against his car with his hands in his pockets and drives me home. at 2 in the morning he throws rocks at my window. i come outside and he tells me all the problems hes having. i bring him to my room and we fall alseep in eachothers arms. he is sitting in the front row when i graduate, and brings me flowers at my first art exhibit. i can finally draw a picture of him when hes sleeping, like ive always wanted to. he tries to buy it, but i tell him its not for sale. he tells me well be together forever. i agree....and they both lived happily ever after. the end.

(no subject)

"Well, maybe he never loved you,
Maybe you never loved him,
Did you ever think of that!?
Stop bothering yourself with whispers,
Stop bothering yourself.
Pull yourself together, would you!?!"

Sucked - Me - In - With,
Just three words, these three words
  • Current Music
    Maroon 5 - Harder To Breathe

(no subject)

Dear -------,

I thought I messed things up. I blamed myself for screwing up me and ----. I didn't mess that up alone, did i?

I did the damage, but you are the one behind the curtain. You trick me into thinking things can happen between us. They can't, can they? No, you just don't want me to like anyone else. You don't want me to be happy.

I don't know why I listen to you. I don't know why I keep watching you. I want you to go away... I want to not know you... because with you right here... I know I will keep doing what you say... keep screwing up my life... for you...

  • Current Mood
    angry angry
i'm not...

(no subject)


my heart is empty yet you fill my soul
just to see you. and to think about how you don't love me anymore, i dedicated so many songs to you
i see your face inside if every pair of hazel eyes.

that was what i fell in love with.
your hazel eyes.
i only said that i hate myself sometimes so that i would hear you say that i was beautiful and look at me like you felt something for ME!
of all people


in my sad and bitter heart you saw beauty, you saw something more than a depressed attention seeking girl.
or another friend to all the boys.
you spoke to me, and every word...
every syllable that escaped your mouth was what kept me from crying because of all the hurt that he put me through.

for once i had worth
i was something that someone saw value in.

but now all those sorry girly emotional feelings pour out of me in a whirlwind of tears.
and then my head pounds...
i see images, feel you kiss every part of my face with the passion of a heated moment...
then it all blurrs
and i come back to reality, where i am worthless yet again
where my heart explodes with pain because you are with someone else...
someone that doesnt realise how wondrefull you are and she doesnt see that you feel for her
just as you no longer see my emotion.

i know when i make a mistake.
and i know when i am in love.

and its funny, i have only fallen in love once before this, and he said i "wasn't worth his time"

i guess im not worth your time either...

with every piece of my heart i love you
every entity of my being
everything i posess

  • Current Music
    bjork "Bachelorette"
swing life away

happy death day

dear ******* and ********,

this goes out to both of u. since your birthdays are around the same time i decided to get this out. I HATE BOTH OF U WITH A DEEP PASSION. i dont kno why im one of the only ones who can see how bitchy both of u two are. (thanx sarah for being one of the people who feels the same way and i can talk to u about these things). both of u were bitches in elementary school too. i never liked either of u becuz of the way u treated me and my friends. i cant believe u have so many people who think your cool and even want to be friends with u. well apparently they dont kno the real u. so basically to sum up all the things i WANT to say but dont want to type all of it, your both bitches and i wish u would drop dead for all the pain you've caused me and other people i care about.
happy death day

  • Current Music

A broken soul... never to tell...

Dear you,
The moment I spoke to you, I knew you would save my life. I fell hard, I don't know what you did to me, but it has left a huge impact on my life. I think of you everyday, even more when I dream. I want you to just hold me and tell me you love me like I love you. I know this will never happen though, you've found another, and I made the mistake of bringing you two together. I know I ruined a beautiful thing, but that is my fault. Now I just go on like this, as a close friend. That is enough to get me by for now...
Love, me