you hurt me so much. i never thought you would. you've been hurt in the past by other people so many times, i trusted you not to do the same to me. you did anyway. while i was out trying to figure out how to make things better, you were out making things worse. you've shattered my trust into peices. its hurts to look at you now. i dont know if we can work this out. you've made me promises before but they havent mattered i guess. did you need to see me cry for it to sink in? well you got that. are you happy now? you've promised me new things now but they are the same things you've been saying all along. how can i believe you now? you said ill just have to watch but why should i if i dont know if you'll juts do it again? then im wasting more time getting myself hurt. but no matter what i know im going to get hurt in any relationship, its impossible not to.i just hope itd never be like this. you tell me you love but how can you if you would hurt me like this. i just dont know what to do.
I made a mistake at least I think I might have. I said that I could never love you because at one point I hated you. But you know what I'm still not sure I could love you and at this moment I can't absolutely say that I do but somehow I can't garuantee that to myself. You said that you "really really cared" about me the other night and I'm not sure that that helped. I wish I could tell you more often how you make my day better, how everything seems bright around you, I wish you knew that I also really really cared about you too. But I sit here again stareing at this computer screeen waiting for a response and I can't help but wonder what the hell we're doing. Things have kinda picked up lately and I wonder if your horse or mine or action this day would have won if the bets that were made would remain? I debated with myself if I would have actually carried my side of the deal out and I came to the conclusion that given the right place I probably would. It felt so weird to think that and know what you would have done and not know if you would have followed through on your part. I don't know what's going through my head but I wish you knew and I told you more that I really do care about you and you do make my day better. If I see you today I'll tell you.
I HATE YOU. i fuckin hate u. why cant u ever leave me alone. u invade my privacy. u expect too much from me. u just dont UNDERSTAND. and u dont even kno me. your a mean person, and your a racist bitch. i cant stand u. u can never leave me alone. u nag on and on and on about things that are wrong with me. i can never please u. u always push me over the edge wanting more from me when im already giving u everything i have. "my friends daughter gets straight A+'s and is going to harvard to be a lawyer and blah blah blah" i dont give a shit. I CANT GET STRAIGHT A+'S WHEN ITS HONESTLY BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SPECIALLY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. i dont want to be a doctor or a lawyer. i dont want to go to harvard. u try to force me to do other things i dont want to do, like piano. u told me that im fat. u said i should do weight watchers or get accupuncture and yet u have no idea how much i hate needles. and im not even fat. sure im like 10 pounds overweight for my height, but thats not fat. even worse, behind my friends backs u say the meanest things about them. u said several of my friends were fat, u said i shouldnt hang out with anyone that isnt smart, u said they wear too much makeup, their too short, almost anything pisses u off. and u cant stand anyone that isnt white or asain. u dont want me to have a LIFE. u expect me to spend every day and night studying my ass off. in fact if it wasnt for my father which i LOVE, i would be stuck at home doing exactly as u say. i would have NO FRIENDS. i would have NO LIFE. if it were up to u i would basically kno nothing about friends and having FUN. I JUST CANT STAND U. and where were u when i was younger and needed u most? most of the memories i have of u are ones when u were never there. and u never were and still arent there for me. u and dad both worked when i was little, leaving me alone at home at the age of four. and it basically stayed that way my entire life. and what happened when i was awarded something? u were almost never there. honor roll assemblys, special achievement awards, ice-skating, even now with volleyball. YOUR NEVER THERE. i mean u barely even have time for me. u couldnt even take me to my guitar lessons so u had your co-worker take me. do u kno how much it hurts to kno that your own mom cant find the time to take u to a lesson for something i love to do? well it hurts A LOT. and ive finally given up. if your not going to be in my life then fine. I DONT WANT U. i wouldnt give a fuck if my father divorced u, i would hope to never see u again. i dont care if u were the one who gave birth to me. it seems like u wished u never had me in the first place. and u kno what else? I DONT BELIEVE IN GOD. im changing religions and i dont care that u named me after god cuz its your problem to deal with not mine. i dont think anyone can really understand all the pain you've put me through over the years and i wish u would leave me alone. i guess dad was always right, were both stubborn and neither of us is willing to back down and i wont let u hurt me anymore. i may put on this happy face but i hope u kno that when were fighting thats when i feel like im being myself the most.
I know things are getting harder, now that your sick too, just like mimi and mom. But when i broke down crying to you the other day and i said how i didn't like the pressure you've been giving me to get good grades and you responded to" you should get good grades because you are a smart girl" well what the fuck? I havent gotten all A's since fuckin 5th grade and you expect to me to get all A's again? I don't get you and you don't understand me. I can't tell you anything at all.Why do you let liam do whatever the fuck he wants? I kno i'm jealous because he fuckin got to leave our house but why can't you treat me liek you treat him? I don't get it. If mom was still alive would you be a totally different person? would you care about my friends and what i tell you? I'm so confused about you, you don't understand. anything anymore, you never did.