May 1st, 2004

Dear Shawn.

Dear Shawn,

I miss you.. I wonder how are you doing now.. Haven't seen you in such a long time.. Many times, I contemplate whether to pick up the phone and call you.. Just to hear your voice and the sound of your laughter.. I'm falling deeper and deeper.. Sweetie, I hope you're doing just fine.. Please try not to lose your temper so often.. Please don't curse so much.. I know you're hurting so so much inside.. I want to help you but all I can do is stand there and watch.. I feel so helpless. You don't want to share your feeelings with anyone and you keep it all inside.. Sometimes I wonder if the other of your girlfriends actually open up and listen to what you have to say.. Do they lend you a listening ear like i always did??.. Could you just let it all out on them like you did to me??.. I'm not implying that I think I'm your most understanding girl.. I just want to be comforted by the fact that at least you have someone whom you can share your rants and dreams and complains and everything with.. I don't want to see you keeping all the hurt and anger inside.. cuz one day you'd burst.. and it would be so hard.. I wished I was still the one who held your hand, hear of your dreams, lent a listening ear, comforted you and hold you.. But I know it isn't me anymore. It's someone else.. And I pray that the someone else would treat you better than I did, love you more than I did, understand you more than I did..

<3 Esther
  • Current Music
    Sympathy - Goo Goo Dolls


Dear parents,

Lower your expectations, please. You know I can't meet your stanards. I can pretend, but I'll never go to Harvard. I want to be a poet, Mommy. I don't want to be famous, or rich. I don't even want to be that smart. I just want to be me. You keep thinking I have this reputation to live up to. The footsteps my brothers have left me to follow. But, I'm walking on a different ground. I'm wishing on different stars. I'm sorry if you don't want to accept it. I'm sorry I have dissapointed you. I guess, I just don't fit in. We all have something. James had his smarts and track and soccer. And Jason- he is still so smart, and he is known for playing basketball. And Me- of course, I must be known for being smart, I bet you think I'm going to join track, pick up basketball, and continue soccer. Everyone thinks that. But I'm truely not that bright. I hate track and feild. I have no hand eye cordination. And it has become obvious I can not play soccer for my life. We all have something to be known for, And I'm known for having an overachiving family. You don't even know I write poetry. Let alone I'm not too damn bad at it. You don't even know I have a special talent. No one does. Because no one pays any attention to it. No one cares to know because My brothers didn't write poetry meaning, I obviously can't. Its all so untrue. I'm sorry I'm different. But I'm not sorry I'm me, not anymore.

Your daughter.
  • Current Music
    sugarcult-pretty girl

(no subject)

I want to let go...
But it's harder everyday
to not let it show...

I know your done...
I want to be too
Will I ever be through?

I love you,
I hate her
But now...the's someone else too.

I gave you my heart,
You took it happily
But give it to her

Now theres a new guy
I get nervous and I can't speak
He doesn't notice me
But for some reason, he makes me smile

Will he ever meet me?
I hope he does.
I wonder what you'll think
but at the same time,
I think I'll keep this line bleeped...

<3 me (a little vent before i go)
  • Current Music
    pretty girl -Sugarcult
Hippy Colony 1

To my cousin,

K, I love you so much. I know that you can do anything you want with your life, so why this?

Every day it's the same. You post some statistics about how many people die of suicide every day, how many people are affected by their actions. How they are effected if they survive. Why do you post it all when you just end up saying "I wish I could believe..." I know you're doing it mostly for attention. That's what the cutting was all about, wasn't it? I get so frustrated with you, because you constantly seek out attention for your actions, and when other people try to help, you do nothing. I want to help you realize that hurting yourself get you nowhere, but what can I do when you know this already, but refuse to give it all up?

You know what makes me the most angry, Kels? That you talk about suicide SO MUCH, threaten it, give statistics, talk about your medication. And yet you still go to your church's youth group every week. How can you call yourself a dedicated Christian when you would willingly take away the life that God gave you? Have you no shame? Do you think that it's ok you go to mass, then come home to rant about how much you want to end your life? It makes me so infuriated when you start boasting about your depression and your meds, as if that will make us pity you all the more.

And I cry every time you say you've hurt yourself again, because I'm 2 thousand miles away and frankly I have no idea how to help you. We've always been like sisters, our whole lives, so why can't I just tell you to stop? You won't let me. You'll get angry that I'm telling you not to do things that I don't understand that I haven't dealt with the things that you have. Kels, you don't know me as well as you'd like to think. I know what it is to have your pain, I know what it's like to be depressed, and I know what it's like to cut and bruise and burn and do all the things to forget the mental pain. But it doesn't really help, does it? It's like a drug- so addictive, but each time you need more and more in order to get the same effect. I stopped because I knew that it wasn't the blood that helped me feel better, but the scars it left behind, and the 'people support' , and you need to realize this.

Please Kels, I need you to hear me. You're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting all of us, our whole family, all of your friends, God. Don't do this anymore. You've got too much potential, too much life in you to give it all up, or even to let it drain away drop by drop. At least for the sake of all of us.
Your fellow musketeer,
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

fuck pride and being stubborn

okay... im sorry you had to hear that, im pushing everyone away including you, i dont really hate you and i didnt mean to hurt you, if i even did. i dont even know if you care, but i do your a sweet person and i value our freindship... hows your mom? ive been wanting to ask that for a while now but i feel like its not my place to know. Is there anyway you could forgive me? ive known you since 3rd grade yet we dont know each other at all.

(no subject)

Dear Dad:

I hate you. Why do you think we can have a relationship? How could you possibly beleive that?! I can't stand to be around you. I have to see you every Wednesday but it doesn't mean anything. You're are just a stranger I am forced to see every week. Not a friend. Not even a dad. I don't like you at all. Just leave. I don't want you here. You think you know me though you have no idea what I'm like. You only get a small piece of me. You know absolutely zero about me. If I ever shared my secrets with you, you'd most likely abandon me again. You are the one who rejected me when there was that choice of where I had to live. But that's ok. My life with you would be bad horrible. You think it's ok to just walk into my front door and stay for an hour or two. You expect me to acknowledge your presence. I hate you. Why in hell would I do that? DIE!

Your mystery daughter,
  • Current Music
    P.O.D. - Alive

(no subject)

do you love to beat on me? to say shit to me? you seriously need fucking anger management. stay at school. better yet, i hope the next time you drive down here you get into an accident. i don't care if that sounds twisted. i don't care that you're my brother. you obviously don't care that i'm your sister since you beat the shit out of me. when i die, i hope you don't come to my funeral. you're always saying how i'm such a "mad at the world and have such a negative outlook on everything" type person. for starters; i get all negative whenever i'm around YOU. or courtney and dad for that matter. and i also am only mad at MYSELF and MY LIFE. i hate it. you've made me depressed. you've made me want to kill myself. you, court, and dad have all made my life a living shit. you guys are the reasons why i wake up every morning wishing i had died in my sleep. you've made me hate myself and killed every ounce of self-esteem i ever had. feel happy. feel very fucking happy.

-your sister